3 The Internet Wiretap 1st Online Edition of
13 Copyright 1911 by Albert and Charles Boni, Inc.
14 A Public Domain Text, Copyright Expired
16 Released April 15 1993
18 Entered by Aloysius of &tSftDotIotE
19 aloysius@west.darkside.com
25 _The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was
26 continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that
27 year a large part of it was published in covers with the title _The
28 Cynic's Word Book_, a name which the author had not the power to
29 reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the
31 "This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by
32 the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the
33 work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out
34 in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a
35 score of 'cynic' books -- _The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and
36 _The Cynic's t'Other_. Most of these books were merely stupid, though
37 some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they
38 brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing
39 it was discredited in advance of publication."
40 Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country
41 had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs,
42 and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had
43 become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is
44 made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial
45 of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely
46 resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to
47 whom the work is addressed -- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines
48 to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.
49 A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book
50 is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of
51 whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape,
52 S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly
53 encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly
63 ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence
64 of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when
65 addressing an employer.
67 ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside
68 from molesting the rubbish inside.
70 ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the
71 high temperature of the throne.
73 Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication
74 Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
75 For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:
76 She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
77 To History she'll be no royal riddle --
78 Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
81 ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with
82 sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient
83 faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at
84 the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence
85 for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a
86 free hand in the world's marketing the race would become
89 ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of
90 the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the
91 last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high
92 degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is
93 rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.
95 ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and
96 conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be
97 detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the
98 straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.
99 Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and
102 ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a
103 newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
107 By _Abracadabra_ we signify
108 An infinite number of things.
109 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
110 And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby
111 The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
112 Is open to all who grope in night,
113 Crying for Wisdom's holy light.
115 Whether the word is a verb or a noun
116 Is knowledge beyond my reach.
117 I only know that 'tis handed down.
120 An immortal part of speech!
122 Of an ancient man the tale is told
123 That he lived to be ten centuries old,
124 In a cave on a mountain side.
125 (True, he finally died.)
126 The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
127 For his head was bald, and you'll understand
128 His beard was long and white
129 And his eyes uncommonly bright.
131 Philosophers gathered from far and near
132 To sit at his feat and hear and hear,
133 Though he never was heard
135 But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_,
137 _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_"
139 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
140 Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
141 Which they published next --
143 In the meadow of commentary.
144 Mighty big books were these,
145 In a number, as leaves of trees;
146 In learning, remarkably -- very!
150 And the books of the sages have perished,
151 But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
152 In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings,
153 Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
156 Humanity's General Sense of Things.
159 ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.
161 When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for
162 people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of
163 mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel
164 them to the separation.
167 ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-
168 shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most
169 affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another
170 author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."
172 ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the
175 Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;
176 The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
179 ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;
180 hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection
183 To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
184 What face he carries or what form he wears?
185 But woman's body is the woman. O,
186 Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
187 But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
188 A woman absent is a woman dead.
191 ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to
192 remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
194 ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is
195 one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases
196 the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them
197 having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's
198 power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,
199 which are governed by chance.
201 ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
202 himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from
203 everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the
206 Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought
207 You a total abstainer, my son."
208 "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught --
209 "But not, sir, a bigoted one."
212 ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with
215 ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were
218 ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is
221 ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable
224 ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty
225 knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal,
226 knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the
227 matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one
228 having offered them a fee for assenting.
232 ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an
235 ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.
237 "My accountability, bear in mind,"
238 Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes,"
239 Said the Shah: "I do -- 'tis the only kind
240 Of ability you possess."
243 ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a
244 justification of ourselves for having wronged him.
246 ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who
247 absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar
248 had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de
251 ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
253 ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's
254 faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.
256 ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
257 but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight
258 when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or
261 ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.
263 ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.
265 ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in
268 ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding
269 funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.
271 ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects
274 ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to
275 receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of
276 straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.
278 ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the
279 figure-head does the thinking.
281 ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
284 ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.
286 Consigned by way of admonition,
287 His soul forever to perdition.
290 ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly.
292 ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.
294 "The man was in such deep distress,"
295 Said Tom, "that I could do no less
296 Than give him good advice." Said Jim:
297 "If less could have been done for him
298 I know you well enough, my son,
299 To know that's what you would have done."
302 AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.
304 AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for
305 another and bitter world.
307 AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.
309 AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that
310 we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the
311 enterprise to commit.
313 AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors
314 -- to dislodge the worms.
316 AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.
318 "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?"
319 She tenderly inquired.
320 "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife;
321 The fact is -- I have fired."
324 AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
325 the fattening of the poor.
327 ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving
328 with a pretence of open marauding.
330 ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.
332 ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the
333 Christian, Jewish, and so forth.
335 Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept,
336 And ever for the sins of man have wept;
337 And sometimes kneeling in the temple I
338 Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.
343 This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
344 Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
345 Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
346 To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
349 ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who
350 have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they
351 cannot separately plunder a third.
353 ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to
354 the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus
355 says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces
356 crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the
357 other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a
360 ALONE, adj. In bad company.
362 In contact, lo! the flint and steel,
363 By spark and flame, the thought reveal
364 That he the metal, she the stone,
365 Had cherished secretly alone.
368 ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the
369 small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination
370 and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used,
371 except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a
372 male and a female tool.
374 They stood before the altar and supplied
375 The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.
376 In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim
377 An offering burnt with an unholy flame.
380 AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
383 AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
384 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
386 AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would
387 be too expensive to punish.
389 ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already
390 sufficiently slippery.
392 As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,
393 So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.
396 ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.
398 APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.
400 The flabby wine-skin of his brain
401 Yields to some pathologic strain,
402 And voids from its unstored abysm
403 The driblet of an aphorism.
404 "The Mad Philosopher," 1697
406 APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
408 APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle
409 only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient
410 to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.
412 APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor
413 and grave worm's provider.
415 When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,
416 And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
417 That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
418 Disease for the apothecary's health,
419 Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
420 "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"
423 APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
425 APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a
426 solution to the labor question.
428 APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude.
430 APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
432 ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a
435 If I were a jolly archbishop,
436 On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up --
437 Salmon and flounders and smelts;
438 On other days everything else.
441 ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft
444 ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
446 ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman
447 wrestles with his record.
449 ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word
450 is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy
451 hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank
454 ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a
457 ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter
458 hanged to a lamppost.
460 ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
462 God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
463 _The Unauthorized Version_
465 ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom
466 it greatly affects in turn.
468 "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,"
469 Consenting, he did speak up;
470 "'Tis better you should eat it, pet,
471 Than put it in my teacup."
474 ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as
475 follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.
477 One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? --
478 Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
479 And said it was a god's name! Straight arose
480 Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
481 And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
482 And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
483 To serve his temple and maintain the fires,
484 Expound the law, manipulate the wires.
485 Amazed, the populace that rites attend,
486 Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,
487 And, inly edified to learn that two
488 Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
489 Have sweeter values and a grace more fit
490 Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,
491 Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
492 And sell their garments to support the priests.
494 ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by
495 long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased
496 to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.
498 ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which
499 one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.
501 ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia
502 City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,
503 and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously
504 celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and
505 country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this
506 noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib.
507 II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a
508 god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we
509 may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two
510 animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of
511 men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers
512 the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written
513 about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and
514 magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which
515 clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all
516 literature is more or less Asinine.
518 "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing;
519 "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!"
520 Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:
521 God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"
524 AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked
525 a pocket with his tongue.
527 AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and
528 commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate
529 dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an
532 AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal
533 regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by
534 a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have
535 suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however,
536 has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.
538 _Facilis descensus Averni,_
539 The poet remarks; and the sense
540 Of it is that when down-hill I turn I
541 Will get more of punches than pence.
548 BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names.
549 As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had
550 the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous
551 account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his
552 glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word
553 "babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As
554 Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays
555 on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus,
556 and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the
557 priests of Guttledom.
559 BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or
560 condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and
561 antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.
562 There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose
563 adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries
564 before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being
565 preserved on a floating lotus leaf.
567 Ere babes were invented
568 The girls were contended.
570 Until to buy babes he has squandered
571 His money. And so I have pondered
572 This thing, and thought may be
573 'T were better that Baby
574 The First had been eagled or condored.
577 BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse
580 Is public worship, then, a sin,
581 That for devotions paid to Bacchus
582 The lictors dare to run us in,
583 And resolutely thump and whack us?
586 BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to
587 contemplate in your adversity.
589 BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find
592 BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The
595 BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself
596 in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is
597 performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by
598 aspersion, or sprinkling.
600 But whether the plan of immersion
601 Is better than simple aspersion
604 Decide by the Authorized Version,
605 And by matching their agues tertian.
608 BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
609 weather we are having.
611 BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of
612 which it is their business to deprive others.
614 BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched form the egg
615 of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal.
616 Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator
617 saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment
618 for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno
619 afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing
620 is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk,
621 but the cocks have stopped laying.
623 BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion.
625 BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship,
626 with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.
628 The man who taketh a steam bath
629 He loseth all the skin he hath,
630 And, for he's boiled a brilliant red,
631 Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed,
632 Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling
633 With dirty vapors of the boiling.
636 BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot
637 that would not yield to the tongue.
639 BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly
640 execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.
642 BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a
645 BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate.
647 BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the
648 belief that it will not be given.
653 Haggard, morose, and unaffable -- wild!
654 See how he glares through the bars of his cell!
655 With Citizen Mendicant all is not well.
657 Why did they put him there, father?
660 Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.
664 Oh, well, he was starving, my boy --
665 A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy.
666 No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry
667 Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!"
669 What's the matter with pie?
671 With little to wear, he had nothing to sell;
672 To beg was unlawful -- improper as well.
676 He would even have done that,
677 But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!"
678 I mention these incidents merely to show
679 That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low.
680 Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou,
683 Pray what did bad Mendicant do?
685 Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack
686 And tuck out the belly that clung to his back.
688 Is that _all_ father dear?
690 There's little to tell:
691 They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -- well,
692 The company's better than here we can boast,
695 Bread for the needy, dear father?
700 BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
702 BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by
703 breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach
704 Holobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_:
707 Quod sum causa tuae viae.
708 Ne me perdas illa die.
710 Pray remember, sacred Savior,
711 Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your
712 Death-blow. Pardon such behavior.
714 BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly
715 poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two
718 BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars.
720 She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be
721 A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text.
722 "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she --
723 "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next."
724 "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712)
726 BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without,
727 however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the
730 BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor
731 of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.
733 Her locks an ancient lady gave
734 Her loving husband's life to save;
735 And men -- they honored so the dame --
736 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
738 But to our modern married fair,
739 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
740 No stellar recognition's given.
741 There are not stars enough in heaven.
744 BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will
745 adjudge a punishment called trigamy.
747 BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion
748 that you do not entertain.
750 BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.
752 BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of
753 it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born
754 from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block
755 of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he
756 grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It
757 is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a
758 stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount
759 Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
761 BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box
762 of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on
763 the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.
765 BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult
766 kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much
767 affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.
769 BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the
770 young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied
771 the undertaker. The hyena.
773 "One night," a doctor said, "last fall,
774 I and my comrades, four in all,
775 When visiting a graveyard stood
776 Within the shadow of a wall.
778 "While waiting for the moon to sink
779 We saw a wild hyena slink
780 About a new-made grave, and then
781 Begin to excavate its brink!
783 "Shocked by the horrid act, we made
784 A sally from our ambuscade,
785 And, falling on the unholy beast,
786 Dispatched him with a pick and spade."
789 BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to
790 become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.
791 Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a
792 dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would
793 be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give
794 you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?"
795 inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in
798 BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
800 BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to
801 eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers,
802 which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-
805 BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.
807 BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
808 nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary
811 BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who
812 has nothing to get all that he can.
814 A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects
815 every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal
816 instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His
820 BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu
821 and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is
822 found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese,
823 for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by
824 Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy
825 and learned men who are never naughty.
827 O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,
828 First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,
829 You sit there so calm and securely,
830 With feet folded up so demurely --
831 You're the First Person Singular, surely.
834 BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which
835 distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man
836 who wishes to _do_ something. A man of great wealth, or one who has
837 been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of
838 brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our
839 civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so
840 highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of
843 BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one
844 part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-
845 grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time.
846 Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero
847 will venture to drink it.
849 BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
851 BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.
857 CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the
858 patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps
859 asked the archangel for bread.
861 CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and
862 wise as a man's head.
863 The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending
864 the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire
865 consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the
866 cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of
867 state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that
868 several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his
869 murmuring subjects were appeased.
871 CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder
872 that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities
873 are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to
876 CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils
878 When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was
879 observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you
880 weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great
881 Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."
883 CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.
885 CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to
886 the show business. There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper
887 and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.
889 CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple
890 tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
892 CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national
895 CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.
897 CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire,
898 the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the
899 anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the
900 disgrace before meat. _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the
901 justice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all
902 the assassins -- entertain grave misgivings.
904 CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.
906 As Death was a-rising out one day,
907 Across Mount Camel he took his way,
908 Where he met a mendicant monk,
909 Some three or four quarters drunk,
910 With a holy leer and a pious grin,
911 Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,
912 Who held out his hands and cried:
913 "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray.
914 Give in the name of the Church. O give,
915 Give that her holy sons may live!"
917 Smiling long and wide:
918 "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee -- a ride."
920 With a rattle and bang
921 Of his bones, he sprang
922 From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;
923 By the neck and the foot
924 Seized the fellow, and put
925 Him astride with his face to the rear.
927 The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell
928 Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell:
929 "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,
930 Will ride to the devil!" -- and _thump_
931 Fell the flat of his dart on the rump
932 Of the charger, which galloped away.
934 Faster and faster and faster it flew,
935 Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew
936 By the road were dim and blended and blue
937 To the wild, wild eyes
938 Of the rider -- in size
939 Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.
940 Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh
941 At a burial service spoiled,
942 And the mourners' intentions foiled
944 Its head and objecting
945 To further proceedings in its behalf.
947 Many a year and many a day
948 Have passed since these events away.
949 The monk has long been a dusty corse,
950 And Death has never recovered his horse.
951 For the friar got hold of its tail,
952 And steered it within the pale
953 Of the monastery gray,
954 Where the beast was stabled and fed
955 With barley and oil and bread
956 Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,
957 And so in due course was appointed Prior.
960 CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous
961 vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.
963 CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author
964 of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased
965 to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum
966 might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ --
967 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an
968 approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
970 CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be
971 kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
978 Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.
981 CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.
983 CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies,
984 poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The
985 inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained
986 in these Olympian games:
988 His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to
989 overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives
990 they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here
991 commemorated by his family, who shared them.
993 In the earth we here prepare a
994 Place to lay our little Clara.
995 Thomas M. and Mary Frazer
996 P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her.
998 CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of
999 labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who
1000 followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The
1001 best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse
1002 added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John
1003 the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat
1004 sophisticated sacred history.
1006 CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the
1007 entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody,
1008 sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the
1009 entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the
1010 poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor
1011 Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give
1012 his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes
1013 the number twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely
1014 conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs,
1015 and (b) something about arithmetic.
1017 CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the
1018 idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin
1019 of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
1021 CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
1022 inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
1023 One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
1024 inconsistent with a life of sin.
1026 I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!
1027 The godly multitudes walked to and fro
1028 Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,
1029 With pious mien, appropriately sad,
1030 While all the church bells made a solemn din --
1031 A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.
1032 Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,
1033 With tranquil face, upon that holy show
1034 A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,
1035 Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.
1036 "God keep you, strange," I exclaimed. "You are
1037 No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;
1038 And yet I entertain the hope that you,
1039 Like these good people, are a Christian too."
1040 He raised his eyes and with a look so stern
1041 It made me with a thousand blushes burn
1042 Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced:
1043 "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ."
1046 CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted
1047 to see men, women and children acting the fool.
1049 CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of
1050 seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a
1053 CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with
1054 cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a
1055 clarionet -- two clarionets.
1057 CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual
1058 affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.
1060 CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over
1061 history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent
1062 citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being
1063 addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.
1065 CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern
1066 for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
1068 A busy man complained one day:
1069 "I get no time!" "What's that you say?"
1070 Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;
1071 "You have, sir, all the time there is.
1072 There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it --
1073 We're never for an hour without it."
1076 CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many
1077 meritorious persons wish to obtain.
1079 "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried
1080 To thrifty J. Macpherson;
1081 "See me -- I'm ready to divide
1082 With any worthy person."
1083 Sad Jamie: "That is very true --
1084 The boast requires no backing;
1085 And all are worthy, sir, to you,
1086 Who have what you are lacking."
1089 COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the
1090 sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a
1091 brotherhood of awful examples.
1093 O Coenobite, O coenobite,
1094 Monastical gregarian,
1095 You differ from the anchorite,
1096 That solitudinarian:
1097 With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;
1098 With dropping shots he makes him sick.
1101 COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's
1104 COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that
1105 resembles, but do not equal, our own.
1107 COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the
1108 goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money
1111 COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable
1112 multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously
1115 This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view,
1116 So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew
1117 Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches
1118 Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays
1119 That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins
1120 Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins.
1121 On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all,
1122 Misfortune attend and disaster befall!
1123 May life be to them a succession of hurts;
1124 May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts;
1125 May aches and diseases encamp in their bones,
1126 Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;
1127 May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest,
1128 And tapeworms securely their bowels digest;
1129 May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,
1130 And frequent impalement their pleasure impair.
1131 Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse
1132 Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,
1133 By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors --
1134 The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!
1135 Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin!
1136 Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin,
1137 Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in.
1140 COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives
1141 each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought
1142 not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his
1145 COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.
1147 CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than
1150 CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B,
1151 confided by _him_ to C.
1153 CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.
1155 CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
1157 CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and
1158 nothing about anything else.
1159 An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision,
1160 some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he
1163 CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as
1164 distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with
1167 CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate
1170 CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure
1171 and office from the people is given one by the Administration on
1172 condition that he leave the country.
1174 CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already
1177 CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too
1178 formidable safely to be opposed.
1180 CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the
1181 injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
1183 In controversy with the facile tongue --
1184 That bloodless warfare of the old and young --
1185 So seek your adversary to engage
1186 That on himself he shall exhaust his rage,
1187 And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground,
1188 With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound.
1189 You ask me how this miracle is done?
1190 Adopt his own opinions, one by one,
1191 And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath
1192 He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path.
1193 Advance then gently all you wish to prove,
1194 Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've
1195 So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say,
1196 And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way,
1197 This view of it which, better far expressed,
1198 Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest
1199 To him, secure that he'll perform his trust
1200 And prove your views intelligent and just.
1203 CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to
1204 meditate upon the vice of idleness.
1206 CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental
1207 commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of
1208 his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
1210 CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward
1211 and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
1214 CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military
1217 Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell,
1218 Our corporal heroically fell!
1219 Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl
1220 And said: "He hadn't very far to fall."
1223 CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit
1224 without individual responsibility.
1226 CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas.
1228 COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff.
1230 COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
1232 CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but
1235 In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably
1236 figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only
1237 backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the
1238 perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to
1239 avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend
1240 their nature afterward.
1243 CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial
1244 Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
1246 CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.
1248 CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody
1249 tries to please him.
1251 There is a land of pure delight,
1252 Beyond the Jordan's flood,
1253 Where saints, apparelled all in white,
1254 Fling back the critic's mud.
1256 And as he legs it through the skies,
1257 His pelt a sable hue,
1258 He sorrows sore to recognize
1259 The missiles that he threw.
1262 CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its
1263 significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity,
1264 but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been
1265 believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallic
1266 worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that,
1267 to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as
1268 a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent
1269 neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father
1270 Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following:
1272 "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood
1273 Cry out in holy chorus,
1274 And, to dissuade from sin, parade
1275 Their various charms before us.
1277 But why, O why, has ne'er an eye
1278 Seen her of winsome manner
1279 And youthful grace and pretty face
1280 Flaunting the White Cross banner?
1282 Now where's the need of speech and screed
1283 To better our behaving?
1284 A simpler plan for saving man
1285 (But, first, is he worth saving?)
1287 Is, dears, when he declines to flee
1288 From bad thoughts that beset him,
1289 Ignores the Law as 't were a straw,
1290 And wants to sin -- don't let him.
1292 CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_?
1294 CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person
1295 from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction
1296 and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier
1297 gets the skins of more foxes than asses."
1299 CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a
1300 barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of
1301 its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is
1302 the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual
1303 love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the
1304 wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art
1305 grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work --
1306 this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on
1307 the doorstep of prosperity.
1309 CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The
1310 desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one
1311 of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
1313 CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This
1314 is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is
1315 commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a
1316 cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of
1319 CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
1320 not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
1321 plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
1327 DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning
1328 of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to
1329 have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree
1330 of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it
1331 expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently
1332 occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy." It
1333 would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion
1334 conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.
1336 DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably
1337 with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many
1338 kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two
1339 sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously
1340 innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.
1344 A savage beast which, when it sleeps,
1345 Man girds at and despises,
1346 But takes himself away by leaps
1347 And bounds when it arises.
1350 DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in
1353 DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church,
1354 whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words
1355 _Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of
1358 DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men
1359 prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk
1360 with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then
1361 point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
1362 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
1363 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
1364 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
1365 others who have tried it.
1367 DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period
1368 is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day
1369 improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter
1370 consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity
1375 Done with the work of breathing; done
1376 With all the world; the mad race run
1377 Though to the end; the golden goal
1378 Attained and found to be a hole!
1381 DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has
1382 had the misfortune to overtake it.
1384 DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-
1387 As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
1388 Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
1389 Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
1390 Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
1391 So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
1392 Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
1393 Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
1394 And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
1397 DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough
1398 to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to
1399 embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the
1400 Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.
1402 Thou shalt no God but me adore:
1403 'Twere too expensive to have more.
1405 No images nor idols make
1406 For Robert Ingersoll to break.
1408 Take not God's name in vain; select
1409 A time when it will have effect.
1411 Work not on Sabbath days at all,
1412 But go to see the teams play ball.
1414 Honor thy parents. That creates
1415 For life insurance lower rates.
1417 Kill not, abet not those who kill;
1418 Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
1420 Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
1421 Thine own thy neighbor doth caress
1423 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
1424 Successfully in business. Cheat.
1426 Bear not false witness -- that is low --
1427 But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."
1429 Cover thou naught that thou hast not
1430 By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
1433 DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences
1436 A leaf was riven from a tree,
1437 "I mean to fall to earth," said he.
1439 The west wind, rising, made him veer.
1440 "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."
1442 The east wind rose with greater force.
1443 Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."
1445 With equal power they contend.
1446 He said: "My judgment I suspend."
1448 Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,
1449 Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."
1451 "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral;
1452 Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.
1454 Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,
1455 You'll have no hand in it at all.
1458 DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
1460 DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.
1462 DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors.
1463 The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it
1464 required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes
1465 of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of
1466 sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps
1467 why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of
1468 returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he
1469 would certainly have starved.
1471 DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from
1472 private station to political preferment.
1474 DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the
1475 Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its
1476 name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man
1477 pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
1479 DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.
1480 Variously pronounced.
1482 DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that
1485 DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which
1486 side it is buttered on.
1488 DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away
1489 the sins (and sinners) of the world.
1491 DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising
1492 Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many
1493 other goodly sons and daughters.
1495 All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee
1496 The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
1497 For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
1498 Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
1501 DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth,
1502 pulls coins out of your pocket.
1504 DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support
1505 which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
1507 DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman.
1508 The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and
1509 an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk.
1510 When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud
1513 "Chief Deputy," the Master cried,
1514 "To-day the books are to be tried
1515 By experts and accountants who
1516 Have been commissioned to go through
1517 Our office here, to see if we
1518 Have stolen injudiciously.
1519 Please have the proper entries made,
1520 The proper balances displayed,
1521 Conforming to the whole amount
1522 Of cash on hand -- which they will count.
1523 I've long admired your punctual way --
1524 Here at the break and close of day,
1525 Confronting in your chair the crowd
1526 Of business men, whose voices loud
1527 And gestures violent you quell
1528 By some mysterious, calm spell --
1529 Some magic lurking in your look
1530 That brings the noisiest to book
1531 And spreads a holy and profound
1532 Tranquillity o'er all around.
1533 So orderly all's done that they
1534 Who came to draw remain to pay.
1535 But now the time demands, at last,
1536 That you employ your genius vast
1537 In energies more active. Rise
1538 And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
1539 Inspire your underlings, and fling
1540 Your spirit into everything!"
1541 The Master's hand here dealt a whack
1542 Upon the Deputy's bent back,
1543 When straightway to the floor there fell
1544 A shrunken globe, a rattling shell
1545 A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
1546 The man had been a twelvemonth dead.
1549 DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for
1552 DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's
1555 DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest
1556 from disorders of the bowels.
1558 DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can
1559 relate to himself without blushing.
1561 Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ
1562 All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
1563 So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
1564 Erased all entries of his own and cried:
1565 "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst:
1566 "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" --
1567 Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,
1568 That record from a pocket in his shroud.
1569 The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,
1570 Each stupid line of which he knew before,
1571 Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit
1572 On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
1573 Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
1574 "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:
1575 You'd never be content this side the tomb --
1576 For big ideas Heaven has little room,
1577 And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"
1578 He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
1579 "The Mad Philosopher"
1581 DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of
1582 despotism to the plague of anarchy.
1584 DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth
1585 of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary,
1586 however, is a most useful work.
1588 DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because
1589 there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals,
1590 however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it
1591 is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet
1592 and domestic economist, Senator Depew:
1594 A cube of cheese no larger than a die
1595 May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.
1597 DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the
1598 process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from
1599 which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies
1600 are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.
1602 DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
1604 DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better
1605 error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
1607 DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or
1608 thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
1610 DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
1612 DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
1614 DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity
1617 His right to govern me is clear as day,
1618 My duty manifest to disobey;
1619 And if that fit observance e'er I shut
1620 May I and duty be alike undone.
1623 DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character.
1628 DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to
1629 call theirs, and keep.
1631 DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a
1634 DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as
1635 many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce
1638 DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch
1639 the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in
1640 some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection
1641 of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog
1642 is a survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin,
1643 yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long,
1644 sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means
1645 wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned
1646 with a look of tolerant recognition.
1648 DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal
1649 measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on
1652 DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French.
1654 DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which
1655 did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice.
1656 Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says
1657 their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as
1658 Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to
1659 Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have
1660 obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his
1661 talent for human sacrifice was considerable.
1662 Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing
1663 of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They
1664 were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently
1665 catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England --
1668 DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back
1671 DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two
1672 enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if
1673 awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences
1674 sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.
1676 That dueling's a gentlemanly vice
1677 I hold; and wish that it had been my lot
1678 To live my life out in some favored spot --
1679 Some country where it is considered nice
1680 To split a rival like a fish, or slice
1681 A husband like a spud, or with a shot
1682 Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot
1683 And ready to be put upon the ice.
1684 Some miscreants there are, whom I do long
1685 To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim
1686 The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
1687 I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng.
1688 It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came,
1689 Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!
1692 DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life.
1693 The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy
1694 have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their
1695 insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh
1696 with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence
1697 they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having
1698 blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and
1699 many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent
1700 times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread
1701 all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art,
1702 literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came
1703 over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report
1704 of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion
1705 has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy
1706 statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but
1707 little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The
1708 intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois,
1709 but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral.
1711 DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit,
1712 along the line of desire.
1714 Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,
1715 Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port.
1716 His anger provoked him to take the king's head,
1717 But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread,
1725 EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of
1726 mastication, humectation, and deglutition.
1727 "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-
1728 Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant;
1729 "eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe,
1730 monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was
1731 eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before."
1733 EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and
1734 vices of another or yourself.
1736 A lady with one of her ears applied
1737 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
1738 Two female gossips in converse free --
1739 The subject engaging them was she.
1740 "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks
1741 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
1742 As soon as no more of it she could hear
1743 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
1744 "I will not stay," she said, with a pout,
1745 "To hear my character lied about!"
1748 ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ
1749 it to accentuate their incapacity.
1751 ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for
1752 the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
1754 EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a
1755 toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man
1758 EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos,
1759 Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely
1760 virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the
1761 virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the
1762 splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he
1763 resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the
1764 tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as
1765 the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star.
1766 Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of
1767 thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the
1768 Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the
1769 editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to
1770 suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard
1771 the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines
1772 of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack
1775 O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,
1776 A gilded impostor is he.
1777 Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
1780 And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
1781 Prankily, crankily prating of naught,
1782 Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
1783 Public opinion's camp-follower he,
1784 Thundering, blundering, plundering free.
1789 Respected contemporaree!
1792 EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
1793 foolish their lack of understanding.
1795 EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in
1796 the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the
1797 other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has
1798 never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the
1799 rabbit the cause of a dog.
1801 EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in
1804 Megaceph, chosen to serve the State
1805 In the halls of legislative debate,
1806 One day with all his credentials came
1807 To the capitol's door and announced his name.
1808 The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
1809 Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
1810 And said: "Go away, for we settle here
1811 All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
1812 And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
1813 To be told how every member stands,
1814 A man who to all things under the sky
1815 Assents by eternally voting 'I'."
1817 EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is
1818 also much used in cases of extreme poverty.
1820 ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man
1821 of another man's choice.
1823 ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known
1824 to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning,
1825 and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most
1826 picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory
1827 of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in
1828 France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition,
1829 bearing the following touching account of his life and services to
1832 "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This
1833 illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the
1834 world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages,
1835 of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."
1837 Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the
1838 arts and industries. The question of its economical application to
1839 some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved
1840 that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more
1843 ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of
1844 the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind
1845 the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins
1848 The cur foretells the knell of parting day;
1849 The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea;
1850 The wise man homeward plods; I only stay
1851 To fiddle-faddle in a minor key.
1853 ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the
1854 color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color
1857 ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients
1858 foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This
1859 ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth
1860 by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!
1862 EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to
1863 the despotism of himself.
1865 He was a slave: at word he went and came;
1866 His iron collar cut him to the bone.
1867 Then Liberty erased his owner's name,
1868 Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
1871 EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which
1872 it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural
1873 balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their
1874 once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting
1875 more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step
1876 in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be
1877 ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a
1878 bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him
1879 after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose
1880 are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_.
1882 EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the
1883 heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge
1884 of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
1886 ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar.
1888 END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the
1891 The man was perishing apace
1892 Who played the tambourine;
1893 The seal of death was on his face --
1894 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.
1896 "This is the end," the sick man said
1897 In faint and failing tones.
1898 A moment later he was dead,
1899 And Tambourine was Bones.
1902 ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.
1904 Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter
1905 Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter.
1908 ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of
1911 ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of
1912 repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
1913 Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a
1914 relapse, which carried him off -- to Missolonghi.
1916 ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the
1917 husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.
1919 ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.
1921 EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military
1922 officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower
1923 rank to whom his death would give promotion.
1925 EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who,
1926 holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time
1927 in gratification from the senses.
1929 EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently
1930 characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.
1931 Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and
1932 ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:
1934 We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To
1935 serve oneself is economy of administration.
1937 In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a
1938 nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal
1941 There are three sexes; males, females and girls.
1943 Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this:
1944 they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility.
1946 Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be
1949 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands
1950 you are safe, for you can watch both his.
1952 EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired
1953 by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:
1955 Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,
1956 Wise, pious, humble and all that,
1957 Who showed us life as all should live it;
1958 Let that be said -- and God forgive it!
1960 ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
1962 So wide his erudition's mighty span,
1963 He knew Creation's origin and plan
1964 And only came by accident to grief --
1965 He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.
1968 ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult.
1969 The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that
1970 the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_,
1971 those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most
1972 profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in
1975 ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man,
1976 as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and
1979 EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi.
1980 A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as
1981 to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred
1982 thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.
1984 EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth
1985 and power, or the consideration to be dead.
1987 EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious
1988 sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of
1991 EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence
1992 that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am
1993 not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of
1994 Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting,"
1995 as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_. His book
1996 was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is
1997 still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of
2000 EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other
2001 things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The
2002 exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips
2003 of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought
2004 of its absurdity. In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means
2005 that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not
2006 _confirms_ it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this
2007 excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an
2008 evil power which appears to be immortal.
2010 EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate
2011 penalties the law of moderation.
2013 Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine,
2014 To thee in worship do I bend the knee
2015 Who preach abstemiousness unto me --
2016 My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
2017 Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,
2018 Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree
2019 With reason as thy touch, exact and free,
2020 Upon my forehead and along my spine.
2021 At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,
2022 With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;
2023 When on thy stool of penitence I sit
2024 I'm quite converted, for I can't get up.
2025 Ungrateful he who afterward would falter
2026 To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
2030 This "excommunication" is a word
2031 In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
2032 And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
2033 Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal --
2034 A rite permitting Satan to enslave him
2035 Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.
2038 EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to
2039 enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the
2040 judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of
2041 no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The
2042 Lunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:
2044 LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes
2045 directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be
2046 known whether it is constitutional?
2047 TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the
2048 Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many
2049 years somebody objects to its operation against himself -- I
2050 mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to
2052 LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative.
2053 Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances
2055 TERRESTRIAN: Not yet -- at least not in their character of
2056 constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the
2057 approval of those whom they are intended to restrain.
2058 LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by
2060 TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so
2062 LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial
2063 machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they
2064 have long been executed, and then only when brought before the
2065 court by some private person -- does it not cause great
2067 TERRESTRIAN: It does.
2068 LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being
2069 executed, be validated, not by the signature of your
2070 President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme
2072 TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course.
2073 LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that?
2074 TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three
2075 volumes each. So how can any one know?
2077 EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another
2078 upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.
2080 EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not
2082 An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of
2083 Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years
2084 afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of
2085 unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the
2086 ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:
2088 Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly
2089 received. War with the whole world!
2093 A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
2094 Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
2095 From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
2096 Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!"
2098 EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an
2099 undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
2101 To one who, journeying through night and fog,
2102 Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
2103 Experience, like the rising of the dawn,
2104 Reveals the path that he should not have gone.
2107 EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to
2110 EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the
2117 FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly
2118 inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits,
2119 and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The
2120 fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a
2121 clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately
2122 as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of
2123 the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected
2124 that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of
2125 fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a
2126 peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The
2127 son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but
2128 afterward returned. He had seen the abduction been in pursuit of the
2129 fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers
2130 that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one
2131 change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great
2132 slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original
2133 shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain
2134 which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the
2135 wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was
2136 made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or
2137 mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected.
2139 FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks
2140 without knowledge, of things without parallel.
2142 FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
2144 Done to a turn on the iron, behold
2145 Him who to be famous aspired.
2146 Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold,
2147 And his twistings are greatly admired.
2150 FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
2152 A king there was who lost an eye
2153 In some excess of passion;
2154 And straight his courtiers all did try
2155 To follow the new fashion.
2157 Each dropped one eyelid when before
2158 The throne he ventured, thinking
2159 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore
2160 He'd slay them all for winking.
2162 What should they do? They were not hot
2163 To hazard such disaster;
2164 They dared not close an eye -- dared not
2165 See better than their master.
2167 Seeing them lacrymose and glum,
2168 A leech consoled the weepers:
2169 He spread small rags with liquid gum
2170 And covered half their peepers.
2172 The court all wore the stuff, the flame
2173 Of royal anger dying.
2174 That's how court-plaster got its name
2175 Unless I'm greatly lying.
2178 FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by
2179 gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person
2180 distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church
2181 feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly
2182 immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these
2183 entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by
2184 the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians,
2185 as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is
2186 believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters.
2187 Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was
2188 held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven.
2190 FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in
2191 embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.
2193 FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
2195 The Maker, at Creation's birth,
2196 With living things had stocked the earth.
2197 From elephants to bats and snails,
2198 They all were good, for all were males.
2199 But when the Devil came and saw
2200 He said: "By Thine eternal law
2201 Of growth, maturity, decay,
2202 These all must quickly pass away
2203 And leave untenanted the earth
2204 Unless Thou dost establish birth" --
2205 Then tucked his head beneath his wing
2206 To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing
2207 With deviltry did so accord,
2208 That he'd suggested to the Lord.
2209 The Master pondered this advice,
2210 Then shook and threw the fateful dice
2211 Wherewith all matters here below
2212 Are ordered, and observed the throw;
2213 Then bent His head in awful state,
2214 Confirming the decree of Fate.
2215 From every part of earth anew
2216 The conscious dust consenting flew,
2217 While rivers from their courses rolled
2218 To make it plastic for the mould.
2219 Enough collected (but no more,
2220 For niggard Nature hoards her store)
2221 He kneaded it to flexible clay,
2222 While Nick unseen threw some away.
2223 And then the various forms He cast,
2224 Gross organs first and finer last;
2225 No one at once evolved, but all
2226 By even touches grew and small
2227 Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
2228 To match all living things He'd made
2229 Females, complete in all their parts
2230 Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
2231 "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed
2232 I'll fetch the very hearts they need" --
2233 So flew away and soon brought back
2234 The number needed, in a sack.
2235 That night earth range with sounds of strife --
2236 Ten million males each had a wife;
2237 That night sweet Peace her pinions spread
2238 O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead!
2241 FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest
2242 approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.
2244 When David said: "All men are liars," Dave,
2245 Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief.
2246 Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief
2247 By proof that even himself was not a slave
2248 To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave
2249 Had been of all her servitors the chief
2250 Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf
2251 Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave.
2252 No, David served not Naked Truth when he
2253 Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race;
2254 Nor did he hit the nail upon the head:
2255 For reason shows that it could never be,
2256 And the facts contradict him to his face.
2257 Men are not liars all, for some are dead.
2260 FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.
2262 FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a
2263 horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.
2265 To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn
2266 I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn."
2267 To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst,
2268 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first."
2271 FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
2273 FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for
2274 the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word
2275 with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of
2276 America's most precious discoveries and possessions.
2278 FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and
2279 ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one
2280 sees and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here."
2282 FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.
2284 FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another
2285 party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus,
2286 who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our
2289 FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by
2290 Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various
2291 literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and
2292 general diet of the flies infesting the several countries. These
2293 creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and
2294 companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly
2295 embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen,
2296 according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by
2297 a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the
2298 writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature -- that is to say,
2299 the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and
2300 critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked
2301 right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which
2302 comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in children
2303 to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful
2304 instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the
2305 methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of
2306 races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is
2307 found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and
2308 chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and
2309 serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- _Musca maledicta_.
2310 In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making
2311 the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine
2312 revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever
2313 marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable
2314 enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work.
2315 Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of
2316 the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such
2317 assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to
2318 grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions,
2319 in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to
2320 understand the important services that flies perform to literature it
2321 is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a
2322 saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit
2323 brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the
2324 duration of exposure.
2326 FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and
2327 controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns
2330 Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once
2331 In a thick volume, and all authors known,
2332 If not thy glory yet thy power have shown,
2333 Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts
2334 Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce,
2335 To mend their lives and to sustain his own,
2336 However feebly be his arrows thrown,
2338 Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts.
2339 All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise,
2340 With lusty lung, here on his western strand
2341 With all thine offspring thronged from every land,
2342 Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise.
2343 And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl,
2344 Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all.
2347 FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation
2348 and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is
2349 omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was
2350 who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the
2351 telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created
2352 patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy,
2353 law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican
2354 government. He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as
2355 creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang
2356 upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the
2357 procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the
2358 set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening
2359 meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal
2360 grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of
2361 eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human
2366 "Force is but might," the teacher said --
2367 "That definition's just."
2368 The boy said naught but through instead,
2369 Remembering his pounded head:
2370 "Force is not might but must!"
2372 FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two
2375 FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I
2376 consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in
2377 explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations;
2378 when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles
2379 caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination,
2380 and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to
2381 prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the
2382 efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling these
2383 awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the
2384 mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing
2385 to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly
2386 refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter.
2388 FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation
2389 for their destitution of conscience.
2391 FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead
2392 animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this
2393 purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many
2394 advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether
2395 reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of
2396 these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking
2397 proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him.
2399 FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person -- a
2400 method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately
2401 permitted to lose his case.
2403 When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court
2404 (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
2405 Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report,
2406 He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.
2408 "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried;
2409 "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted."
2410 So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied:
2411 He went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited.
2414 FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds
2415 lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval
2416 times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in
2417 this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent
2418 an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity
2419 of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you
2420 master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the
2421 officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must
2422 e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this
2423 act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master
2424 the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too
2427 FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose
2428 annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
2430 FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half
2431 dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political
2432 condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual
2433 monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is
2434 not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a
2435 living specimen of either.
2437 Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,
2438 Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell;
2439 On every wind, indeed, that blows
2442 She screams whenever monarchs meet,
2443 And parliaments as well,
2444 To bind the chains about her feet
2447 And when the sovereign people cast
2448 The votes they cannot spell,
2449 Upon the pestilential blast
2452 For all to whom the power's given
2453 To sway or to compel,
2454 Among themselves apportion Heaven
2458 FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and
2459 fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II,
2460 among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the
2461 dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces
2462 all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming
2463 up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of
2464 Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by
2465 Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious,
2466 Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the
2467 Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the
2468 Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the
2469 Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a Freemason.
2471 FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune.
2472 Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
2474 FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but
2477 The sea was calm and the sky was blue;
2478 Merrily, merrily sailed we two.
2479 (High barometer maketh glad.)
2480 On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,
2481 The tempest descended and we fell out.
2482 (O the walking is nasty bad!)
2485 FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in
2486 profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and
2487 the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the
2488 work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has
2489 set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain
2490 frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was
2491 besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh,
2492 who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism,
2493 that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the
2494 programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good
2495 voice but no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by
2496 Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koax"; the
2497 music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses
2498 have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling
2499 them to shine in a hurdle race.
2501 FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that
2502 punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented
2503 by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died
2504 without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp
2505 who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and
2506 devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its
2507 terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva.
2508 Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of
2509 invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The
2510 following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter)
2511 seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to
2512 this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life
2513 reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the
2514 other side, rewarding its devotees:
2516 Old Nick was summoned to the skies.
2517 Said Peter: "Your intentions
2518 Are good, but you lack enterprise
2519 Concerning new inventions.
2521 "Now, broiling in an ancient plan
2522 Of torment, but I hear it
2523 Reported that the frying-pan
2524 Sears best the wicked spirit.
2526 "Go get one -- fill it up with fat --
2527 Fry sinners brown and good in't."
2528 "I know a trick worth two o' that,"
2529 Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food in't."
2531 FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by
2532 enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure
2533 that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
2535 The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse
2536 To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse.
2537 Our friends expire -- we make the money fly
2538 In hope their souls will chase it to the sky.
2541 FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our
2542 friends are true and our happiness is assured.
2548 GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which
2549 the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the
2550 gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.
2552 Whether on the gallows high
2553 Or where blood flows the reddest,
2554 The noblest place for man to die --
2555 Is where he died the deadest.
2558 GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval
2559 buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some
2560 personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was
2561 especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures
2562 generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery
2563 of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean
2564 and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others
2565 substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the
2568 GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out
2569 of her stockings and desolating the country.
2571 GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was
2572 rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble
2573 by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
2575 GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did
2576 not particularly care to trace his own.
2578 GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent.
2580 Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal:
2581 A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.
2582 Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents,
2583 For dictionary makers are generally gents.
2586 GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between
2587 the outside of the world and the inside.
2589 Habeam, geographer of wide reknown,
2590 Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,
2591 In passing thence along the river Zam
2592 To the adjacent village of Xelam,
2593 Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
2594 Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,
2595 Then from exposure miserably died,
2596 And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.
2599 GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless,
2600 will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up
2601 garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe
2602 already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one,
2603 consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools,
2604 antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The
2605 Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary
2606 comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy
2607 boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage,
2608 anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.
2610 GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.
2613 It occupied -- that dismal thing! --
2614 The path that he was following.
2615 Before he'd time to stop and fly,
2616 An earthquake trifled with the eye
2618 He fell as fall the early good;
2619 Unmoved that awful vision stood.
2620 The stars that danced before his ken
2621 He wildly brushed away, and then
2625 Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions
2626 somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much
2627 afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such
2628 tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of
2630 There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost
2631 never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his
2632 habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not
2633 only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is
2634 nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile
2635 fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability,
2636 what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the
2637 apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost
2638 in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and
2639 get a convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith.
2641 GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring
2642 the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of
2643 controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of
2644 comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place. In
2645 1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened
2646 it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with
2647 many heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more
2648 than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at
2649 the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he
2650 would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a
2651 ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury
2652 and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished
2653 a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water
2654 turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has
2655 since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the
2656 fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral
2657 at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed
2658 men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and
2659 captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had
2660 transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but was
2661 nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous
2662 popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so
2663 affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself
2664 in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery.
2666 GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by
2667 committing dyspepsia.
2669 GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the
2670 interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral
2671 treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough
2672 in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw
2673 them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig
2674 Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and
2675 Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a
2676 Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these
2677 statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as
2680 GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion
2681 between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not
2682 go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin
2683 of the fusion managers.
2685 GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state
2686 resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is
2687 something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.
2689 A hunter from Kew caught a distant view
2690 Of a peacefully meditative gnu,
2691 And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue
2692 In its blood at a closer interview."
2693 But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw
2694 O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew;
2695 And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew
2696 Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew
2697 That really meritorious gnu."
2700 GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer.
2701 Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.
2703 GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some
2704 occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various
2705 degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character,
2706 so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person
2707 called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript
2708 of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as
2709 discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found
2710 to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be
2711 very great geese indeed.
2715 The Gorgon was a maiden bold
2716 Who turned to stone the Greeks of old
2717 That looked upon her awful brow.
2718 We dig them out of ruins now,
2719 And swear that workmanship so bad
2720 Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
2722 GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.
2724 GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne,
2725 who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no
2726 expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and
2727 dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to
2730 GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet
2731 for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to
2736 Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung,
2737 Anacreon and Khayyam;
2738 Thy praise is ever on the tongue
2739 Of better men than I am.
2741 The lyre in my hand has never swept,
2742 The song I cannot offer:
2743 My humbler service pray accept --
2744 I'll help to kill the scoffer.
2746 The water-drinkers and the cranks
2747 Who load their skins with liquor --
2748 I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks
2749 And tap them with my sticker.
2751 Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools
2752 When e'er we let the wine rest.
2753 Here's death to Prohibition's fools,
2754 And every kind of vine-pest!
2757 GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to
2758 the demands of American Socialism.
2760 GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of
2761 the medical student.
2763 Beside a lonely grave I stood --
2764 With brambles 'twas encumbered;
2765 The winds were moaning in the wood,
2766 Unheard by him who slumbered,
2768 A rustic standing near, I said:
2769 "He cannot hear it blowing!"
2770 "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead --
2771 He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going."
2773 "Too true," I said; "alas, too true --
2774 No sound his sense can quicken!"
2775 "Well, mister, wot is that to you? --
2776 The deadster ain't a-kickin'."
2778 I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile
2779 On him, and mercy show him!"
2780 That countryman looked on the while,
2781 And said: "Ye didn't know him."
2784 GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another
2785 with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain --
2786 the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength
2787 of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and
2788 edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B,
2789 makes B the proof of A.
2793 "I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign
2794 The monarch of the wood and plain!"
2796 The Elephant replied: "I'm great --
2797 No quadruped can match my weight!"
2799 "I'm great -- no animal has half
2800 So long a neck!" said the Giraffe.
2802 "I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see
2803 My femoral muscularity!"
2805 The 'Possum said: "I'm great -- behold,
2806 My tail is lithe and bald and cold!"
2808 An Oyster fried was understood
2809 To say: "I'm great because I'm good!"
2811 Each reckons greatness to consist
2812 In that in which he heads the list,
2814 And Vierick thinks he tops his class
2815 Because he is the greatest ass.
2818 GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders
2820 In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the
2821 learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture
2822 -- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles
2823 and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head inside
2824 the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an
2825 authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and
2826 enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c. XI)
2827 the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a
2828 theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I
2829 have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired
2830 by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity.
2832 GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the
2833 settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left
2834 unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to
2835 the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it
2836 was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion
2837 seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover,
2838 it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of
2840 Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event
2841 that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of
2842 Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of
2843 the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented
2844 him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the
2845 _Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial
2846 value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was
2847 instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with
2848 soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line
2849 of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look
2850 backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a
2851 lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the
2852 earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary
2853 saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and
2854 fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless,
2855 then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself
2856 thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators
2857 along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak
2858 prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages,
2859 and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?"
2860 cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading
2861 line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That,"
2862 said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again
2863 centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of
2870 HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when
2871 confined for the wrong crime.
2873 HABIT, n. A shackle for the free.
2875 HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the
2876 place where the dead live.
2877 Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our
2878 Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in
2879 a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves
2880 were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris.
2881 When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of
2882 evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a
2883 majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a
2884 conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record
2885 and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the
2886 next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly
2887 sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen,
2888 somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good
2889 prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the
2890 means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and
2891 immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue.
2893 HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes
2894 called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were
2895 called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind
2896 of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that
2897 peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time
2898 hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag,
2899 all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not
2900 now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is
2901 reserved for the use of her grandchildren.
2903 HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or
2904 considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion
2905 arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience
2906 could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father
2907 Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would
2908 demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and
2909 unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the
2910 body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the
2911 negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a
2914 HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body,
2915 but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a
2916 somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and
2917 saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture
2918 in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred
2919 as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre,
2920 or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a
2921 pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the
2922 nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly
2923 decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his
2924 unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.
2926 HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and
2927 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
2929 HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various
2930 ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals
2931 to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent
2932 invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties
2933 to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of
2934 "Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt,
2935 as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails
2936 in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.
2938 HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest
2939 dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a
2940 populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States
2941 his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey,
2942 where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the
2943 first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the
2944 expediency of hanging Jerseymen.
2946 HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
2949 HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue-
2952 HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed
2953 to the fury of the customs.
2955 HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from
2956 Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for
2957 the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.
2959 HASH, x. There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what
2962 HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.
2964 "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,
2965 For peace is a blessing," the White Man said.
2966 The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred,
2967 With imposing rites, in the White Man's head.
2970 HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
2973 HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax.
2975 In ancient times there lived a king
2976 Whose tax-collectors could not wring
2977 From all his subjects gold enough
2978 To make the royal way less rough.
2979 For pleasure's highway, like the dames
2980 Whose premises adjoin it, claims
2981 Perpetual repairing. So
2982 The tax-collectors in a row
2983 Appeared before the throne to pray
2984 Their master to devise some way
2985 To swell the revenue. "So great,"
2986 Said they, "are the demands of state
2987 A tithe of all that we collect
2988 Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect:
2989 How, if one-tenth we must resign,
2990 Can we exist on t'other nine?"
2991 The monarch asked them in reply:
2992 "Has it occurred to you to try
2993 The advantage of economy?"
2994 "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold
2995 All of our gray garrotes of gold;
2996 With plated-ware we now compress
2997 The necks of those whom we assess.
2998 Plain iron forceps we employ
2999 To mitigate the miser's joy
3000 Who hoards, with greed that never tires,
3001 That which your Majesty requires."
3002 Deep lines of thought were seen to plow
3003 Their way across the royal brow.
3004 "Your state is desperate, no question;
3005 Pray favor me with a suggestion."
3006 "O King of Men," the spokesman said,
3007 "If you'll impose upon each head
3008 A tax, the augmented revenue
3009 We'll cheerfully divide with you."
3010 As flashes of the sun illume
3011 The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom,
3012 The king smiled grimly. "I decree
3013 That it be so -- and, not to be
3014 In generosity outdone,
3015 Declare you, each and every one,
3016 Exempted from the operation
3017 Of this new law of capitation.
3018 But lest the people censure me
3019 Because they're bound and you are free,
3020 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid
3021 By you this poll-tax to evade.
3022 I'll leave you now while you confer
3023 With my most trusted minister."
3024 The monarch from the throne-room walked
3025 And straightway in among them stalked
3026 A silent man, with brow concealed,
3027 Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed!
3030 HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage.
3032 HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this
3033 useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- a
3034 very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once
3035 universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions
3036 reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of
3037 the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a
3038 feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from
3039 which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a
3040 caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a
3041 pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a
3042 hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh
3043 of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M.
3044 Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also,
3045 my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and
3046 Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.) In a
3047 scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John
3048 Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a
3049 striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's
3050 famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_.
3054 Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode
3055 Of motion, but I know now how he's proving
3056 His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed
3057 With skill will set the human fist a-moving,
3058 And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
3059 _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.
3062 HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship
3063 something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison,
3064 of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.
3066 "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's
3067 A Christian philosopher. I'm
3068 A scurril agnostical chap, if you please,
3069 Addicted too much to the crime
3070 Of religious discussion in my rhyme.
3072 Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree
3073 On a _modus vivendi_ -- not they! --
3074 Yet Heaven has had the designing of me,
3075 And I haven't been reared in a way
3076 To joy in the thick of the fray.
3078 For this of my creed is the soul and the gist,
3079 And the truth of it I aver:
3080 Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist,
3081 And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er --
3082 And I'm down upon him or her!
3084 Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin
3085 Toleration -- that's all very well,
3086 But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin,
3087 And he's running -- I know by the smell --
3088 A secret and personal Hell!
3091 HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with
3092 talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
3093 while you expound your own.
3095 HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an
3096 altogether superior creation.
3098 HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half.
3100 "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?"
3101 Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin'
3102 She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at --
3103 For it's naught ye are ever doin'."
3105 "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies,
3106 And no sign of contrition envices;
3107 "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies,
3108 For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!"
3111 HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of
3112 neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open
3113 air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
3115 HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
3119 HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion.
3120 There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of
3121 various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the
3122 whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is
3123 admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean
3124 that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four
3125 centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that
3126 swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their
3127 brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently
3128 been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness of
3129 the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation
3130 of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent
3131 is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to
3132 which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was
3133 strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not
3134 wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family.
3136 HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
3137 griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
3138 half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter
3139 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
3140 zoology is full of surprises.
3142 HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip.
3144 HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant,
3145 which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly
3148 Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown
3149 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known,
3150 Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,
3151 Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.
3154 HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and
3155 serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews,
3156 the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for
3157 the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster
3158 that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been
3159 known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of
3160 this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not
3161 discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.
3163 HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.
3165 HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and
3166 Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly
3167 inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they
3170 HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
3171 four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
3172 praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
3173 whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
3174 advantage of the lawyers.
3176 HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual
3177 needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.
3179 So skilled the parson was in homiletics
3180 That all his normal purges and emetics
3181 To medicine the spirit were compounded
3182 With a most just discrimination founded
3183 Upon a rigorous examination
3184 Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.
3185 Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,
3186 His scriptural specifics this physician
3187 Administered -- his pills so efficacious
3188 And pukes of disposition so vivacious
3189 That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam
3190 Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em.
3191 But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered
3192 Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered
3193 That in the case of patients having money
3194 The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.
3195 _Biography of Bishop Potter_
3197 HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In
3198 legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as
3199 honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
3201 HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.
3203 Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left --
3204 Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft;
3205 When even his dog deserts him, and his goat
3206 With tranquil disaffection chews his coat
3207 While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,
3208 The star far-flaming on thine angel brow,
3209 Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint
3210 The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.
3213 HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain
3214 persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
3216 HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the
3217 earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and
3218 passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female
3219 friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.
3221 HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make
3222 things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence
3223 marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a
3224 soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient
3227 HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat,
3228 mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.
3229 _House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal
3230 service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations.
3231 _House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it.
3232 _House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult
3233 persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. _House-maid_, a
3234 youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously
3235 disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has
3236 pleased God to place her.
3238 HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods.
3240 HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace.
3242 Twaddle had a hovel,
3243 Twiddle had a palace;
3244 Twaddle said: "I'll grovel
3245 Or he'll think I bear him malice" --
3246 A sentiment as novel
3247 As a castor on a chalice.
3249 Down upon the middle
3250 Of his legs fell Twaddle
3251 And astonished Mr. Twiddle,
3252 Who began to lift his noddle.
3253 Feed upon the fiddle-
3254 Faddle flummery, unswaddle
3255 A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.]
3258 HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the
3261 HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar
3262 austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with
3263 his best wishes, cat-quick.
3265 Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind
3266 See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined --
3267 Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,
3268 His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.
3269 He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,
3270 A graceful hog would bear his company.
3273 HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now
3274 generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is
3275 still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain
3276 old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of
3277 the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's
3278 usefulness has outlasted it.
3280 HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers.
3282 HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the
3285 HYBRID, n. A pooled issue.
3287 HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many
3290 HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its
3291 habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the
3292 medical student does that.
3294 HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits.
3296 Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot
3297 Where long the village rubbish had been shot
3298 Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps --
3299 "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps.
3302 HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues that he does not respect
3303 secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.
3309 I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language,
3310 the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In
3311 grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its
3312 plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself
3313 is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this
3314 incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but
3315 fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer
3316 from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to
3319 ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of
3322 Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,
3323 Restrained the raging chief and said:
3324 "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled --
3325 Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!"
3328 ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are
3329 imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest
3330 that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but
3331 pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of
3332 those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the
3333 iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not;
3334 and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress
3335 the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it."
3337 IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in
3338 human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's
3339 activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action,
3340 but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in
3341 everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and
3342 opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes
3343 conduct with a dead-line.
3345 IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of
3346 new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
3348 IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge
3349 familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know
3352 Dumble was an ignoramus,
3353 Mumble was for learning famous.
3354 Mumble said one day to Dumble:
3355 "Ignorance should be more humble.
3356 Not a spark have you of knowledge
3357 That was got in any college."
3358 Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly
3359 You're self-satisfied unduly.
3360 Of things in college I'm denied
3361 A knowledge -- you of all beside."
3364 ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the
3365 sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights --
3366 _cunctationes illuminati_.
3368 ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and
3371 IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint
3374 IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting
3375 censorious critics of this dictionary.
3377 IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better
3380 IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with
3381 a feeble conception of worth in others.
3383 There was once a man in Ispahan
3384 Ever and ever so long ago,
3385 And he had a head, the phrenologists said,
3386 That fitted him for a show.
3388 For his modesty's bump was so large a lump
3389 (Nature, they said, had taken a freak)
3390 That its summit stood far above the wood
3391 Of his hair, like a mountain peak.
3393 So modest a man in all Ispahan,
3394 Over and over again they swore --
3395 So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;
3396 None ever was found before.
3398 Meantime the hump of that awful bump
3399 Into the heavens contrived to get
3400 To so great a height that they called the wight
3401 The man with the minaret.
3403 There wasn't a man in all Ispahan
3404 Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:
3405 With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung
3406 He bragged of that beautiful bump
3408 Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page
3409 Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,
3410 And that gentle child explained as he smiled:
3411 "A little present for you."
3413 The saddest man in all Ispahan,
3414 Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.
3415 "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility
3416 Had given me deathless fame!"
3419 IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard
3420 to the greater number of instances men find to be generally
3421 inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's
3422 notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of
3423 expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other
3424 way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and
3425 nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is a
3426 lie and reason a disorder of the mind.
3430 A toy which people cry for,
3431 And on their knees apply for,
3432 Dispute, contend and lie for,
3434 Would be right proud
3435 Eternally to die for.
3438 IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains
3439 fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is,
3440 properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the
3441 body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common
3442 mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is
3443 still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the
3444 beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in
3445 "churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole
3446 of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as
3447 "riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in
3448 Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for
3449 crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded
3450 for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of
3451 sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must
3452 be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious
3453 dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he
3454 would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in
3455 the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.
3457 IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage
3458 from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
3459 conflicting opinions.
3461 IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between
3464 IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
3466 IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on
3467 of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but
3468 performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.
3470 "Lo! by the laying on of hands,"
3471 Say parson, priest and dervise,
3472 "We consecrate your cash and lands
3473 To ecclesiastical service.
3474 No doubt you'll swear till all is blue
3475 At such an imposition. Do."
3478 IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors.
3482 His tale he told with a solemn face
3483 And a tender, melancholy grace.
3484 Improbable 'twas, no doubt,
3485 When you came to think it out,
3486 But the fascinated crowd
3487 Their deep surprise avowed
3488 And all with a single voice averred
3489 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard --
3490 All save one who spake never a word,
3492 As if deaf and dumb,
3493 Serene, indifferent and unstirred.
3494 Then all the others turned to him
3495 And scrutinized him limb from limb --
3497 But he seemed to thrive
3498 And tranquiler grow each minute,
3499 As if there were nothing in it.
3500 "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed
3501 At what our friend has told?" He raised
3502 Soberly then his eyes and gazed
3504 And proceeded to say,
3505 As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:
3506 "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself."
3508 IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues
3511 IMPUNITY, n. Wealth.
3513 INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain
3514 kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be
3515 entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of
3516 proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible
3517 because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for
3518 examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political,
3519 commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay
3520 evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis
3521 than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the
3522 Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long
3523 dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known
3524 to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they
3525 now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its
3526 support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be
3527 proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was
3528 such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.
3529 But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily
3530 be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were
3531 a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which
3532 certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a
3533 flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it
3534 were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was
3535 ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery
3536 for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human
3537 testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
3539 INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being
3540 unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any
3541 important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state
3542 prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite
3543 and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the
3544 flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_.
3545 Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided
3546 that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or
3547 "management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the
3548 Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities
3549 were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."
3551 A Roman slave appeared one day
3552 Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray,
3553 If --" here the Augur, smiling, made
3554 A checking gesture and displayed
3555 His open palm, which plainly itched,
3556 For visibly its surface twitched.
3557 A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel)
3558 Successfully allayed the tickle,
3559 And then the slave proceeded: "Please
3560 Inform me whether Fate decrees
3561 Success or failure in what I
3562 To-night (if it be dark) shall try.
3563 Its nature? Never mind -- I think
3564 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink
3565 Which darkened half the earth, he drew
3566 Another denarius to view,
3567 Its shining face attentive scanned,
3568 Then slipped it into the good man's hand,
3569 Who with great gravity said: "Wait
3570 While I retire to question Fate."
3571 That holy person then withdrew
3572 His scared clay and, passing through
3573 The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!"
3574 Waving his robe of office. Straight
3575 Each sacred peacock and its mate
3576 (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled
3577 With clamor from the trees o'erhead,
3578 Where they were perching for the night.
3579 The temple's roof received their flight,
3580 For thither they would always go,
3581 When danger threatened them below.
3582 Back to the slave the Augur went:
3583 "My son, forecasting the event
3584 By flight of birds, I must confess
3585 The auspices deny success."
3586 That slave retired, a sadder man,
3587 Abandoning his secret plan --
3588 Which was (as well the craft seer
3589 Had from the first divined) to clear
3590 The wall and fraudulently seize
3591 On Juno's poultry in the trees.
3594 INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of
3595 respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial,
3596 arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the
3597 play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in
3598 whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-
3599 stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own
3600 subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and
3601 all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but
3602 to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be
3603 rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and
3604 their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the
3605 lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who
3606 bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king,
3607 being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily
3608 accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and
3609 rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy."
3611 INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly
3612 the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a
3613 meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been
3614 known to wear a moustache.
3616 INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two
3617 things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for
3618 one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and
3619 God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only
3620 incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel
3621 yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are
3622 incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and in
3623 stately courtesy are altogether superior.
3625 INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though
3626 probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best
3627 nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including
3628 _incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus
3629 (Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be
3630 out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public
3632 Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself --
3633 tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless --
3634 sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm
3635 of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows,
3636 generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to
3637 learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from
3638 their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns;
3639 but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the
3642 INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
3644 INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir
3645 Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to
3646 do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it
3647 followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many
3648 chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear
3649 and satisfactory exposition on the matter.
3650 "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain
3651 occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five
3652 minutes to make up your mind in."
3653 "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great
3654 thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt
3655 whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a
3657 "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?"
3658 "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I
3659 disobeyed the coin."
3661 INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.
3663 "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife,
3664 "You've grown indifferent to all in life."
3665 "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile;
3666 "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while."
3669 INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends
3670 frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the
3671 salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put
3672 it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no
3673 pray; big bellyache, heap God."
3675 INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.
3677 INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests.
3679 INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth,
3680 "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
3683 INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for
3684 propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the
3685 pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual
3686 needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor
3687 might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising
3688 materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of
3689 Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an
3690 audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically
3691 recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity,
3692 giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down
3693 to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the
3694 point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled
3695 the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine
3696 mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back
3697 further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court
3698 of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption
3699 in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the
3700 matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow.
3702 INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian
3703 religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of
3704 scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to,
3705 divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs,
3706 voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns,
3707 missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests,
3708 muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders,
3709 primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries,
3710 clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors,
3711 preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs,
3712 bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans,
3713 deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons,
3714 hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins,
3715 postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons,
3716 reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains,
3717 mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas,
3718 sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals,
3719 prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and
3722 INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a
3725 INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have
3726 sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the
3727 Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed
3728 from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called
3729 Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity
3730 of their views about Adam.
3732 Two theologues once, as they wended their way
3733 To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray --
3734 An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,
3735 Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.
3736 "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord
3737 Decreed he should fall of his own accord."
3738 "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained,
3739 "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained."
3740 So fierce and so fiery grew the debate
3741 That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;
3742 So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground
3743 And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.
3744 Ere either had proved his theology right
3745 By winning, or even beginning, the fight,
3746 A gray old professor of Latin came by,
3747 A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,
3748 And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still
3749 As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill
3750 Of foreordination freedom of will)
3751 Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:
3752 Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows.
3753 The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear
3754 Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.
3755 _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! --
3756 Should only contend that Adam slipped down;
3757 While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! --
3758 Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.
3759 It's all the same whether up or down
3760 You slip on a peel of banana brown.
3761 Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,
3762 But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!
3765 INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise
3766 an object of charity.
3768 "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay,"
3769 The good philanthropist replied;
3770 "I did great service to a man one day
3771 Who never since has cursed me to repay,
3774 "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight --
3775 With veneration I am overcome,
3776 And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate --
3777 He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state
3781 INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.
3783 INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others
3784 and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the
3787 INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and
3788 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
3789 intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and
3790 contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to
3791 blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and
3792 acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an
3793 edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal
3794 quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have
3795 established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others
3796 to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid
3797 to get in pays twice as much to get out.
3799 INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say,
3800 ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to
3801 us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths
3802 of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible
3803 to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it
3804 "a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in
3805 one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's
3806 country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance
3807 of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's
3810 IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent
3811 investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute
3812 observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the
3813 mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our
3814 important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds
3815 that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms
3816 the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points
3817 confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls.
3818 Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by
3821 INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are
3822 of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame
3823 of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of
3824 his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the
3825 name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following
3826 are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.)
3828 "In the sky my soul is found,
3829 And my body in the ground.
3830 By and by my body'll rise
3831 To my spirit in the skies,
3832 Soaring up to Heaven's gate.
3835 "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862,
3836 aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous."
3838 "Affliction sore long time she boar,
3839 Phisicians was in vain,
3840 Till Deth released the dear deceased
3841 And left her a remain.
3842 Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss."
3844 "The clay that rests beneath this stone
3845 As Silas Wood was widely known.
3846 Now, lying here, I ask what good
3847 It was to let me be S. Wood.
3848 O Man, let not ambition trouble you,
3849 Is the advice of Silas W."
3851 "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had
3852 the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874."
3856 "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers,
3857 "How Providence provides for all His creatures!"
3858 "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows:
3859 For us He has provided wrens and swallows."
3862 INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player
3863 is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating
3864 the man who keeps the table.
3866 INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me
3868 HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so
3869 low that by the time when, according to the tables of your
3870 actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have
3871 paid you considerably less than the face of the policy.
3872 INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that.
3873 We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more.
3874 HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can _I_ afford _that_?
3875 INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time.
3876 There was Smith's house, for example, which --
3877 HOUSE OWNER: Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the
3878 contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which --
3879 INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_!
3880 HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay
3881 you money on the supposition that something will occur
3882 previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In
3883 other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last
3884 so long as you say that it will probably last.
3885 INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it
3886 will be a total loss.
3887 HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I
3888 shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I
3889 would otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than the
3890 face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to
3891 burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are
3892 based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were
3894 INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our
3895 luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your
3897 HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their
3898 losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before
3899 they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case
3900 stands this way: you expect to take more money from your
3901 clients than you pay to them, do you not?
3902 INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not --
3903 HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well
3904 then. If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body of
3905 your clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_,
3906 with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will. It is
3907 these individual probabilities that make the aggregate
3909 INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it -- but look at the figures in
3911 HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid!
3912 INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would
3913 otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander
3914 them? We offer you an incentive to thrift.
3915 HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is
3916 not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you
3917 command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a
3920 INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure
3921 to substitute misrule for bad government.
3923 INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of
3924 influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence,
3925 immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.
3927 INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to
3928 understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
3929 the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
3931 INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is
3932 governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment
3933 of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most
3934 unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm
3937 INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for
3938 their mutual destruction.
3940 Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue
3941 And one in white, together drew
3942 And having each a pleasant sense
3943 Of t'other powder's excellence,
3944 Forsook their jackets for the snug
3945 Enjoyment of a common mug.
3946 So close their intimacy grew
3947 One paper would have held the two.
3948 To confidences straight they fell,
3949 Less anxious each to hear than tell;
3950 Then each remorsefully confessed
3951 To all the virtues he possessed,
3952 Acknowledging he had them in
3953 So high degree it was a sin.
3954 The more they said, the more they felt
3955 Their spirits with emotion melt,
3956 Till tears of sentiment expressed
3957 Their feelings. Then they effervesced!
3958 So Nature executes her feats
3959 Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
3960 The good old rule who don't apply,
3961 That you are you and I am I.
3963 INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the
3964 gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The
3965 introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century,
3966 being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every
3967 American being the equal of every other American, it follows that
3968 everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the
3969 right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of
3970 Independence should have read thus:
3972 "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are
3973 created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain
3974 inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to
3975 make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an
3976 incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the
3977 liberty to introduce persons to one another without first
3978 ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and
3979 the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of
3982 INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
3983 levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
3985 IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world.
3987 ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman.
3993 J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel --
3994 than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has
3995 been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and
3996 it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb,
3997 _jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the
3998 dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as
3999 expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of
4000 Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of
4001 three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the
4002 j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl.
4004 JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which
4005 can be lost only if not worth keeping.
4007 JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose
4008 business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and
4009 utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The
4010 king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some
4011 centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were
4012 sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of
4013 all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and
4014 romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise
4015 and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the
4016 court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same
4017 jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the
4018 patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.
4020 The widow-queen of Portugal
4021 Had an audacious jester
4022 Who entered the confessional
4023 Disguised, and there confessed her.
4025 "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down --
4026 My sins are more than scarlet:
4027 I love my fool -- blaspheming clown,
4028 And common, base-born varlet."
4030 "Daughter," the mimic priest replied,
4031 "That sin, indeed, is awful:
4032 The church's pardon is denied
4033 To love that is unlawful.
4035 "But since thy stubborn heart will be
4036 For him forever pleading,
4037 Thou'dst better make him, by decree,
4038 A man of birth and breeding."
4040 She made the fool a duke, in hope
4041 With Heaven's taboo to palter;
4042 Then told a priest, who told the Pope,
4043 Who damned her from the altar!
4046 JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with
4047 the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.
4049 JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan
4050 tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.
4052 JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition
4053 the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes
4054 and personal service.
4061 K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced
4062 away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation
4063 inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called
4064 _Klatch_, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was
4065 originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker
4066 explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the
4067 destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_
4068 730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its
4069 portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other
4070 remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to
4071 have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great
4072 antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural -- not to say
4073 touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory.
4074 It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional
4075 mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one
4076 of nature's pums. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no
4077 objection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on
4078 that side of the question.
4082 He willed away his whole estate,
4083 And then in death he fell asleep,
4084 Murmuring: "Well, at any rate,
4085 My name unblemished I shall keep."
4086 But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought
4087 Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught.
4090 KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
4092 KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and
4093 Americans in Scotland.
4095 KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
4097 KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head,"
4098 although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.
4100 A king, in times long, long gone by,
4101 Said to his lazy jester:
4102 "If I were you and you were I
4103 My moments merrily would fly --
4104 Nor care nor grief to pester."
4106 "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,"
4107 The fool said -- "if you'll hear it --
4108 Is that of all the fools alive
4109 Who own you for their sovereign, I've
4110 The most forgiving spirit."
4113 KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the
4114 sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus 'the
4115 most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the
4116 ailing subjects and make them whole --
4118 a crowd of wretched souls
4119 That stay his cure: their malady convinces
4120 The great essay of art; but at his touch,
4121 Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,
4122 They presently amend,
4124 as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This useful property of the
4125 royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown
4126 properties; for according to "Malcolm,"
4129 To the succeeding royalty he leaves
4130 The healing benediction.
4132 But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the
4133 later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the
4134 disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler
4135 one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow. The date and author of the
4136 following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but
4137 it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national
4138 disorder is not a thing of yesterday.
4140 Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,
4141 Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.
4142 He layde his hand on mine and sayd:
4143 "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd.
4144 But O ye wofull plyght in wh.
4145 I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche!
4147 The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is
4148 dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of
4149 custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and
4150 shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great
4151 dignitary bestows his healing salutation on
4153 strangely visited people,
4154 All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,
4155 The mere despair of surgery,
4157 he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once
4158 was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of
4159 men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which brings
4160 the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms."
4162 KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is
4163 supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony
4164 appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its
4165 performance is unknown to this lexicographer.
4167 KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief.
4171 Once a warrior gentle of birth,
4172 Then a person of civic worth,
4173 Now a fellow to move our mirth.
4174 Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more:
4175 We must knight our dogs to get any lower.
4176 Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,
4177 Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,
4178 Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,
4179 Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy.
4180 God speed the day when this knighting fad
4181 Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.
4183 KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been
4184 written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a
4185 wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
4191 LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
4193 LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The
4194 theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control
4195 is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the
4196 superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some
4197 have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own
4198 implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass
4199 are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that
4200 if the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there will
4201 be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to
4204 A life on the ocean wave,
4205 A home on the rolling deep,
4206 For the spark the nature gave
4207 I have there the right to keep.
4209 They give me the cat-o'-nine
4210 Whenever I go ashore.
4211 Then ho! for the flashing brine --
4212 I'm a natural commodore!
4215 LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding
4218 LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest
4219 of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents.
4220 The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the
4221 serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as
4222 one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human
4223 intelligence over brute inertia.
4225 LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system -- an
4226 admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly
4227 useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and
4228 heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap,
4229 imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's
4230 substantial welfare.
4232 LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as
4233 opportunity to the maker of puns.
4235 Ah, punster, would my lot were cast,
4236 Where the cobbler is unknown,
4237 So that I might forget his last
4241 LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the
4242 features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious
4243 and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter
4244 is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals --
4245 these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example,
4246 but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in
4247 bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to
4248 animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has
4249 not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that
4250 the infection character of laughter is due to the instantaneous
4251 fermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he
4252 names the disorder _Convulsio spargens_.
4254 LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the
4255 Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as
4256 dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal
4257 funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had
4258 the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and
4259 cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense
4260 which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the
4261 aspect of a national crime.
4263 LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and
4264 formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as
4265 had influence at court. (_Vide supra._)
4269 Once Law was sitting on the bench,
4270 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
4271 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
4272 Nor come before me creeping.
4273 Upon your knees if you appear,
4274 'Tis plain your have no standing here."
4276 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
4277 "_Your_ status? -- devil seize you!"
4278 "_Amica curiae,_" she replied --
4279 "Friend of the court, so please you."
4280 "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door --
4281 I never saw your face before!"
4284 LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.
4286 LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
4288 LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
4290 LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to
4291 light lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but other
4292 men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an
4293 argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong
4294 way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international
4295 controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is
4296 precipitated in great quantities.
4298 Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great
4299 And universal arbiter; endowed
4300 With penetration to pierce any cloud
4301 Fogging the field of controversial hate,
4302 And with a sift, inevitable, straight,
4303 Searching precision find the unavowed
4304 But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed
4305 By the chirurgeon, settles the debate.
4306 O useful metal! -- were it not for thee
4307 We'd grapple one another's ears alway:
4308 But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee
4309 We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay."
4310 And when the quick have run away like pellets
4311 Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.
4313 LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
4315 LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear
4316 and his faith in your patience.
4318 LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of
4321 LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in
4322 which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as
4323 in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox:
4325 The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades.
4326 Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!"
4328 It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to
4329 teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses
4330 are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to
4331 find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a
4332 rhyming couplet could be run into a single line.
4334 LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says that
4335 pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the
4336 good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man
4337 has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the
4338 appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being
4339 reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire
4340 comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to
4341 shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to
4342 the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg,
4343 salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with
4344 sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an
4345 intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song."
4347 LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some
4348 suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished
4349 ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with
4350 considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus
4351 Polandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria pseudo-hirsuta_. For an
4352 exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous
4353 monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_.
4355 LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of
4356 recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does
4357 what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and
4358 mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his
4359 dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas
4360 his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural
4361 servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial
4362 power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a
4363 chronicle as if it were a statue. Let the dictionary (for example)
4364 mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men
4365 thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however
4366 desirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the process of
4367 improverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary,
4368 recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow
4369 at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has
4370 no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary"
4371 -- although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven
4372 forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in the
4373 dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when
4374 from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own
4375 meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a
4376 Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end
4377 and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy
4378 preservation -- sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion -- the
4379 lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which
4380 his Creator had not created him to create.
4382 God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form,"
4383 And lexicographers arose, a swarm!
4384 Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took,
4385 And catalogued each garment in a book.
4386 Now, from her leafy covert when she cries:
4387 "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise
4388 And scan the list, and say without compassion:
4389 "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion."
4392 LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.
4394 LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
4396 The rising People, hot and out of breath,
4397 Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!"
4398 "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign;
4399 You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain."
4402 LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing
4403 a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the
4404 blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the
4405 lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the
4406 latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling
4407 is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a
4408 confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and
4409 the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will
4410 cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare.
4412 LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live
4413 in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
4414 The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed;
4415 particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written
4416 at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of
4417 the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of
4418 successful controversy.
4420 "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth,"
4421 Carelessly caroled the golden youth.
4422 In manhood still he maintained that view
4423 And held it more strongly the older he grew.
4424 When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three,
4425 "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he.
4428 LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the
4429 government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
4431 LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.
4433 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought,
4434 And the salesman laced them tight
4435 To a very remarkable height --
4436 Higher, indeed, than I think he ought --
4437 Higher than _can_ be right.
4438 For the Bible declares -- but never mind:
4440 To censure freely and fault to find
4441 With others for sins that I'm not inclined
4443 Each has his weakness, and though my own
4444 Is freedom from every sin,
4445 It still were unfair to pitch in,
4446 Discharging the first censorious stone.
4447 Besides, the truth compels me to say,
4448 The boots in question were _made_ that way.
4449 As he drew the lace she made a grimace,
4450 And blushingly said to him:
4451 "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure,
4452 It hurts my -- hurts my -- limb."
4453 The salesman smiled in a manner mild,
4454 Like an artless, undesigning child;
4455 Then, checking himself, to his face he gave
4456 A look as sorrowful as the grave,
4457 Though he didn't care two figs
4458 For her paints and throes,
4459 As he stroked her toes,
4460 Remarking with speech and manner just
4461 Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust
4462 That it doesn't hurt your twigs."
4465 LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp,
4466 entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman.
4468 LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of
4469 retaining his bones.
4471 LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of
4474 LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be
4475 bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary
4476 anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to
4477 infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side
4478 of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time
4479 considered the seat of life; hence its name -- liver, the thing we
4480 live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it
4481 that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_.
4483 LL.D. Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one
4484 learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast
4485 upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._,
4486 and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At
4487 the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the
4488 expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old
4489 D.D. -- _Damnator Diaboli_. The new honor will be known as _Sanctorum
4490 Custus_, and written _$$c_. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been
4491 suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who
4492 points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the
4493 advantage of a degree.
4495 LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and
4498 LODGER, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that
4499 delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.
4501 LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
4502 the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The
4503 basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor
4504 premise and a conclusion -- thus:
4505 _Major Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
4507 _Minor Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
4509 _Conclusion_: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
4510 This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by
4511 combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are
4514 LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds
4515 punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest in
4516 which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is
4517 denied the reward of success.
4519 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men
4520 That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen.
4521 Alas! we cannot know if this is true,
4522 For reading Milton's wit we perish too.
4524 LOGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance
4525 while maturing a plan of revenge.
4527 LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
4529 LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting
4530 show for man's disillusion given.
4531 The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso
4532 looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain
4533 courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby
4534 enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king:
4535 "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of
4536 thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow,
4537 prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign
4538 countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of
4540 Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be
4541 conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither
4542 without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but
4543 idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with
4544 cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the
4545 glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance,
4546 he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and
4547 that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this
4548 was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his
4549 image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody
4550 bandage on one of its hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all who
4551 had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught
4552 wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the
4553 mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with
4554 justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while
4555 on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure
4556 of an angel, which remains to this day.
4558 LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb
4559 his tongue when you wish to talk.
4561 LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a
4562 costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The
4563 traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry
4564 Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also,
4565 as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather
4566 flattery than true reverence.
4568 Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord,
4569 Wedded a wandering English lord --
4570 Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw,"
4571 A parent who throve by the practice of Draw.
4572 Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare
4573 Unworthy the father-in-legal care
4574 Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth
4575 That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth;
4576 For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage
4577 Of existence that's marked by the vices of age.
4578 Among them, cupidity caused him to urge
4579 Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge,
4580 Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw
4581 Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw,
4582 And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf,
4583 To the business of being a lord himself.
4584 His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed
4585 And sacked himself strangely in checks instead;
4586 Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear
4587 A whisker that looked like a blasted career.
4588 He painted his neck an incarnadine hue
4589 Each morning and varnished it all that he knew.
4590 The moony monocular set in his eye
4591 Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye.
4592 His head was enroofed with a billycock hat,
4593 And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat.
4594 In speech he eschewed his American ways,
4595 Denying his nose to the use of his A's
4596 And dulling their edge till the delicate sense
4597 Of a babe at their temper could take no offence.
4598 His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly sweet,
4599 The patter they made as they fell at his feet!
4600 Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear
4601 Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career.
4602 Alas, the Divinity shaping his end
4603 Entertained other views and decided to send
4604 His lordship in horror, despair and dismay
4605 From the land of the nobleman's natural prey.
4606 For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde
4607 Fell -- suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad!
4610 LORE, n. Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived from
4611 a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult
4612 books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore
4613 and embraces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's
4614 _Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of these
4615 traced backward, through various people son converging lines, toward a
4616 common origin in remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of
4617 "Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little
4618 Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The
4619 Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The
4620 fable with Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl-
4621 King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the
4622 Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths
4623 is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers."
4625 LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the
4626 latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his
4627 election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost
4628 his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the
4629 word is used in the famous epitaph:
4631 Here Huntington's ashes long have lain
4632 Whose loss is our eternal gain,
4633 For while he exercised all his powers
4634 Whatever he gained, the loss was ours.
4636 LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of
4637 the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.
4638 This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only
4639 among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous
4640 nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from
4641 its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the
4642 physician than to the patient.
4644 LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up.
4646 LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not
4649 LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from
4650 Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been
4651 described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much
4652 agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity
4653 with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill
4656 LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a
4657 figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following
4658 fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:
4660 I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre,
4661 And pick with care the disobedient wire.
4662 That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook
4663 With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look.
4664 I bide my time, and it shall come at length,
4665 When, with a Titan's energy and strength,
4666 I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O,
4667 The word shall suffer when I let them go!
4674 MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a
4675 heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from
4678 MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling
4679 one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing.
4681 So plain the advantages of machination
4682 It constitutes a moral obligation,
4683 And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing
4684 Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing.
4685 So prospers still the diplomatic art,
4686 And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart.
4689 MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age.
4690 History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old
4691 Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A
4692 Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he
4693 had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace.
4694 Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he
4695 could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a
4696 linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five
4697 hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie.
4698 There are instances of longevity (_macrobiosis_) in our own country.
4699 Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of
4700 _The American_, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes
4701 back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The
4702 President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the
4703 friends of his youth have risen to high political and military
4704 preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses
4705 following were written by a macrobian:
4707 When I was young the world was fair
4708 And amiable and sunny.
4709 A brightness was in all the air,
4710 In all the waters, honey.
4711 The jokes were fine and funny,
4712 The statesmen honest in their views,
4713 And in their lives, as well,
4714 And when you heard a bit of news
4715 'Twas true enough to tell.
4716 Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking,
4717 Nor women "generally speaking."
4719 The Summer then was long indeed:
4720 It lasted one whole season!
4721 The sparkling Winter gave no heed
4722 When ordered by Unreason
4723 To bring the early peas on.
4724 Now, where the dickens is the sense
4725 In calling that a year
4726 Which does no more than just commence
4727 Before the end is near?
4728 When I was young the year extended
4729 From month to month until it ended.
4731 I know not why the world has changed
4732 To something dark and dreary,
4733 And everything is now arranged
4734 To make a fellow weary.
4735 The Weather Man -- I fear he
4736 Has much to do with it, for, sure,
4737 The air is not the same:
4738 It chokes you when it is impure,
4739 When pure it makes you lame.
4740 With windows closed you are asthmatic;
4741 Open, neuralgic or sciatic.
4743 Well, I suppose this new regime
4745 Seems eviler than it would seem
4746 To a better observation,
4747 And has for compensation
4748 Some blessings in a deep disguise
4749 Which mortal sight has failed
4750 To pierce, although to angels' eyes
4751 They're visible unveiled.
4752 If Age is such a boon, good land!
4753 He's costumed by a master hand!
4756 MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence;
4757 not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by
4758 the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority;
4759 in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad
4760 by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For
4761 illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no
4762 firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any
4763 madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead
4764 of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he
4765 may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum
4766 and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many
4767 thoughtless spectators.
4769 MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found
4770 out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary
4771 of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by
4772 St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of
4773 Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is
4774 pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly
4775 sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for
4776 Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of
4779 MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are
4780 other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet
4781 lexicographer does not name them.
4783 MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism.
4785 MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet.
4786 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the
4787 works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
4788 subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
4791 MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to
4792 which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit,
4793 or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.
4795 MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is
4796 large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased
4797 in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was
4798 before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be
4799 larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the
4800 relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the
4801 astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist.
4802 For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a
4803 small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life-
4804 fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures
4805 peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper
4806 emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these
4809 MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
4810 that it might be taught to talk.
4812 MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless
4813 conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide
4814 geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored
4815 wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye,
4816 nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though
4817 in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with
4818 regard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field
4819 by the canary -- which, also, is more portable.
4821 A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang --
4822 This quaint, sweet song sang she;
4823 "It's O for a youth with a football bang
4824 And a muscle fair to see!
4827 On the gridiron he shall shine,
4828 A monarch by right divine,
4829 And never to roast on it -- me!"
4832 MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just
4833 contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great
4834 Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders
4835 of republican America.
4837 MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male
4838 of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The
4839 genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
4841 MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race.
4843 MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus
4844 believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could
4845 not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the
4846 Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers
4847 have been of the same way of thinking.
4849 MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a
4850 state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened
4851 put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
4853 MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple
4854 is in the holy city of New York.
4856 He swore that all other religions were gammon,
4857 And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon.
4860 MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he
4861 thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His
4862 chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
4863 species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to
4864 infest the whole habitable earh and Canada.
4866 When the world was young and Man was new,
4867 And everything was pleasant,
4868 Distinctions Nature never drew
4869 'Mongst kings and priest and peasant.
4870 We're not that way at present,
4871 Save here in this Republic, where
4872 We have that old regime,
4873 For all are kings, however bare
4874 Their backs, howe'er extreme
4875 Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice
4876 To accept the tyrant of his party's choice.
4878 A citizen who would not vote,
4879 And, therefore, was detested,
4880 Was one day with a tarry coat
4881 (With feathers backed and breasted)
4882 By patriots invested.
4883 "It is your duty," cried the crowd,
4884 "Your ballot true to cast
4885 For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed,
4886 And explained his wicked past:
4887 "That's what I very gladly would have done,
4888 Dear patriots, but he has never run."
4891 MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in
4892 a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had
4893 exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been
4894 particularly happy afterward.
4896 MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare
4897 between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians
4898 joined the victorious Opposition.
4900 MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the
4901 wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled
4902 down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies
4903 of the original occupants.
4905 MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a
4906 master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
4908 MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a
4911 MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an
4912 imaginary one. Important.
4914 Material things I know, or fell, or see;
4915 All else is immaterial to me.
4918 MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich.
4920 MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a
4923 ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in
4924 English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the
4925 oppressive. Each is all three.
4927 MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the
4928 ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of
4929 Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing
4930 when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.
4932 MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues,
4933 attainments or services more or less authentic.
4934 It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for
4935 gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of
4936 the medal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." And sometimes he
4939 MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.
4941 MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth
4945 Who slew the Egyptian.
4946 As sweet as a rose is
4947 The meekness of Moses.
4948 No monument shows his
4949 Post-mortem inscription,
4951 Who slew the Egyptian.
4952 _The Biographical Alphabet_
4953 MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed
4954 to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in
4955 coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen
4956 engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been
4957 disclosed by the manufacturers.
4959 There was a youth (you've heard before,
4960 This woeful tale, may be),
4961 Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore
4962 That color it would he!
4964 He shut himself from the world away,
4965 Nor any soul he saw.
4966 He smoke by night, he smoked by day,
4967 As hard as he could draw.
4969 His dog died moaning in the wrath
4970 Of winds that blew aloof;
4971 The weeds were in the gravel path,
4972 The owl was on the roof.
4974 "He's gone afar, he'll come no more,"
4975 The neighbors sadly say.
4976 And so they batter in the door
4977 To take his goods away.
4979 Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay,
4980 Nut-brown in face and limb.
4981 "That pipe's a lovely white," they say,
4982 "But it has colored him!"
4984 The moral there's small need to sing --
4985 'Tis plain as day to you:
4986 Don't play your game on any thing
4987 That is a gamester too.
4990 MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric.
4992 MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial
4993 pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.
4995 MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
4997 MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage
4998 and asked Incredulity to dinner.
5000 METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism.
5002 MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be
5003 screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.
5005 MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its
5006 chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature,
5007 the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing
5008 but itself to know itself with. From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown
5009 to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor
5010 over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_,"
5011 emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's
5014 MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
5016 MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility.
5017 In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible
5018 embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification
5019 is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador.
5021 MINOR, adj. Less objectionable.
5023 MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with
5024 a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can
5027 MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and
5028 unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with
5029 four aces and a king.
5031 MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth.
5032 Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present
5033 signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to
5034 the development of our language.
5036 MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a
5037 felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal
5040 By misdemeanors he essays to climb
5041 Into the aristocracy of crime.
5042 O, woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand
5043 "Captains of industry" refused his hand,
5044 "Kings of finance" denied him recognition
5045 And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition.
5046 He robbed a bank to make himself respected.
5047 They still rebuffed him, for he was detected.
5050 MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the
5051 foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.
5053 MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
5055 MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate
5056 that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are
5057 the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound
5058 and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In
5059 the general abolition of social titles in this our country they
5060 miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be
5061 consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest
5062 Mush, abbreviated to Mh.
5064 MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is
5065 distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
5066 of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
5067 indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the
5068 structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the
5069 atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of
5070 precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the
5071 condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific
5072 thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the
5073 molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth
5074 theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more
5075 about the matter than the others.
5077 MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See
5078 _Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to
5079 be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without
5080 manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of
5081 considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which
5082 the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentlmean.
5083 Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities
5084 needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class
5085 -- altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be
5086 confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern
5087 him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct
5090 MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch
5091 ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects
5092 have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has
5093 still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the
5094 disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political
5095 administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being
5096 somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his
5099 MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government.
5101 MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
5103 MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we
5104 part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite
5105 society. Supportable property.
5107 MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in
5110 MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary
5111 babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound
5112 by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon -- that is
5113 to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable
5114 of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.
5116 The man who writes in Saxon
5117 Is the man to use an ax on
5120 MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of
5121 our religion overlooked the advantages.
5123 MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which
5124 either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.
5126 The bones of Agammemnon are a show,
5127 And ruined is his royal monument,
5129 but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The
5130 monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments "to the
5131 unknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of
5132 those who have left no memory.
5134 MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right.
5135 Having the quality of general expediency.
5137 It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on
5138 one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other
5139 syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much
5140 conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act
5141 as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence.
5142 _Gooke's Meditations_
5144 MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much.
5146 MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in
5147 Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in
5148 Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female
5149 heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only
5150 Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs
5151 met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even
5152 attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by
5153 declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion,
5154 some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from
5155 lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of
5156 the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths
5157 lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical
5158 figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to a
5159 lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue.
5161 MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in
5162 New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell
5165 MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of
5168 MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted
5169 to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.
5171 MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both.
5173 MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In
5174 a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a multitude
5175 of consellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of
5176 equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be
5177 that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting
5178 together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere -- as well say
5179 that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains
5180 composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey
5181 him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish.
5183 MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern
5184 civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with
5185 an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the
5186 vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower
5189 By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said,
5190 Attests to the gods its respect for the dead.
5191 We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint,
5192 Distil him for physic and grind him for paint,
5193 Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame,
5194 And with levity flock to the scene of the shame.
5195 O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme:
5196 For respecting the dead what's the limit of time?
5199 MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English
5200 society, the American wife of an English nobleman.
5202 MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles -- particularly when he didn't
5205 MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
5206 origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
5207 from the true accounts which it invents later.
5213 NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The
5214 secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe
5215 that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient.
5217 Juno drank a cup of nectar,
5218 But the draught did not affect her.
5219 Juno drank a cup of rye --
5220 Then she bad herself good-bye.
5223 NEGRO, n. The _piece de resistance_ in the American political
5224 problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to
5225 build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however,
5226 appears to give an unsatisfactory solution.
5228 NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who
5229 does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
5231 NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of
5234 NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented
5235 by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but
5236 was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so
5237 far as to be able to say when.
5239 NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but
5240 Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
5242 NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable
5243 annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to
5246 NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious
5247 to incur social distinction and suffer high life.
5249 NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief
5250 product and authenticating sign of civilization.
5252 NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To
5253 put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting
5256 NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of
5257 private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public
5260 NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.
5262 NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent
5265 NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that
5266 great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the
5267 age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed
5268 that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of
5269 others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that
5270 the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
5272 There's a man with a Nose,
5273 And wherever he goes
5274 The people run from him and shout:
5276 For our ears if so be
5277 He blow that interminous snout!"
5279 So the lawyers applied
5280 For injunction. "Denied,"
5281 Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion,
5282 Whate'er it portend,
5283 Appears to transcend
5284 The bounds of this court's jurisdiction."
5287 NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The
5288 kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A
5289 Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending
5292 NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which
5293 merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is
5294 a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of
5295 reasoning -- which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and
5296 exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the
5297 endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah
5298 (therefore) for the noumenon!
5300 NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the
5301 same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is
5302 too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its
5303 successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity,
5304 totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read
5305 all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before.
5306 To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its
5307 distinguishing principle, probability, corresponds to the literal
5308 actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category
5309 of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to
5310 mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain;
5311 and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination,
5312 imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it
5313 was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace
5314 to its ashes -- some of which have a large sale.
5316 NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
5322 OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the
5323 conscience by a penalty for perjury.
5325 OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from
5326 struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground.
5327 Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet
5328 their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory
5329 without an alarm clock.
5331 OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses
5332 of their predecessors.
5334 OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and
5335 other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now.
5336 Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for
5337 every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently
5338 seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally
5339 driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the
5340 peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a
5341 woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a
5342 hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap
5343 higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in
5344 Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the
5345 soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The
5346 soldier, unfortunately, did not.
5348 OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words.
5349 A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter
5350 an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a
5351 good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good
5352 enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward
5353 "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as
5354 anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete
5355 and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and
5356 sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the
5357 vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a
5360 OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the
5361 splendor and stress of our advocacy.
5362 The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most
5365 OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That,
5366 however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase
5367 "occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such
5368 as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict
5369 us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no
5370 reference to irregular recurrence.
5372 OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the
5373 Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of
5374 the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
5375 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are
5376 the principal industries of the Orient.
5378 OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made
5379 for man -- who has no gills.
5381 OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as
5382 the advance of an army against its enemy.
5383 "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should
5384 say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't
5385 come out of his works!"
5387 OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with
5388 general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse of time
5389 and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book.
5391 "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said.
5392 "Fresh every day must be my books and bread."
5393 Nature herself approves the Goby rule
5394 And gives us every moment a fresh fool.
5397 OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek.
5398 Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as
5399 "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever
5400 afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the
5401 vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies
5402 have only to find it.
5404 OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by
5405 gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and
5406 mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his
5409 His name the smirking tourist scrawls
5410 Upon Minerva's temple walls,
5411 Where thundered once Olympian Zeus,
5412 And marks his appetite's abuse.
5415 OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
5419 OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose
5420 inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no
5421 postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word
5422 _simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for
5423 his model _Simia audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the ape
5426 The actor apes a man -- at least in shape;
5427 The opera performer apes and ape.
5429 OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into
5432 OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
5434 OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections.
5436 How lonely he who thinks to vex
5437 With bandinage the Solemn Sex!
5438 Of levity, Mere Man, beware;
5439 None but the Grave deserve the Unfair.
5442 OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from
5443 running amuck by hamstringing it.
5444 The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of
5445 government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members
5446 of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of
5447 these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister
5448 carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure.
5449 Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously.
5450 Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that
5451 if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their
5452 heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves.
5453 "What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions
5454 cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition."
5455 "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is
5456 true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all
5457 is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust."
5458 So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition
5459 embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and
5460 nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the
5461 nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was
5462 defeated -- the members of the Government party had not been nailed to
5463 their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put
5464 to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery,
5465 and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished
5468 OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful,
5469 including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and
5470 everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
5471 those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and
5472 is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a
5473 blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an
5474 intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is
5475 hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
5477 OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
5478 A pessimist applied to God for relief.
5479 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
5480 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
5481 would justify them."
5482 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
5483 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
5485 ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the
5486 understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.
5488 ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of
5489 filial ingratitude -- a privation appealing with a particular
5490 eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the
5491 orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of
5492 its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place. It
5493 is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and
5494 eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or
5497 ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke.
5499 ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the
5500 ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every
5501 asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since
5502 the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to
5503 be conceded hereafter.
5505 A spelling reformer indicted
5506 For fudge was before the court cicted.
5507 The judge said: "Enough --
5508 His candle we'll snough,
5509 And his sepulchre shall not be whicted."
5511 OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature
5512 has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have
5513 seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working
5514 pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out,
5515 the ostrich does not fly.
5517 OTHERWISE, adv. No better.
5519 OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of
5520 intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom
5521 of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal
5522 nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the
5523 doer had when he performed it.
5525 OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy.
5527 OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no
5528 government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire
5531 I climbed to the top of a mountain one day
5532 To see the sun setting in glory,
5533 And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray,
5534 Of a perfectly splendid story.
5536 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode
5537 Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested;
5538 Then the man would carry him miles on the road
5539 Till Neddy was pretty well rested.
5541 The moon rising solemnly over the crest
5542 Of the hills to the east of my station
5543 Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west
5544 Like a visible new creation.
5546 And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried)
5547 Of an idle young woman who tarried
5548 About a church-door for a look at the bride,
5549 Although 'twas herself that was married.
5551 To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand
5552 Ideas -- with thought and emotion.
5553 I pity the dunces who don't understand
5554 The speech of earth, heaven and ocean.
5557 OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of
5558 one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A
5559 lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to
5560 signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the
5561 hero of the hour and place.
5563 "I had an ovation!" the actor man said,
5564 But I thought it uncommonly queer,
5565 That people and critics by him had been led
5568 The Latin lexicon makes his absurd
5569 Assertion as plain as a peg;
5570 In "ovum" we find the true root of the word.
5574 OVEREAT, v. To dine.
5576 Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess,
5577 Well skilled to overeat without distress!
5578 Thy great invention, the unfatal feast,
5579 Shows Man's superiority to Beast.
5582 OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries
5583 who want to go fishing.
5585 OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified
5586 not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of
5587 debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and
5590 OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the
5591 hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are
5592 sometimes given to the poor.
5598 PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical
5599 basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely
5600 mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
5602 PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and
5603 exposing them to the critic.
5604 Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work:
5605 the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between
5606 the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons.
5608 PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great
5609 official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church
5610 is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a
5611 field, or wayside. There is progress.
5613 PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the
5614 familiar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed
5615 and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of
5616 invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece
5617 of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity.
5618 The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a
5619 considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known
5622 PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's
5623 classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in
5624 "reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The
5625 pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very
5626 accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted
5627 plainly spell the word "dupe." The imposture consists in not reading
5630 PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them
5631 have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a
5632 lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the
5633 ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his
5634 pride of distinction.
5636 PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The
5637 garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of
5638 flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called
5639 "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy.
5641 PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in
5642 contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.
5644 PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to
5645 the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.
5647 PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To
5648 add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.
5650 PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going
5651 abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special
5652 reprobation and outrage.
5654 PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we
5655 have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the
5656 Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These
5657 two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually
5658 effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow
5659 and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The
5660 Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the
5661 one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential
5662 prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing,
5663 beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is
5664 the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They
5665 are one -- the knowledge and the dream.
5667 PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for
5668 intellectual debility.
5670 PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
5672 PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to
5673 those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.
5675 PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one
5676 ambitious to illuminate his name.
5677 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
5678 last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened
5679 but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
5681 PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
5682 periods of fighting.
5684 O, what's the loud uproar assailing
5685 Mine ears without cease?
5686 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing
5687 The horrors of peace.
5689 Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it --
5690 Would marry it, too.
5691 If only they knew how to do it
5694 They're working by night and by day
5695 On their problem, like moles.
5696 Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray,
5697 On their meddlesome souls!
5700 PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an
5703 PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor
5704 with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.
5706 PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.
5708 PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the
5709 actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.
5710 The editor of an English magazine having received a letter
5711 pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed
5712 "Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't
5713 agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.
5715 PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of
5716 Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in
5717 order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution -- they
5718 knew no more of the matter than he.
5720 PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles,
5721 but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous
5722 peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in
5725 PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an
5728 "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all,
5729 Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl.
5730 "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare --
5731 The one at the goal while the other is -- where?"
5732 Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease
5733 Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace,
5734 The goal and the rival forgotten alike,
5735 And the long fatigue of the needless hike.
5736 His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew
5737 Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew,
5738 He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place,
5739 A winner of all that is good in a race.
5742 PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the
5743 observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his
5744 scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
5746 PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has
5747 trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
5749 PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment,
5750 following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is
5751 sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always
5754 PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
5756 PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird."
5758 PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
5760 PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in
5761 art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite
5762 so good as that of a Cheyenne.
5764 PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp.
5765 It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe
5768 PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs
5771 PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by
5772 the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which
5773 is the standard of excellence.
5775 "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man,
5776 "To read the mind's construction in the face."
5777 The physiognomists his portrait scan,
5778 And say: "How little wisdom here we trace!
5779 He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart,
5780 So, in his own defence, denied our art."
5783 PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It
5784 is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the
5787 PICKANINNY, n. The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus
5788 dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.
5790 PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome
5793 "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view --
5794 Taken from Life." If that description's true,
5795 Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.
5798 PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.
5800 Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains.
5802 (in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman)
5804 Cold pie is a detestable
5805 American comestible.
5806 That's why I'm done -- or undone --
5807 So far from that dear London.
5808 (from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo)
5810 PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed
5813 The pig is taught by sermons and epistles
5814 To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.
5817 PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human
5818 race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
5819 inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
5821 PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers
5822 in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The
5823 Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians
5826 PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was
5827 one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms
5828 through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could
5829 personate God according to the dictates of his conscience.
5831 PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction
5832 -- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere
5833 virtues and blameless lives.
5835 PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
5837 PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary
5838 encounter with oneself.
5840 PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
5842 PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable
5843 priority and an honorable subsequence.
5845 PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom
5846 one has never, never read.
5848 PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for
5849 admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the
5850 Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is
5851 merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless
5854 PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an
5857 PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular
5858 literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of
5859 a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in
5860 artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a
5861 departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose
5862 of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the
5863 sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram.
5865 PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic
5866 Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a
5869 PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and
5872 PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
5874 PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection.
5876 PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained
5877 nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a
5880 PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
5882 PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary
5883 is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he
5886 PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought.
5888 PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the
5891 PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the
5892 decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of
5893 ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the
5894 wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity.
5896 POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In
5897 woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her
5898 conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of
5901 POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the
5904 POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to
5905 this lexicographer unknown.
5907 POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.
5909 POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
5911 POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of
5912 principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
5914 POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the
5915 superstructure of organized society is reared. When we wriggles he
5916 mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.
5917 As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being
5920 POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with
5921 several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which
5924 POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found
5925 in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an
5926 uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the
5927 power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing
5928 independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he
5929 possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech
5930 of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was
5931 known as "The Matter with Kansas."
5933 PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of
5936 His light estate, if neither he did make it
5937 Nor yet its former guardian forsake it,
5938 Is portable improperly, I take it.
5941 PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They
5942 are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed
5945 POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
5947 POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and
5948 affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte,
5949 its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
5951 POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a
5952 popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure
5955 POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable;
5956 indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find
5957 it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as
5958 thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and
5959 diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all
5960 countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of
5961 substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that
5962 liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be
5963 unscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads.
5965 POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The
5966 number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who
5967 suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about
5968 it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues
5969 and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a
5970 prosperity where they believe these to be unknown.
5972 PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf
5973 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
5975 PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory
5976 race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily
5977 conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to
5978 have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its
5979 known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and
5980 theologians with a controversy.
5982 PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in
5983 the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a
5984 Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of
5985 doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has
5986 only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate
5987 those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates
5988 the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the
5989 noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.
5991 PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial.
5993 Precipitate in all, this sinner
5994 Took action first, and then his dinner.
5997 PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in
5998 the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a
5999 Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of
6000 doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has
6001 only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate
6002 those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates
6003 the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the
6004 noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.
6006 PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial.
6008 Precipitate in all, this sinner
6009 Took action first, and then his dinner.
6012 PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to
6013 programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of
6014 foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does
6015 not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other
6016 doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough
6017 to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore.
6018 With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a
6019 reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.
6021 PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency.
6023 PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.
6025 PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation.
6027 PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the
6028 erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.
6029 An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no
6030 better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die.
6031 "Because," he replied, "death is no better than life."
6034 PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum.
6035 Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.
6037 He lived in a period prehistoric,
6038 When all was absurd and phantasmagoric.
6039 Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded,
6040 Set down great events in succession and order,
6041 He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous
6042 In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.
6045 PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
6047 PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and
6048 a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God.
6050 PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong.
6052 PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government
6053 authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.
6055 PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the
6056 situation with least harm to the patient.
6058 PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of
6059 disappointment from the realm of hope.
6061 PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time
6063 In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony
6064 if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in
6065 New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he
6066 must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black.
6068 PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable
6069 result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He
6070 presided at the piccolo."
6072 The Headliner, holding the copy in hand,
6073 Read with a solemn face:
6074 "The music was very uncommonly grand --
6075 The best that was every provided,
6076 For our townsman Brown presided
6077 At the organ with skill and grace."
6078 The Headliner discontinued to read,
6079 And, spread the paper down
6080 On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed:
6081 "Great playing by President Brown."
6084 PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American
6087 PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom --
6088 and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers of
6089 their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
6091 If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater
6092 To have been a simple and undamned spectator.
6093 Behold in me a man of mark and note
6094 Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! --
6095 An undiscredited, unhooted gent
6096 Who might, for all we know, be President
6097 By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer --
6098 I'm passing with a wide and open ear!
6101 PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar estate.
6103 PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of
6104 conscience in demanding it.
6106 PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported
6107 by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the
6108 Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies
6109 Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is
6112 PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us
6115 "Stone walls do not a prison make,"
6117 but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the
6118 moral instructor is no garden of sweets.
6120 PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his
6121 knapsack and an impediment in his hope.
6123 PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him
6124 in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.
6125 For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.
6126 Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the
6127 illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and
6128 answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high
6129 promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous
6130 humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No
6131 successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward bok, of
6132 _The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity and
6133 sweetness of his personal character.
6135 PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly
6136 these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants,
6137 with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could
6138 supply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of
6139 prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into
6140 favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its
6141 capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of
6144 PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of
6145 unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to
6148 PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing
6149 nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
6151 PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may
6152 be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the
6153 passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The
6154 object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.
6156 PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for
6159 PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually
6162 Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes --
6163 O'er Ceylon blow your breath,
6164 Where every prospect pleases,
6165 Save only that of death.
6168 PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the
6169 person so describing it.
6171 PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.
6173 PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in
6176 PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success,
6177 especially in politics. The other is Pull.
6179 PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It
6180 consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its
6181 modern professors have added that.
6187 QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king,
6188 and through whom it is ruled when there is not.
6190 QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly
6191 wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its
6192 modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting
6195 QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the
6196 aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.
6198 He extracted from his quiver,
6199 Did the controversial Roman,
6200 An argument well fitted
6201 To the question as submitted,
6202 Then addressed it to the liver,
6203 Of the unpersuaded foeman.
6206 QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into
6207 the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily
6208 denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name
6209 is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.
6211 When ignorance from out of our lives can banish
6212 Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish.
6215 QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to
6216 have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United
6217 States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on
6218 Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of
6219 Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.
6221 QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
6222 The words erroneously repeated.
6224 Intent on making his quotation truer,
6225 He sought the page infallible of Brewer,
6226 Then made a solemn vow that we would be
6227 Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!
6230 QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging
6231 to one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about
6232 as many times as it can be got there.
6238 RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority
6239 tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred
6240 Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it do
6241 nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in
6242 our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")
6244 RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading
6245 devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to
6246 the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now
6247 held in light popular esteem.
6249 RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.
6251 He held at court a rank so high
6252 That other noblemen asked why.
6253 "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack
6254 His skill to scratch the royal back."
6257 RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller,
6258 nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.
6260 RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power.
6262 RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point
6263 out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained
6264 that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and
6265 that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared
6266 after the recipe of a she banker.
6268 RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect.
6270 RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded
6273 RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.
6275 "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let
6276 These gamblers take your cash."
6277 "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes!
6278 How can you be so rash?"
6281 RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation,
6282 experience and reflection.
6284 RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_.
6286 RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty,
6287 by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to
6290 REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within
6291 which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the
6292 propensity to provide.
6294 This is a truth, as old as the hills,
6295 That life and experience teach:
6296 The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,
6297 An impediment of his reach.
6300 READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it
6301 consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and
6304 We know by one's reading
6305 His learning and breeding;
6306 By what draws his laughter
6307 We know his Hereafter.
6308 Read nothing, laugh never --
6309 The Sphinx was less clever!
6312 RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the
6315 RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ
6316 that a scientist is a fool with.
6318 RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get
6319 away from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose
6320 the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits
6321 him to make the transit with great expedition.
6323 RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture,
6324 otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings
6325 of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our
6326 earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the
6327 White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of
6328 the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a
6331 REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The
6332 charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a
6335 REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain
6336 in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.
6338 REALLY, adv. Apparently.
6340 REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army
6341 that is nearest to Congress.
6343 REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
6345 REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.
6347 REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions.
6348 Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
6350 REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish
6353 RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously
6356 RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for
6357 the purpose of digging up the dead.
6359 RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.
6361 RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded
6362 to the player against whom they are loaded.
6364 RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general
6367 RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform
6368 and from a soldier by his gait.
6370 Fresh from the farm or factory or street,
6371 His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,
6372 Were an impressive martial spectacle
6373 Except for two impediments -- his feet.
6376 RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the
6377 parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.
6379 REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin,
6380 through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The
6381 doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy
6382 religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have
6383 everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
6385 We must awake Man's spirit from his sin,
6386 And take some special measure for redeeming it;
6387 Though hard indeed the task to get it in
6388 Among the angels any way but teaming it,
6389 Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.
6390 I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner:
6391 My method is to crucify the sinner.
6394 REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction.
6395 Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the
6396 king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of
6397 the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own
6398 naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and
6399 it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch.
6401 RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -- at
6402 least not on the outside.
6404 REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; _de trop_.
6406 The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant
6407 To prove this unbelieving dog redundant."
6408 To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,
6409 Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive."
6412 Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen.
6415 REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a
6416 popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
6418 REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view
6419 of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the
6420 perils that we shall not again encounter.
6422 REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to
6425 REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and
6426 Joshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh,
6427 Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life inadvertently
6428 could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable
6429 expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to
6430 enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was
6431 appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of
6434 REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand
6435 in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a
6436 rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by
6437 a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of
6438 finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the
6439 refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by
6440 some casuists the refusal assentive.
6442 REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such
6443 ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of
6444 Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League
6445 of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society
6446 of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians;
6447 Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of
6448 the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long
6449 Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the
6450 Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant
6451 Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining
6452 Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of
6453 the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the
6454 Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the
6455 Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of
6456 Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror;
6457 Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden;
6458 Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the
6459 Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient
6460 Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity;
6461 Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of
6462 Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential;
6463 the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of
6464 Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star;
6465 Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.
6467 RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the
6468 nature of the Unknowable.
6469 "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims.
6470 "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it."
6471 "Then why do you not become an atheist?"
6472 "Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism."
6473 "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants."
6475 RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the
6476 true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the
6477 lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth.
6478 Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent
6479 the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable
6480 times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once
6481 escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of
6482 the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three
6483 times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan
6484 in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the
6485 library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was
6486 seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the
6487 diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the
6488 Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome.
6490 RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -- a
6491 little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable
6492 than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and
6495 I touched the harp in every key,
6496 But found no heeding ear;
6497 And then Ithuriel touched me
6498 With a revealing spear.
6500 Not all my genius, great as 'tis,
6501 Could urge me out of night.
6502 I felt the faint appulse of his,
6503 And leapt into the light!
6506 REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted
6507 from the satisfaction felt in committing it.
6509 REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a
6510 constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to
6511 offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.
6513 REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It
6514 is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not
6515 inconsistent with continuity of sin.
6517 Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell,
6518 You will repent and join the Church, Parnell?
6519 How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals
6520 And add you to the woes of other souls.
6523 REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made
6524 the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which
6525 is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the
6526 replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful
6529 REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it
6530 with a tempest of words.
6532 "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou
6533 Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!"
6534 So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew
6535 Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview."
6538 REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling.
6540 REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House
6541 in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.
6543 REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal
6544 prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin,
6545 whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his
6546 conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are
6547 predestined to salvation.
6549 REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing
6550 governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to
6551 enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of
6552 public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from
6553 ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to.
6554 There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between
6555 the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead.
6557 REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the
6558 winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of
6559 providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.
6561 RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave.
6563 RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an
6564 advantage for a greater advantage.
6566 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed
6568 Of title, rank and every kind
6569 Of military station --
6570 Each honorable station.
6572 By his example fired -- inclined
6574 The country humbly was resigned
6575 To Leonard's resignation --
6576 His Christian resignation.
6579 RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
6581 RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head
6584 RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an
6585 inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its
6586 passage to the lungs.
6588 RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin,
6589 to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have
6590 been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of
6591 a disagreeable expectation.
6593 Altgeld upon his incandescend bed
6594 Lay, an attendant demon at his head.
6596 "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief --
6597 Some respite from the roast, however brief."
6599 "Remember how on earth I pardoned all
6600 Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall."
6602 "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm
6603 O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.
6605 "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,
6606 Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate.
6608 "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar,
6609 Not even the memory of who you are."
6611 Throughout eternal space dread silence fell;
6612 Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.
6614 "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be
6615 As, governing down here, I'd respite thee."
6617 "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack
6618 You thrust from jail consumed in getting back."
6620 A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide
6621 While they were turning him on t'other side.
6624 RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in
6625 his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an
6626 elemental unit of a parade.
6628 The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-
6629 and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them.
6630 "Chronicles of the Classes"
6632 RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness
6633 of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external
6634 coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve,
6635 responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is
6636 to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and,
6637 incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.
6639 RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the
6640 shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days
6641 of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
6643 Alas, things ain't what we should see
6644 If Eve had let that apple be;
6645 And many a feller which had ought
6646 To set with monarchses of thought,
6647 Or play some rosy little game
6648 With battle-chaps on fields of fame,
6649 Is downed by his unlucky star
6650 And hollers: "Peanuts! -- here you are!"
6653 RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public
6654 libraries by gift or bequest.
6656 RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist.
6658 RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of
6661 RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon
6662 the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by
6664 In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father
6665 Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the
6666 improduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talking
6669 What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go
6670 Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet?
6671 Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so?
6672 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot,
6673 And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at
6674 Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know
6675 That empires are ungrateful; are you certain
6676 Republics are less handy to get hurt in?
6678 REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields
6679 no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the
6680 American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that
6681 pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their
6682 misfortunes and their sacred dishonor.
6684 REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed
6685 all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know
6688 REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a
6693 To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it,
6694 Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)
6695 At work upon a book, and so read out of it
6696 The qualities that you have first read into it.
6698 REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of
6699 misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of
6700 the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the
6701 welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch.
6702 Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of
6703 blood, but are accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made by
6704 beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The
6705 French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day;
6706 when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are
6707 inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law
6710 RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for
6711 precious metals in the pocket of a fool.
6713 RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself.
6715 RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another.
6716 The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been
6717 used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious
6718 writers of the fifteenth century -- commonly, indeed, regarded as the
6719 founder of the Fastidiotic School.
6721 RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular
6722 novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the
6723 conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine,
6724 and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp.
6726 RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property
6727 of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the
6728 luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the
6729 Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid
6730 advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise.
6734 A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in
6735 whom I am well pleased."
6738 The reward of toil and virtue.
6741 The sayings of many in the hands of one.
6744 To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels
6745 that he can add nothing of value.
6747 RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are
6748 uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who
6749 utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident.
6750 Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- a
6751 ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone
6752 centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance.
6753 What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine
6754 of Infant Respectability?
6756 RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right
6757 to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have
6758 measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally
6759 believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is
6760 still sometimes affirmed _in partibus infidelium_ outside the
6761 enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir
6762 Abednego Bink, following:
6764 By what right, then, do royal rulers rule?
6765 Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r?
6766 He surely were as stubborn as a mule
6767 Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour
6768 His uninvited session on the throne, or air
6769 His pride securely in the Presidential chair.
6771 Whatever is is so by Right Divine;
6772 Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land!
6773 It were a wondrous thing if His design
6774 A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand!
6775 If so, then God, I say (intending no offence)
6776 Is guilty of contributory negligence.
6778 RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the
6779 Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some
6780 feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it
6781 into several European countries, but it appears to have been
6782 imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found
6783 in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic
6784 passage from which is here given:
6786 "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of
6787 mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to
6788 the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and
6789 just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state;
6790 and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my
6791 injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be
6792 wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty
6793 to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be
6794 righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful,
6795 in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better
6796 disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain."
6798 RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The
6799 verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually
6800 (and wickedly) spelled "rhyme."
6802 RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.
6804 The rimer quenches his unheeded fires,
6805 The sound surceases and the sense expires.
6806 Then the domestic dog, to east and west,
6807 Expounds the passions burning in his breast.
6808 The rising moon o'er that enchanted land
6809 Pauses to hear and yearns to understand.
6812 RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent
6815 R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting to
6816 indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge,
6817 however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in
6820 RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept
6821 or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out
6824 RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear
6825 freedom, keeping off the grass.
6827 ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is
6828 too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
6830 All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome,
6831 Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home.
6834 ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs.
6835 It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling
6836 companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive,
6837 and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once
6838 there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he
6839 was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story."
6841 ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as
6842 They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to
6843 probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance
6844 it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination -- free,
6845 lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as
6846 Carlyle might say -- a mere reporter. He may invent his characters
6847 and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not
6848 occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes
6849 this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a
6850 lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick
6851 volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black
6852 profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels,
6853 for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it
6854 remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we
6855 have is "The Thousand and One Nights."
6857 ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they
6858 too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's
6859 whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex
6860 electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is
6861 rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment.
6863 ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In
6864 America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically
6865 expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.
6867 ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English
6868 civil war -- so called from his habit of wearing his hair short,
6869 whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other
6870 points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the
6871 fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because
6872 the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair
6873 grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly
6874 barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal
6875 neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation.
6876 Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the
6877 fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this
6878 day beneath the snows of British civility.
6880 RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies,
6881 literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions
6882 lying due south from Boreaplas.
6884 RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the
6887 RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total
6890 RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
6892 Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield,
6893 By guard unparried as by flight unstayed,
6894 O serviceable Rumor, let me wield
6895 Against my enemy no other blade.
6896 His be the terror of a foe unseen,
6897 His the inutile hand upon the hilt,
6898 And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen,
6899 Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt.
6900 So shall I slay the wretch without a blow,
6901 Spare me to celebrate his overthrow,
6902 And nurse my valor for another foe.
6905 RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A
6912 SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God
6913 made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the
6914 Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this
6915 is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy
6916 neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient
6917 that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early
6918 Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of
6919 the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious
6920 jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is
6921 reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water
6922 version of the Fourth Commandment:
6924 Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able,
6925 And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.
6927 Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the
6928 captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine
6931 SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a
6932 priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge
6933 that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the
6936 SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of
6937 authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments,
6938 but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can
6939 afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller
6940 sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will
6941 indubitable be damned.
6943 SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine
6944 character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama
6945 of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the
6946 Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt;
6947 the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.
6949 All things are either sacred or profane.
6950 The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
6951 The latter to the devil appertain.
6954 SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of
6955 Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences
6956 gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the
6957 traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally
6958 bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent
6959 and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon
6960 California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of
6961 solecisms. The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and
6962 "sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably
6965 SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent
6966 the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the
6969 Once I seen a human ruin
6970 In an elevator-well,
6971 And his members was bestrewin'
6972 All the place where he had fell.
6974 And I says, apostrophisin'
6975 That uncommon woful wreck:
6976 "Your position's so surprisin'
6977 That I tremble for your neck!"
6979 Then that ruin, smilin' sadly
6980 And impressive, up and spoke:
6981 "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly,
6982 For it's been a fortnight broke."
6984 Then, for further comprehension
6985 Of his attitude, he begs
6986 I will focus my attention
6987 On his various arms and legs --
6989 How they all are contumacious;
6990 Where they each, respective, lie;
6991 How one trotter proves ungracious,
6992 T'other one an _alibi_.
6994 These particulars is mentioned
6995 For to show his dismal state,
6996 Which I wasn't first intentioned
6997 To specifical relate.
6999 None is worser to be dreaded
7000 That I ever have heard tell
7001 Than the gent's who there was spreaded
7002 In that elevator-well.
7004 Now this tale is allegoric --
7005 It is figurative all,
7006 For the well is metaphoric
7007 And the feller didn't fall.
7009 I opine it isn't moral
7010 For a writer-man to cheat,
7011 And despise to wear a laurel
7012 As was gotten by deceit.
7014 For 'tis Politics intended
7015 By the elevator, mind,
7016 It will boost a person splendid
7017 If his talent is the kind.
7019 Col. Bryan had the talent
7020 (For the busted man is him)
7021 And it shot him up right gallant
7022 Till his head begun to swim.
7024 Then the rope it broke above him
7025 And he painful come to earth
7026 Where there's nobody to love him
7027 For his detrimented worth.
7029 Though he's livin' none would know him,
7030 Or at leastwise not as such.
7031 Moral of this woful poem:
7032 Frequent oil your safety-clutch.
7035 SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
7036 The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old
7037 calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis
7038 de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear
7039 that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate
7040 things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a
7041 perfect gentleman, though a fool."
7043 SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in
7044 popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls,
7045 who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are
7046 occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked
7047 harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are
7048 tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.
7050 SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an
7051 anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now
7052 believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account
7053 having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it
7054 with a bucket of holy water.
7056 SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a
7057 certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of
7058 devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern
7059 obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art.
7061 SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in
7062 sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made
7063 himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from
7064 Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a
7065 moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like
7068 "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws."
7069 "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn
7070 of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to make
7072 "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them
7076 SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten
7077 its contents, madam.
7079 SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the
7080 vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with
7081 imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a
7082 sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we
7083 are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all
7084 humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans
7085 are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not
7086 generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the
7087 satirist is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his ever
7088 victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent.
7090 Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung
7091 In the dead language of a mummy's tongue,
7092 For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well --
7093 Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell.
7094 Had it been such as consecrates the Bible
7095 Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.
7098 SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded
7099 recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at
7100 first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose
7101 allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and
7102 improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a
7103 later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and
7106 SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment.
7107 A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one
7108 sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented
7109 and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.
7111 SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and
7112 colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head.
7113 Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.
7115 A penny saved is a penny to squander.
7117 A man is known by the company that he organizes.
7119 A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.
7121 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
7123 Better late than before anybody has invited you.
7125 Example is better than following it.
7127 Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.
7129 Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.
7131 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to
7134 Least said is soonest disavowed.
7136 He laughs best who laughs least.
7138 Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.
7140 Of two evils choose to be the least.
7142 Strike while your employer has a big contract.
7144 Where there's a will there's a won't.
7146 SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to
7147 our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality,
7148 the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit
7149 of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it
7150 to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal
7151 reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior
7152 beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest.
7154 SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus.
7156 He fell by his own hand
7157 Beneath the great oak tree.
7158 He'd traveled in a foreign land.
7159 He tried to make her understand
7160 The dance that's called the Saraband,
7161 But he called it Scarabee.
7162 He had called it so through an afternoon,
7163 And she, the light of his harem if so might be,
7164 Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see,
7165 All frosted there in the shine o' the moon --
7167 And a recollection that came too late.
7169 They buried him where he lay,
7170 He sleeps awaiting the Day,
7172 And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan,
7173 Gloom over the grave and then move on.
7174 Dead for a Scarabee!
7177 SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious.
7178 The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot
7179 iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent
7180 spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification,
7181 with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction.
7182 The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to
7183 yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is
7184 conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of
7185 grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a
7186 penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice.
7188 SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his
7189 authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign
7190 admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the
7191 bones of their proponents.
7193 SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of
7194 which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the
7195 incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated
7196 from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth
7199 When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to
7200 decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after
7201 the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his
7202 Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man
7203 who should have been at that time ten minutes dead!
7204 "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged
7205 monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and
7206 have your head struck off by the public executioner at three
7207 o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?"
7208 "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the
7209 condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is
7210 a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and
7211 vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I
7212 ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The
7213 executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously
7214 whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck,
7215 strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a
7216 favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable
7217 and treasonous head."
7218 "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled
7219 caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado.
7220 "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- I
7221 know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi."
7222 "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an
7223 attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the
7225 "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!"
7226 roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck
7227 that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?"
7228 "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner,
7229 unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers."
7230 Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted
7231 like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung
7232 violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered
7233 peacefully to the close, without incident.
7234 All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as
7235 white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled
7236 and his breath came in gasps of terror.
7237 "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a
7238 ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly
7239 because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it
7240 through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office."
7241 So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and
7242 advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.
7244 SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many
7245 persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing
7246 whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to
7247 collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following,
7248 by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:
7250 Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast
7251 You keep a record true
7252 Of every kind of peppered roast
7255 Wherein you paste the printed gibes
7256 That revel round your name,
7257 Thinking the laughter of the scribes
7260 Where all the pictures you arrange
7261 That comic pencils trace --
7262 Your funny figure and your strange
7265 Pray lend it me. Wit I have not,
7266 Nor art, but there I'll list
7267 The daily drubbings you'd have got
7270 SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to
7273 SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as
7274 distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other
7277 SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest
7278 their authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax,
7279 and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing,
7280 in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing
7281 important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical
7282 efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the
7283 British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a
7284 sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other
7285 devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in
7286 many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are
7287 appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless
7288 custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote
7289 utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense
7290 evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our
7291 word "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but the
7292 learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence
7293 of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were
7294 formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will
7295 serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S.,
7296 commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean _locum
7297 sigillis_, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used
7298 -- an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the
7299 beasts that perish. The words _locum sigillis_ are humbly suggested
7300 as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take
7301 their place as a sovereign State of the American Union.
7303 SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of
7304 environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are
7305 more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with
7308 The devil casting a seine of lace,
7309 (With precious stones 'twas weighted)
7310 Drew it into the landing place
7311 And its contents calculated.
7313 All souls of women were in that sack --
7314 A draft miraculous, precious!
7315 But ere he could throw it across his back
7316 They'd all escaped through the meshes.
7319 SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement.
7321 SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
7323 SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
7325 SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
7328 SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true,
7329 creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine.
7330 Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding
7331 chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a
7332 synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read
7333 _them_. A synposis of the entire work would be still better.
7334 The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly
7335 paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to
7336 us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the
7337 installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world
7338 without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday
7339 morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he
7340 found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His
7341 collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship
7342 and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic.
7344 SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held
7345 individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are
7346 believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the
7347 lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could
7348 not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey.
7350 Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind
7351 Saw death before, hell and the grave behind;
7352 Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay --
7353 His small belongings their appointed prey;
7354 Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile,
7355 Persuaded elsewhere every little while!
7356 His fire unquenched and his undying worm
7357 By "land in severalty" (charming term!)
7358 Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last,
7359 And he to his new holding anchored fast!
7361 SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose
7362 most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern
7363 States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.
7365 John Elmer Pettibone Cajee
7366 (I write of him with little glee)
7367 Was just as bad as he could be.
7369 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon!
7370 The sun has never looked upon
7371 So bad a man as Neighbor John."
7373 A sinner through and through, he had
7374 This added fault: it made him mad
7375 To know another man was bad.
7377 In such a case he thought it right
7378 To rise at any hour of night
7379 And quench that wicked person's light.
7381 Despite the town's entreaties, he
7382 Would hale him to the nearest tree
7383 And leave him swinging wide and free.
7385 Or sometimes, if the humor came,
7386 A luckless wight's reluctant frame
7387 Was given to the cheerful flame.
7389 While it was turning nice and brown,
7390 All unconcerned John met the frown
7391 Of that austere and righteous town.
7393 "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he
7394 So scornful of the law should be --
7395 An anar c, h, i, s, t."
7397 (That is the way that they preferred
7398 To utter the abhorrent word,
7399 So strong the aversion that it stirred.)
7401 "Resolved," they said, continuing,
7402 "That Badman John must cease this thing
7403 Of having his unlawful fling.
7405 "Now, by these sacred relics" -- here
7406 Each man had out a souvenir
7407 Got at a lynching yesteryear --
7409 "By these we swear he shall forsake
7410 His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache
7411 By sins of rope and torch and stake.
7413 "We'll tie his red right hand until
7414 He'll have small freedom to fulfil
7415 The mandates of his lawless will."
7417 So, in convention then and there,
7418 They named him Sheriff. The affair
7419 Was opened, it is said, with prayer.
7422 SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt
7423 to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any
7424 lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing
7427 SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_)
7428 with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue
7429 what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in
7430 accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of
7431 setting up as a wit without a capital of sense.
7433 SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is
7434 used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer
7435 who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil"
7436 it is seen at its best:
7438 The wheels go round without a sound --
7439 The maidens hold high revel;
7440 In sinful mood, insanely gay,
7441 True spinsters spin adown the way
7442 From duty to the devil!
7443 They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling!
7444 Their bells go all the morning;
7445 Their lanterns bright bestar the night
7446 Pedestrians a-warning.
7447 With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands,
7448 Good-Lording and O-mying,
7449 Her rheumatism forgotten quite,
7450 Her fat with anger frying.
7451 She blocks the path that leads to wrath,
7452 Jack Satan's power defying.
7453 The wheels go round without a sound
7454 The lights burn red and blue and green.
7455 What's this that's found upon the ground?
7456 Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen!
7459 SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished
7460 from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is
7461 that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began
7462 by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men
7463 ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of
7466 His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away,
7467 And drags his sophistry to light of day;
7468 Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort
7469 To falsehood of so desperate a sort.
7470 Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast,
7471 He lies most lightly who the least is pressed.
7474 SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political
7475 influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was
7476 punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor
7477 peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to
7478 compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the
7479 suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his
7480 tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing
7483 SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave
7484 disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of
7485 existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of
7486 eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became
7487 philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had
7488 least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and
7489 despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad-
7490 browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was
7491 not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted
7492 against his enemies; certainly he was not the last.
7493 "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of
7494 _Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath been hardly more argument than
7495 that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath
7496 her seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may discern and interpret
7497 a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men
7498 most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly'
7499 -- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him
7500 to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and
7501 majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach
7502 are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who
7503 nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that
7504 its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of
7505 the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing.
7506 This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek
7507 of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according
7508 to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse
7509 clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the
7510 public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which
7511 firmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin,
7512 anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian comestibles
7513 shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever,
7514 and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and
7515 richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith,
7516 though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His
7517 Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly
7518 revere) will assent to its dissemination."
7520 SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with
7521 supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of
7522 the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells,
7523 who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and
7524 mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror
7525 that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells
7526 ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another
7529 STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories
7530 here following has, however, not been successfully impeached.
7532 One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated
7533 at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic.
7534 "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_,
7535 is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its
7536 authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the
7537 Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?"
7538 "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did
7539 not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who
7542 Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was
7543 addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a
7544 stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back
7545 and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be
7546 haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had
7547 been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is
7548 putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o'
7549 nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the
7550 loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their
7551 courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist.
7552 "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as
7553 this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts! And
7554 you are a believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?"
7555 "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal
7556 cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am
7557 afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and
7558 I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it."
7560 Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were
7561 standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the
7562 question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the
7563 middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that
7564 band before. Santlemann's, I think."
7565 "I don't hear any band," said Schley.
7566 "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General
7567 Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in
7568 the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions
7569 pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin."
7570 While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy
7571 General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity.
7572 When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two
7573 observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its
7575 "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral.
7576 "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys
7579 The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile
7580 from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town
7581 on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a
7582 street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of
7583 teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a
7584 dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark,
7586 "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun.
7587 He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I passed him."
7588 "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate
7590 The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that
7592 He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a
7593 stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had
7594 put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted
7595 to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule
7596 loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another
7597 man entered the saloon.
7598 "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that
7599 mule, barkeeper: it smells."
7600 "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in
7601 Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't."
7602 In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there,
7603 apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger.
7604 The boys idd not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the
7605 body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much
7606 of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that
7607 night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the
7608 misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon
7609 emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook
7610 it, and passed the night in town.
7612 General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a
7613 pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but
7614 imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the
7615 General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is
7616 named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing
7617 his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all.
7618 "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist,
7619 "what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? -- and with my coat
7621 Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the
7622 manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned
7623 with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an
7624 empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably
7625 entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful
7626 progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said:
7627 "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you
7628 about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?"
7629 General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away.
7630 "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking
7631 of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room
7634 SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In
7635 literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are
7636 exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines
7637 by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious
7638 reason, "John A. Joyce."
7640 The bard who would prosper must carry a book,
7641 Do his thinking in prose and wear
7642 A crimson cravat, a far-away look
7643 And a head of hexameter hair.
7644 Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat;
7645 If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat.
7647 SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right
7648 of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means,
7649 as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another
7650 man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name
7651 of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned
7652 for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is
7653 himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he
7654 profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater
7655 weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a
7656 woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female
7657 responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to
7658 jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back
7659 into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them.
7661 SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he
7662 may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an
7665 As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased
7666 To fix itself upon a part diseased
7667 Till, its black hide distended with bad blood,
7668 It drops to die of surfeit in the mud,
7669 So the base sycophant with joy descries
7670 His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies,
7671 Gorges and prospers like the leech, although,
7672 Unlike that reptile, he will not let go.
7673 Gelasma, if it paid you to devote
7674 Your talent to the service of a goat,
7675 Showing by forceful logic that its beard
7676 Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered;
7677 If to the task of honoring its smell
7678 Profit had prompted you, and love as well,
7679 The world would benefit at last by you
7680 And wealthy malefactors weep anew --
7681 Your favor for a moment's space denied
7682 And to the nobler object turned aside.
7683 Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires
7684 Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,
7685 Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly
7686 To safer villainies of darker dye,
7687 Forswearing robbery and fain, instead,
7688 To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread
7689 May see you groveling their boots to lick
7690 And begging for the favor of a kick?
7691 Still must you follow to the bitter end
7692 Your sycophantic disposition's trend,
7693 And in your eagerness to please the rich
7694 Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch?
7695 In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire,
7696 And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher!
7697 What's Satan done that him you should eschew?
7698 He too is reeking rich -- deducting _you_.
7700 SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor
7701 assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.)
7703 SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when
7704 the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory
7705 smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were
7706 allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively,
7707 in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of
7708 the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they
7709 had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the
7710 chicks having ever been seen.
7712 SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for
7713 something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things which
7714 having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have
7715 inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on
7716 memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the
7717 dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that
7718 conceals our helplessness.
7720 SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation
7723 They say 'tis conscience feels compunction;
7724 I hold that that's the stomach's function,
7725 For of the sinner I have noted
7726 That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated,
7727 Or ill some other ghastly fashion
7728 Within that bowel of compassion.
7729 True, I believe the only sinner
7730 Is he that eats a shabby dinner.
7731 You know how Adam with good reason,
7732 For eating apples out of season,
7733 Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic:
7734 The truth is, Adam had the colic.
7741 T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks
7742 absurdly called _tau_. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the
7743 form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone
7744 (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified
7745 _Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."
7747 TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal
7748 passion for irresponsibility.
7750 Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,
7751 Took Madam P. to table,
7752 And there deliriously fed
7753 As fast as he was able.
7755 "I dote upon good grub," he cried,
7756 Intent upon its throatage.
7757 "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride,
7758 "You're in your _table d'hotage_."
7761 TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its
7762 natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of
7763 its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a
7764 privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness
7765 by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a
7766 marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail
7767 should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable
7768 in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong
7769 and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now
7770 generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually
7771 susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan
7774 TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
7776 TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an
7777 impulse without purpose.
7779 TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the
7780 domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
7782 The Enemy of Human Souls
7783 Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
7784 For Hell had been annexed of late,
7785 And was a sovereign Southern State.
7787 "It were no more than right," said he,
7788 "That I should get my fuel free.
7789 The duty, neither just nor wise,
7790 Compels me to economize --
7791 Whereby my broilers, every one,
7792 Are execrably underdone.
7793 What would they have? -- although I yearn
7794 To do them nicely to a turn,
7795 I can't afford an honest heat.
7796 This tariff makes even devils cheat!
7797 I'm ruined, and my humble trade
7798 All rascals may at will invade:
7799 Beneath my nose the public press
7800 Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
7801 The bar ingeniously applies
7802 To my undoing my own lies;
7803 My medicines the doctors use
7804 (Albeit vainly) to refuse
7805 To me my fair and rightful prey
7806 And keep their own in shape to pay;
7807 The preachers by example teach
7808 What, scorning to perform, I teach;
7809 And statesmen, aping me, all make
7810 More promises than they can break.
7811 Against such competition I
7812 Lift up a disregarded cry.
7813 Since all ignore my just complaint,
7814 By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!"
7815 Now, the Republicans, who all
7816 Are saints, began at once to bawl
7817 Against _his_ competition; so
7818 There was a devil of a go!
7819 They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete
7820 In acrimonious debate,
7821 Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
7822 Had hopes of coming by their own.
7823 That evil to avert, in haste
7824 The two belligerents embraced;
7825 But since 'twere wicked to relax
7826 A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
7827 'Twas finally agreed to grant
7828 The bold Insurgent-protestant
7829 A bounty on each soul that fell
7830 Into his ineffectual Hell.
7833 TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
7834 slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words
7835 were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook
7836 upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and
7837 the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted
7838 by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words
7839 did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook,
7840 that being only an inference.
7842 TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many
7843 fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an
7844 authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious
7845 source -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum
7846 Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something
7849 TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally,
7850 sometimes tolerably totally.
7852 TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
7853 advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
7855 TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that
7856 of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us
7857 with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a
7858 bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
7860 TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to
7861 the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand
7862 of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in
7863 politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a
7864 Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to
7867 Of such tenacity his grip
7868 That nothing from his hand can slip.
7869 Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm
7870 In tubs of liquid slippery-elm
7871 In vain -- from his detaining pinch
7872 They cannot struggle half an inch!
7873 'Tis lucky that he so is planned
7874 That breath he draws not with his hand,
7875 For if he did, so great his greed
7876 He'd draw his last with eager speed.
7877 Nay, that were well, you say. Not so
7878 He'd draw but never let it go!
7880 THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion
7881 and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with
7882 the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this
7883 earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough
7884 for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime
7885 does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to
7886 wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection;
7887 and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that
7888 everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection.
7889 Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem
7890 neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and
7891 fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had
7894 TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the
7895 general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity.
7896 Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss
7897 Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as
7898 to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of
7899 ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that
7900 nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory
7901 was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the
7902 conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as
7903 to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation!
7904 It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's
7905 aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what
7906 was known among the ancients as "modesty." The nature of that
7907 sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of
7908 exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The study of lost
7909 arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts
7910 themselves recovered. This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and there
7911 is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its
7912 hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the
7915 TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent
7916 invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long
7917 tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them,
7918 the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be
7919 innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the
7920 soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally
7921 accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has
7922 been greatly dignified.
7924 TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig.
7925 In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping
7926 nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted
7927 against the hard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go down
7928 like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef-
7929 eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two
7930 hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan
7931 race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the
7932 temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the
7933 Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in
7934 every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations
7935 that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too
7936 righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the
7937 canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially
7938 augmented the nation's military power.
7940 TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for
7941 the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:
7945 My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all;
7946 Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.
7948 Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's
7949 To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.
7951 As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.
7952 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.
7954 No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own,
7955 A certain firmness -- mostly you're [sic] backbone.
7957 Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews)
7958 Are virtues that the great know how to use --
7960 I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,
7961 You lack -- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul.
7963 So, to be candid, unreserved and true,
7964 I'd rather you were I than I were you.
7966 Perhaps, however, in a time to be,
7967 When Man's extinct, a better world may see
7969 Your progeny in power and control,
7970 Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.
7972 So I salute you as a reptile grand
7973 Predestined to regenerate the land.
7975 Father of Possibilities, O deign
7976 To accept the homage of a dying reign!
7978 In the far region of the unforeknown
7979 I dream a tortoise upon every throne.
7981 I see an Emperor his head withdraw
7982 Into his carapace for fear of Law;
7984 A King who carries something else than fat,
7985 Howe'er acceptably he carries that;
7987 A President not strenuously bent
7988 On punishment of audible dissent --
7990 Who never shot (it were a vain attack)
7991 An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;
7993 Subject and citizens that feel no need
7994 To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;
7996 All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,
7997 And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.
7999 O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,
8000 My glorious testudinous regime!
8002 I wish in Eden you'd brought this about
8003 By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
8005 TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal
8006 apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear
8007 only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the
8008 tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor
8009 in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit
8010 (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the
8011 public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general
8012 welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no
8013 discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the
8014 lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following
8015 passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries:
8017 While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof
8018 I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in
8019 it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as
8021 "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall
8022 see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye
8024 And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr
8025 tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne.
8026 _Trauvells in ye Easte_
8028 TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the
8029 blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to
8030 effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person
8031 of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If
8032 the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo
8033 such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable
8034 sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the
8035 accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval
8036 times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A
8037 beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly
8038 arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public
8039 executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards
8040 were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after
8041 testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _in
8042 contumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court,
8043 where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a
8044 street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the
8045 viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and
8046 punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake,
8047 but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates
8048 from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks,
8049 dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their
8050 conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches
8051 infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne,
8052 instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some
8053 of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This
8054 was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to
8055 leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of
8056 incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this
8057 _cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved
8058 the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable
8061 TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.
8062 Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian
8063 physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as
8064 trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need and
8065 immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork
8067 "Pork?" shrieked the patient -- "pork? Nothing shall induce me to
8069 "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked.
8071 "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you."
8073 TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches,
8074 three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate
8075 deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not
8076 dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually
8077 their clames to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the
8078 most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because
8079 it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of
8080 theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not
8081 understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that
8082 contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the
8083 former as a part of the latter.
8085 TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic
8086 period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of
8087 troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony
8088 consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was
8089 in debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all the
8090 Socialists of Judah.
8092 TRUCE, n. Friendship.
8094 TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.
8095 Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the
8096 most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of
8097 existing with increasing activity to the end of time.
8099 TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.
8101 TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in
8102 greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in
8103 the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors
8106 TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious
8107 anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and
8108 gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.
8110 TWICE, adv. Once too often.
8112 TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying
8113 civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this
8114 incomparable dictionary.
8116 TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_)
8117 whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy
8118 for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American
8119 novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_).
8125 UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time,
8126 but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an
8127 attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important
8128 distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the
8129 mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain
8130 Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were
8131 known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned,
8132 for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that
8133 sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In
8134 recent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by
8135 Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two
8136 places at once unless he is a bird.
8138 UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue
8141 ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to
8143 Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry
8145 "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk
8146 to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable
8147 soldiers have we in arms?"
8148 "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining
8149 his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!"
8150 "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts
8151 of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious
8153 "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they
8154 are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars
8156 For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial
8157 Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was
8158 calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the
8159 die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he
8160 advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned."
8162 UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
8164 UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction
8165 consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of
8166 the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite
8167 had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was
8168 discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other
8169 could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger:
8170 "Then I'll be damned if I die!"
8171 "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear."
8173 UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to
8174 know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and
8175 laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and
8176 Kant, who lived in a horse.
8178 His understanding was so keen
8179 That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen,
8180 He could interpret without fail
8181 If he was in or out of jail.
8182 He wrote at Inspiration's call
8183 Deep disquisitions on them all,
8184 Then, pent at last in an asylum,
8185 Performed the service to compile 'em.
8186 So great a writer, all men swore,
8187 They never had not read before.
8190 UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
8192 UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons
8195 URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to
8196 dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is
8197 heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with
8198 disregard of the rights of others.
8200 The owner of a powder mill
8201 Was musing on a distant hill --
8202 Something his mind foreboded --
8203 When from the cloudless sky there fell
8204 A deviled human kidney! Well,
8205 The man's mill had exploded.
8206 His hat he lifted from his head;
8207 "I beg your pardon, sir," he said;
8208 "I didn't know 'twas loaded."
8211 USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and
8212 Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent
8213 reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to
8214 produce books that will live as long as the fashion.
8216 UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own
8223 VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's
8225 "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and
8226 Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once."
8227 "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am
8228 persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring
8229 them into collision with the enemy."
8231 VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.
8233 They say that hens do cackle loudest when
8234 There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid;
8235 And there are hens, professing to have made
8236 A study of mankind, who say that men
8237 Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen
8238 Make the most clamorous fanfaronade
8239 O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid
8240 They're not entirely different from the hen.
8241 Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,
8242 His blazing breeches and high-towering cap --
8243 Imperiously pompous, grandly bold,
8244 Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!
8245 Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue
8246 Is that in battle he will never hurt you?
8249 VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions.
8251 VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as
8252 suffer from an impediment in their wit.
8254 VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a
8255 fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
8261 W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only
8262 cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This
8263 advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued
8264 after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like
8265 _epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other
8266 agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been
8267 concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise
8268 of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that
8269 by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our
8270 civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured.
8272 WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That
8273 Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every
8274 unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and
8275 good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.
8277 Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call
8278 To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!"
8279 Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail;
8280 Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail,
8281 Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
8282 Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume:
8283 Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray --
8284 Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away!
8285 While still you're possessed of a single baubee
8286 (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me)
8287 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance
8288 Lest its value decline ere your credit advance.
8289 For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea,
8290 Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!
8293 WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing
8294 political condition is a period of international amity. The student
8295 of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly
8296 boast himself inaccessible to the light. "In time of peace prepare
8297 for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means,
8298 not merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is the
8299 one immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thickly
8300 sown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination
8301 and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure
8302 dome" -- when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in
8306 Ancestral voices prophesying war.
8308 One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of
8309 men, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us
8310 have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of
8311 that elemental distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to
8312 come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide
8315 WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of
8316 governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to
8317 him it should be said that he did not want to.
8319 They took away his vote and gave instead
8320 The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread.
8321 In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul,
8322 To come again and part him from his roll.
8325 WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she
8326 holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the
8327 service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.
8329 WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of
8330 conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have
8331 inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal
8332 ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather
8333 bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments
8334 are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.
8336 Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see,
8337 And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be --
8338 Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth,
8339 With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth.
8340 While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incadescent youth,
8341 From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth.
8342 He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote
8343 On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote --
8344 For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow:
8345 "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow."
8348 WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one,
8349 one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become
8352 WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All
8353 werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to
8354 gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as
8355 humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh.
8356 Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it
8357 to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was
8358 there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told
8359 them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its
8360 human for during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the
8361 good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning
8362 you will find a Lutheran."
8364 WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected
8365 affliction that strikes hard.
8367 Should you ask me whence this laughter,
8368 Whence this audible big-smiling,
8369 With its labial extension,
8370 With its maxillar distortion
8371 And its diaphragmic rhythmus
8372 Like the billowing of an ocean,
8373 Like the shaking of a carpet,
8374 I should answer, I should tell you:
8375 From the great deeps of the spirit,
8376 From the unplummeted abysmus
8377 Of the soul this laughter welleth
8378 As the fountain, the gug-guggle,
8379 Like the river from the canon [sic],
8380 To entoken and give warning
8381 That my present mood is sunny.
8382 Should you ask me further question --
8383 Why the great deeps of the spirit,
8384 Why the unplummeted abysmus
8385 Of the soule extrudes this laughter,
8386 This all audible big-smiling,
8387 I should answer, I should tell you
8388 With a white heart, tumpitumpy,
8389 With a true tongue, honest Injun:
8390 William Bryan, he has Caught It,
8391 Caught the Whangdepootenawah!
8393 Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank,
8394 Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep,
8395 Standing silent in the kneedeep
8396 With his wing-tips crossed behind him
8397 And his neck close-reefed before him,
8398 With his bill, his william, buried
8399 In the down upon his bosom,
8400 With his head retracted inly,
8401 While his shoulders overlook it?
8402 Does the sandhill crane, the shankank,
8403 Shiver grayly in the north wind,
8404 Wishing he had died when little,
8405 As the sparrow, the chipchip, does?
8406 No 'tis not the Shankank standing,
8407 Standing in the gray and dismal
8408 Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep.
8409 No, 'tis peerless William Bryan
8410 Realizing that he's Caught It,
8411 Caught the Whangdepootenawah!
8413 WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some
8414 difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are
8415 said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other
8416 people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff
8419 WHITE, adj. and n. Black.
8421 WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to
8422 take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one
8423 of the most marked features of his character.
8425 WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union
8426 as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift
8429 WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his
8430 intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
8432 WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league
8433 with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in
8434 wickedness a league beyond the devil.
8436 WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom
8437 noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke."
8441 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a
8442 rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by
8443 many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility
8444 acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the
8445 postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion,
8446 deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld,
8447 it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all
8448 beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from
8449 Greeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular
8450 name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind.
8451 The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the
8452 American variety (_felis pugnans_), is omnivorous and can be
8456 WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw
8457 material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the
8458 Granitarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that
8459 houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work
8460 in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for
8461 himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by
8462 contrast the foreknown futility.
8464 Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show!
8465 How profitless the labor you bestow
8466 Upon a dwelling whose magnificence
8467 The tenant neither can admire nor know.
8469 Build deep, build high, build massive as you can,
8470 The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan
8471 By shouldering asunder all the stones
8472 In what to you would be a moment's span.
8474 Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies
8475 That when your marble is all dust, arise,
8476 If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn --
8477 You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes.
8479 What though of all man's works your tomb alone
8480 Should stand till Time himself be overthrown?
8481 Would it advantage you to dwell therein
8482 Forever as a stain upon a stone?
8485 WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and
8486 fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an
8489 WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to
8490 exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God,"
8491 "the day of wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was
8492 deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for
8493 its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The Greeks
8494 before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the
8495 frying-pan of the wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath of
8496 Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor
8497 roasted. A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurred
8498 the wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom
8499 paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of
8500 the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster.
8506 X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility
8507 to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will
8508 doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten
8509 dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not,
8510 as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the
8511 corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name
8512 -- _Xristos_. If it represented a cross it would stand for St.
8513 Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra of
8514 psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are
8515 Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary.
8521 YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our
8522 Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown.
8525 YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
8527 YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire
8530 But yesterday I should have thought me blest
8531 To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak
8532 Of middle life and look adown the bleak
8533 And unfamiliar foreslope to the West,
8534 Where solemn shadows all the land invest
8535 And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak
8536 Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak
8537 The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest.
8538 Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame
8539 To stay the shadow on the dial's face
8540 At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name
8541 I chide aloud the little interspace
8542 Disparting me from Certitude, and fain
8543 Would know the dream and vision ne'er again.
8546 It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was
8547 attended at different times by seven doctors.
8549 YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we owe
8550 one of the most illuminating words in our language -- a word that
8551 defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy.
8552 A thousand apologies for withholding it.
8554 YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum,
8555 Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of
8556 endowing a living Homer.
8558 Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth
8559 again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with
8560 whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and
8561 clows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice never
8562 is heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and,
8563 howling, is cast into Baltimost!
8570 ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with
8571 ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the
8572 ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters
8573 of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as
8574 we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an
8575 example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another
8576 excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the
8577 rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the
8580 ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the
8581 eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best
8582 known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that
8583 occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied
8584 a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to
8585 the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated
8586 remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city
8587 persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down
8588 to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair
8589 of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge
8590 of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person.
8591 Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two great
8592 nations, she was the Sultana.
8594 ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and
8595 inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
8597 When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward
8598 He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!"
8599 "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down.
8600 "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown."
8603 ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man
8604 standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot
8605 is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the
8606 matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some
8607 holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were
8608 called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The
8609 Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the
8610 philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an
8611 assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a
8612 severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to
8613 determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the
8614 heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the
8615 Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever
8616 opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its
8617 place among _fides defuncti_.
8619 ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter
8620 and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers
8621 who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to
8622 have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought
8623 that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his
8624 monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives
8625 are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he
8626 worships under many sacred names.
8628 ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one
8629 carrying the white man's burden. (From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, an
8630 Icelandic word of unknown meaning.)
8632 He zedjagged so uncomen wyde
8633 Thet non coude pas on eyder syde;
8634 So, to com saufly thruh, I been
8635 Constreynet for to doodge betwene.
8638 ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including
8639 its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_). The father of Zoology
8640 was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother
8641 has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious
8642 expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we
8643 learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated
8644 Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years.
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