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41b51d7a | 1 | |
2 | ||
3 | The Internet Wiretap 1st Online Edition of | |
4 | ||
5 | ||
6 | THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY | |
7 | ||
8 | by | |
9 | ||
10 | AMBROSE BIERCE | |
11 | ||
12 | ||
13 | Copyright 1911 by Albert and Charles Boni, Inc. | |
14 | A Public Domain Text, Copyright Expired | |
15 | ||
16 | Released April 15 1993 | |
17 | ||
18 | Entered by Aloysius of &tSftDotIotE | |
19 | aloysius@west.darkside.com | |
20 | ||
21 | ||
22 | ||
23 | PREFACE | |
24 | ||
25 | _The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was | |
26 | continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that | |
27 | year a large part of it was published in covers with the title _The | |
28 | Cynic's Word Book_, a name which the author had not the power to | |
29 | reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the | |
30 | present work: | |
31 | "This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by | |
32 | the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the | |
33 | work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out | |
34 | in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a | |
35 | score of 'cynic' books -- _The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and | |
36 | _The Cynic's t'Other_. Most of these books were merely stupid, though | |
37 | some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they | |
38 | brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing | |
39 | it was discredited in advance of publication." | |
40 | Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country | |
41 | had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, | |
42 | and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had | |
43 | become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is | |
44 | made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial | |
45 | of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely | |
46 | resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to | |
47 | whom the work is addressed -- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines | |
48 | to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. | |
49 | A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book | |
50 | is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of | |
51 | whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, | |
52 | S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly | |
53 | encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly | |
54 | indebted. | |
55 | A.B. | |
56 | ||
57 | ||
58 | ||
59 | ||
60 | A | |
61 | ||
62 | ||
63 | ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence | |
64 | of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when | |
65 | addressing an employer. | |
66 | ||
67 | ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside | |
68 | from molesting the rubbish inside. | |
69 | ||
70 | ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the | |
71 | high temperature of the throne. | |
72 | ||
73 | Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication | |
74 | Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. | |
75 | For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: | |
76 | She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. | |
77 | To History she'll be no royal riddle -- | |
78 | Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. | |
79 | G.J. | |
80 | ||
81 | ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with | |
82 | sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient | |
83 | faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at | |
84 | the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence | |
85 | for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a | |
86 | free hand in the world's marketing the race would become | |
87 | graminivorous. | |
88 | ||
89 | ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of | |
90 | the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the | |
91 | last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high | |
92 | degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is | |
93 | rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn. | |
94 | ||
95 | ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and | |
96 | conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be | |
97 | detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the | |
98 | straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. | |
99 | Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and | |
100 | the hope of Hell. | |
101 | ||
102 | ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a | |
103 | newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. | |
104 | ||
105 | ABRACADABRA. | |
106 | ||
107 | By _Abracadabra_ we signify | |
108 | An infinite number of things. | |
109 | 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? | |
110 | And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby | |
111 | The Truth (with the comfort it brings) | |
112 | Is open to all who grope in night, | |
113 | Crying for Wisdom's holy light. | |
114 | ||
115 | Whether the word is a verb or a noun | |
116 | Is knowledge beyond my reach. | |
117 | I only know that 'tis handed down. | |
118 | From sage to sage, | |
119 | From age to age -- | |
120 | An immortal part of speech! | |
121 | ||
122 | Of an ancient man the tale is told | |
123 | That he lived to be ten centuries old, | |
124 | In a cave on a mountain side. | |
125 | (True, he finally died.) | |
126 | The fame of his wisdom filled the land, | |
127 | For his head was bald, and you'll understand | |
128 | His beard was long and white | |
129 | And his eyes uncommonly bright. | |
130 | ||
131 | Philosophers gathered from far and near | |
132 | To sit at his feat and hear and hear, | |
133 | Though he never was heard | |
134 | To utter a word | |
135 | But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_, | |
136 | _Abracada, abracad_, | |
137 | _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" | |
138 | 'Twas all he had, | |
139 | 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each | |
140 | Made copious notes of the mystical speech, | |
141 | Which they published next -- | |
142 | A trickle of text | |
143 | In the meadow of commentary. | |
144 | Mighty big books were these, | |
145 | In a number, as leaves of trees; | |
146 | In learning, remarkably -- very! | |
147 | ||
148 | He's dead, | |
149 | As I said, | |
150 | And the books of the sages have perished, | |
151 | But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. | |
152 | In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, | |
153 | Like an ancient bell that forever swings. | |
154 | O, I love to hear | |
155 | That word make clear | |
156 | Humanity's General Sense of Things. | |
157 | Jamrach Holobom | |
158 | ||
159 | ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. | |
160 | ||
161 | When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for | |
162 | people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of | |
163 | mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel | |
164 | them to the separation. | |
165 | Oliver Cromwell | |
166 | ||
167 | ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- | |
168 | shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most | |
169 | affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another | |
170 | author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." | |
171 | ||
172 | ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the | |
173 | property of another. | |
174 | ||
175 | Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; | |
176 | The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. | |
177 | Phela Orm | |
178 | ||
179 | ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; | |
180 | hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection | |
181 | of another. | |
182 | ||
183 | To men a man is but a mind. Who cares | |
184 | What face he carries or what form he wears? | |
185 | But woman's body is the woman. O, | |
186 | Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, | |
187 | But heed the warning words the sage hath said: | |
188 | A woman absent is a woman dead. | |
189 | Jogo Tyree | |
190 | ||
191 | ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to | |
192 | remove himself from the sphere of exaction. | |
193 | ||
194 | ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is | |
195 | one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases | |
196 | the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them | |
197 | having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's | |
198 | power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, | |
199 | which are governed by chance. | |
200 | ||
201 | ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying | |
202 | himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from | |
203 | everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the | |
204 | affairs of others. | |
205 | ||
206 | Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought | |
207 | You a total abstainer, my son." | |
208 | "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught -- | |
209 | "But not, sir, a bigoted one." | |
210 | G.J. | |
211 | ||
212 | ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with | |
213 | one's own opinion. | |
214 | ||
215 | ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were | |
216 | taught. | |
217 | ||
218 | ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is | |
219 | taught. | |
220 | ||
221 | ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable | |
222 | natural laws. | |
223 | ||
224 | ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty | |
225 | knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, | |
226 | knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the | |
227 | matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one | |
228 | having offered them a fee for assenting. | |
229 | ||
230 | ACCORD, n. Harmony. | |
231 | ||
232 | ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an | |
233 | assassin. | |
234 | ||
235 | ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. | |
236 | ||
237 | "My accountability, bear in mind," | |
238 | Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," | |
239 | Said the Shah: "I do -- 'tis the only kind | |
240 | Of ability you possess." | |
241 | Joram Tate | |
242 | ||
243 | ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a | |
244 | justification of ourselves for having wronged him. | |
245 | ||
246 | ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who | |
247 | absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar | |
248 | had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de | |
249 | Joinville. | |
250 | ||
251 | ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. | |
252 | ||
253 | ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's | |
254 | faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. | |
255 | ||
256 | ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, | |
257 | but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight | |
258 | when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or | |
259 | famous. | |
260 | ||
261 | ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. | |
262 | ||
263 | ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. | |
264 | ||
265 | ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in | |
266 | solicitate of gold. | |
267 | ||
268 | ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding | |
269 | funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. | |
270 | ||
271 | ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects | |
272 | to get. | |
273 | ||
274 | ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to | |
275 | receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of | |
276 | straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. | |
277 | ||
278 | ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the | |
279 | figure-head does the thinking. | |
280 | ||
281 | ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to | |
282 | ourselves. | |
283 | ||
284 | ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. | |
285 | ||
286 | Consigned by way of admonition, | |
287 | His soul forever to perdition. | |
288 | Judibras | |
289 | ||
290 | ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly. | |
291 | ||
292 | ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. | |
293 | ||
294 | "The man was in such deep distress," | |
295 | Said Tom, "that I could do no less | |
296 | Than give him good advice." Said Jim: | |
297 | "If less could have been done for him | |
298 | I know you well enough, my son, | |
299 | To know that's what you would have done." | |
300 | Jebel Jocordy | |
301 | ||
302 | AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. | |
303 | ||
304 | AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for | |
305 | another and bitter world. | |
306 | ||
307 | AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way. | |
308 | ||
309 | AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that | |
310 | we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the | |
311 | enterprise to commit. | |
312 | ||
313 | AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors | |
314 | -- to dislodge the worms. | |
315 | ||
316 | AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to. | |
317 | ||
318 | "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" | |
319 | She tenderly inquired. | |
320 | "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; | |
321 | The fact is -- I have fired." | |
322 | G.J. | |
323 | ||
324 | AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for | |
325 | the fattening of the poor. | |
326 | ||
327 | ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving | |
328 | with a pretence of open marauding. | |
329 | ||
330 | ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. | |
331 | ||
332 | ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the | |
333 | Christian, Jewish, and so forth. | |
334 | ||
335 | Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, | |
336 | And ever for the sins of man have wept; | |
337 | And sometimes kneeling in the temple I | |
338 | Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. | |
339 | Junker Barlow | |
340 | ||
341 | ALLEGIANCE, n. | |
342 | ||
343 | This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, | |
344 | Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, | |
345 | Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed | |
346 | To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. | |
347 | G.J. | |
348 | ||
349 | ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who | |
350 | have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they | |
351 | cannot separately plunder a third. | |
352 | ||
353 | ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to | |
354 | the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus | |
355 | says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces | |
356 | crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the | |
357 | other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a | |
358 | sawrian. | |
359 | ||
360 | ALONE, adj. In bad company. | |
361 | ||
362 | In contact, lo! the flint and steel, | |
363 | By spark and flame, the thought reveal | |
364 | That he the metal, she the stone, | |
365 | Had cherished secretly alone. | |
366 | Booley Fito | |
367 | ||
368 | ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the | |
369 | small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination | |
370 | and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, | |
371 | except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a | |
372 | male and a female tool. | |
373 | ||
374 | They stood before the altar and supplied | |
375 | The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. | |
376 | In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim | |
377 | An offering burnt with an unholy flame. | |
378 | M.P. Nopput | |
379 | ||
380 | AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket | |
381 | or a left. | |
382 | ||
383 | AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while | |
384 | living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. | |
385 | ||
386 | AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would | |
387 | be too expensive to punish. | |
388 | ||
389 | ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already | |
390 | sufficiently slippery. | |
391 | ||
392 | As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, | |
393 | So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. | |
394 | Judibras | |
395 | ||
396 | ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. | |
397 | ||
398 | APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. | |
399 | ||
400 | The flabby wine-skin of his brain | |
401 | Yields to some pathologic strain, | |
402 | And voids from its unstored abysm | |
403 | The driblet of an aphorism. | |
404 | "The Mad Philosopher," 1697 | |
405 | ||
406 | APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. | |
407 | ||
408 | APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle | |
409 | only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient | |
410 | to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. | |
411 | ||
412 | APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor | |
413 | and grave worm's provider. | |
414 | ||
415 | When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, | |
416 | And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, | |
417 | That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth | |
418 | Disease for the apothecary's health, | |
419 | Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: | |
420 | "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" | |
421 | G.J. | |
422 | ||
423 | APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. | |
424 | ||
425 | APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a | |
426 | solution to the labor question. | |
427 | ||
428 | APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. | |
429 | ||
430 | APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. | |
431 | ||
432 | ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a | |
433 | bishop. | |
434 | ||
435 | If I were a jolly archbishop, | |
436 | On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- | |
437 | Salmon and flounders and smelts; | |
438 | On other days everything else. | |
439 | Jodo Rem | |
440 | ||
441 | ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft | |
442 | of your money. | |
443 | ||
444 | ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. | |
445 | ||
446 | ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman | |
447 | wrestles with his record. | |
448 | ||
449 | ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word | |
450 | is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy | |
451 | hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank | |
452 | accounts. | |
453 | ||
454 | ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a | |
455 | blacksmith. | |
456 | ||
457 | ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter | |
458 | hanged to a lamppost. | |
459 | ||
460 | ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. | |
461 | ||
462 | God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. | |
463 | _The Unauthorized Version_ | |
464 | ||
465 | ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom | |
466 | it greatly affects in turn. | |
467 | ||
468 | "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," | |
469 | Consenting, he did speak up; | |
470 | "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, | |
471 | Than put it in my teacup." | |
472 | Joel Huck | |
473 | ||
474 | ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as | |
475 | follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. | |
476 | ||
477 | One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- | |
478 | Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, | |
479 | And said it was a god's name! Straight arose | |
480 | Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, | |
481 | And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, | |
482 | And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) | |
483 | To serve his temple and maintain the fires, | |
484 | Expound the law, manipulate the wires. | |
485 | Amazed, the populace that rites attend, | |
486 | Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, | |
487 | And, inly edified to learn that two | |
488 | Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) | |
489 | Have sweeter values and a grace more fit | |
490 | Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, | |
491 | Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, | |
492 | And sell their garments to support the priests. | |
493 | ||
494 | ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by | |
495 | long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased | |
496 | to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. | |
497 | ||
498 | ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which | |
499 | one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. | |
500 | ||
501 | ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia | |
502 | City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, | |
503 | and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously | |
504 | celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and | |
505 | country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this | |
506 | noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. | |
507 | II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a | |
508 | god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we | |
509 | may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two | |
510 | animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of | |
511 | men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers | |
512 | the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written | |
513 | about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and | |
514 | magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which | |
515 | clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all | |
516 | literature is more or less Asinine. | |
517 | ||
518 | "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; | |
519 | "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" | |
520 | Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: | |
521 | God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!" | |
522 | G.J. | |
523 | ||
524 | AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked | |
525 | a pocket with his tongue. | |
526 | ||
527 | AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and | |
528 | commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate | |
529 | dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an | |
530 | island. | |
531 | ||
532 | AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal | |
533 | regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by | |
534 | a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have | |
535 | suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, | |
536 | has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. | |
537 | ||
538 | _Facilis descensus Averni,_ | |
539 | The poet remarks; and the sense | |
540 | Of it is that when down-hill I turn I | |
541 | Will get more of punches than pence. | |
542 | Jehal Dai Lupe | |
543 | ||
544 | ||
545 | B | |
546 | ||
547 | ||
548 | BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. | |
549 | As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had | |
550 | the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous | |
551 | account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his | |
552 | glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word | |
553 | "babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As | |
554 | Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays | |
555 | on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, | |
556 | and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the | |
557 | priests of Guttledom. | |
558 | ||
559 | BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or | |
560 | condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and | |
561 | antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. | |
562 | There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose | |
563 | adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries | |
564 | before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being | |
565 | preserved on a floating lotus leaf. | |
566 | ||
567 | Ere babes were invented | |
568 | The girls were contended. | |
569 | Now man is tormented | |
570 | Until to buy babes he has squandered | |
571 | His money. And so I have pondered | |
572 | This thing, and thought may be | |
573 | 'T were better that Baby | |
574 | The First had been eagled or condored. | |
575 | Ro Amil | |
576 | ||
577 | BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse | |
578 | for getting drunk. | |
579 | ||
580 | Is public worship, then, a sin, | |
581 | That for devotions paid to Bacchus | |
582 | The lictors dare to run us in, | |
583 | And resolutely thump and whack us? | |
584 | Jorace | |
585 | ||
586 | BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to | |
587 | contemplate in your adversity. | |
588 | ||
589 | BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find | |
590 | you. | |
591 | ||
592 | BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The | |
593 | best kind is beauty. | |
594 | ||
595 | BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself | |
596 | in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is | |
597 | performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by | |
598 | aspersion, or sprinkling. | |
599 | ||
600 | But whether the plan of immersion | |
601 | Is better than simple aspersion | |
602 | Let those immersed | |
603 | And those aspersed | |
604 | Decide by the Authorized Version, | |
605 | And by matching their agues tertian. | |
606 | G.J. | |
607 | ||
608 | BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of | |
609 | weather we are having. | |
610 | ||
611 | BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of | |
612 | which it is their business to deprive others. | |
613 | ||
614 | BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched form the egg | |
615 | of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. | |
616 | Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator | |
617 | saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment | |
618 | for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno | |
619 | afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing | |
620 | is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, | |
621 | but the cocks have stopped laying. | |
622 | ||
623 | BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. | |
624 | ||
625 | BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, | |
626 | with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. | |
627 | ||
628 | The man who taketh a steam bath | |
629 | He loseth all the skin he hath, | |
630 | And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, | |
631 | Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, | |
632 | Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling | |
633 | With dirty vapors of the boiling. | |
634 | Richard Gwow | |
635 | ||
636 | BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot | |
637 | that would not yield to the tongue. | |
638 | ||
639 | BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly | |
640 | execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. | |
641 | ||
642 | BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a | |
643 | husband. | |
644 | ||
645 | BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. | |
646 | ||
647 | BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the | |
648 | belief that it will not be given. | |
649 | ||
650 | Who is that, father? | |
651 | ||
652 | A mendicant, child, | |
653 | Haggard, morose, and unaffable -- wild! | |
654 | See how he glares through the bars of his cell! | |
655 | With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. | |
656 | ||
657 | Why did they put him there, father? | |
658 | ||
659 | Because | |
660 | Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. | |
661 | ||
662 | His belly? | |
663 | ||
664 | Oh, well, he was starving, my boy -- | |
665 | A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. | |
666 | No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry | |
667 | Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" | |
668 | ||
669 | What's the matter with pie? | |
670 | ||
671 | With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; | |
672 | To beg was unlawful -- improper as well. | |
673 | ||
674 | Why didn't he work? | |
675 | ||
676 | He would even have done that, | |
677 | But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" | |
678 | I mention these incidents merely to show | |
679 | That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. | |
680 | Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, | |
681 | But for trifles -- | |
682 | ||
683 | Pray what did bad Mendicant do? | |
684 | ||
685 | Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack | |
686 | And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. | |
687 | ||
688 | Is that _all_ father dear? | |
689 | ||
690 | There's little to tell: | |
691 | They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -- well, | |
692 | The company's better than here we can boast, | |
693 | And there's -- | |
694 | ||
695 | Bread for the needy, dear father? | |
696 | ||
697 | Um -- toast. | |
698 | Atka Mip | |
699 | ||
700 | BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. | |
701 | ||
702 | BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by | |
703 | breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach | |
704 | Holobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_: | |
705 | ||
706 | Recordare, Jesu pie, | |
707 | Quod sum causa tuae viae. | |
708 | Ne me perdas illa die. | |
709 | ||
710 | Pray remember, sacred Savior, | |
711 | Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your | |
712 | Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. | |
713 | ||
714 | BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly | |
715 | poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two | |
716 | tongues. | |
717 | ||
718 | BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars. | |
719 | ||
720 | She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be | |
721 | A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. | |
722 | "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she -- | |
723 | "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." | |
724 | "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) | |
725 | ||
726 | BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, | |
727 | however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the | |
728 | means of all. | |
729 | ||
730 | BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor | |
731 | of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. | |
732 | ||
733 | Her locks an ancient lady gave | |
734 | Her loving husband's life to save; | |
735 | And men -- they honored so the dame -- | |
736 | Upon some stars bestowed her name. | |
737 | ||
738 | But to our modern married fair, | |
739 | Who'd give their lords to save their hair, | |
740 | No stellar recognition's given. | |
741 | There are not stars enough in heaven. | |
742 | G.J. | |
743 | ||
744 | BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will | |
745 | adjudge a punishment called trigamy. | |
746 | ||
747 | BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion | |
748 | that you do not entertain. | |
749 | ||
750 | BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent. | |
751 | ||
752 | BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of | |
753 | it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born | |
754 | from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block | |
755 | of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he | |
756 | grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It | |
757 | is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a | |
758 | stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount | |
759 | Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. | |
760 | ||
761 | BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box | |
762 | of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on | |
763 | the wrong side. An inverted gentleman. | |
764 | ||
765 | BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult | |
766 | kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much | |
767 | affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind. | |
768 | ||
769 | BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the | |
770 | young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied | |
771 | the undertaker. The hyena. | |
772 | ||
773 | "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, | |
774 | I and my comrades, four in all, | |
775 | When visiting a graveyard stood | |
776 | Within the shadow of a wall. | |
777 | ||
778 | "While waiting for the moon to sink | |
779 | We saw a wild hyena slink | |
780 | About a new-made grave, and then | |
781 | Begin to excavate its brink! | |
782 | ||
783 | "Shocked by the horrid act, we made | |
784 | A sally from our ambuscade, | |
785 | And, falling on the unholy beast, | |
786 | Dispatched him with a pick and spade." | |
787 | Bettel K. Jhones | |
788 | ||
789 | BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to | |
790 | become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. | |
791 | Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a | |
792 | dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would | |
793 | be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give | |
794 | you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" | |
795 | inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in | |
796 | gold." | |
797 | ||
798 | BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. | |
799 | ||
800 | BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to | |
801 | eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, | |
802 | which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill- | |
803 | smelling. | |
804 | ||
805 | BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker. | |
806 | ||
807 | BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two | |
808 | nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary | |
809 | rights of the other. | |
810 | ||
811 | BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who | |
812 | has nothing to get all that he can. | |
813 | ||
814 | A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects | |
815 | every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal | |
816 | instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His | |
817 | creatures. | |
818 | Henry Ward Beecher | |
819 | ||
820 | BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu | |
821 | and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is | |
822 | found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, | |
823 | for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by | |
824 | Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy | |
825 | and learned men who are never naughty. | |
826 | ||
827 | O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, | |
828 | First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, | |
829 | You sit there so calm and securely, | |
830 | With feet folded up so demurely -- | |
831 | You're the First Person Singular, surely. | |
832 | Polydore Smith | |
833 | ||
834 | BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which | |
835 | distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man | |
836 | who wishes to _do_ something. A man of great wealth, or one who has | |
837 | been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of | |
838 | brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our | |
839 | civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so | |
840 | highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of | |
841 | office. | |
842 | ||
843 | BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one | |
844 | part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the- | |
845 | grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. | |
846 | Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero | |
847 | will venture to drink it. | |
848 | ||
849 | BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. | |
850 | ||
851 | BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND. | |
852 | ||
853 | ||
854 | C | |
855 | ||
856 | ||
857 | CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the | |
858 | patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps | |
859 | asked the archangel for bread. | |
860 | ||
861 | CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and | |
862 | wise as a man's head. | |
863 | The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending | |
864 | the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire | |
865 | consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the | |
866 | cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of | |
867 | state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that | |
868 | several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his | |
869 | murmuring subjects were appeased. | |
870 | ||
871 | CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder | |
872 | that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities | |
873 | are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to | |
874 | others. | |
875 | ||
876 | CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils | |
877 | afflicting another. | |
878 | When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was | |
879 | observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you | |
880 | weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great | |
881 | Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." | |
882 | ||
883 | CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. | |
884 | ||
885 | CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to | |
886 | the show business. There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper | |
887 | and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. | |
888 | ||
889 | CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple | |
890 | tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. | |
891 | ||
892 | CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national | |
893 | boundaries. | |
894 | ||
895 | CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven. | |
896 | ||
897 | CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, | |
898 | the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the | |
899 | anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the | |
900 | disgrace before meat. _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the | |
901 | justice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all | |
902 | the assassins -- entertain grave misgivings. | |
903 | ||
904 | CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. | |
905 | ||
906 | As Death was a-rising out one day, | |
907 | Across Mount Camel he took his way, | |
908 | Where he met a mendicant monk, | |
909 | Some three or four quarters drunk, | |
910 | With a holy leer and a pious grin, | |
911 | Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, | |
912 | Who held out his hands and cried: | |
913 | "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. | |
914 | Give in the name of the Church. O give, | |
915 | Give that her holy sons may live!" | |
916 | And Death replied, | |
917 | Smiling long and wide: | |
918 | "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee -- a ride." | |
919 | ||
920 | With a rattle and bang | |
921 | Of his bones, he sprang | |
922 | From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; | |
923 | By the neck and the foot | |
924 | Seized the fellow, and put | |
925 | Him astride with his face to the rear. | |
926 | ||
927 | The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell | |
928 | Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: | |
929 | "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say, | |
930 | Will ride to the devil!" -- and _thump_ | |
931 | Fell the flat of his dart on the rump | |
932 | Of the charger, which galloped away. | |
933 | ||
934 | Faster and faster and faster it flew, | |
935 | Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew | |
936 | By the road were dim and blended and blue | |
937 | To the wild, wild eyes | |
938 | Of the rider -- in size | |
939 | Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. | |
940 | Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh | |
941 | At a burial service spoiled, | |
942 | And the mourners' intentions foiled | |
943 | By the body erecting | |
944 | Its head and objecting | |
945 | To further proceedings in its behalf. | |
946 | ||
947 | Many a year and many a day | |
948 | Have passed since these events away. | |
949 | The monk has long been a dusty corse, | |
950 | And Death has never recovered his horse. | |
951 | For the friar got hold of its tail, | |
952 | And steered it within the pale | |
953 | Of the monastery gray, | |
954 | Where the beast was stabled and fed | |
955 | With barley and oil and bread | |
956 | Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, | |
957 | And so in due course was appointed Prior. | |
958 | G.J. | |
959 | ||
960 | CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous | |
961 | vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. | |
962 | ||
963 | CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author | |
964 | of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased | |
965 | to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum | |
966 | might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ -- | |
967 | "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an | |
968 | approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. | |
969 | ||
970 | CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be | |
971 | kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. | |
972 | ||
973 | This is a dog, | |
974 | This is a cat. | |
975 | This is a frog, | |
976 | This is a rat. | |
977 | Run, dog, mew, cat. | |
978 | Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. | |
979 | Elevenson | |
980 | ||
981 | CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work. | |
982 | ||
983 | CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, | |
984 | poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The | |
985 | inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained | |
986 | in these Olympian games: | |
987 | ||
988 | His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to | |
989 | overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives | |
990 | they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here | |
991 | commemorated by his family, who shared them. | |
992 | ||
993 | In the earth we here prepare a | |
994 | Place to lay our little Clara. | |
995 | Thomas M. and Mary Frazer | |
996 | P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her. | |
997 | ||
998 | CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of | |
999 | labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who | |
1000 | followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The | |
1001 | best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse | |
1002 | added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John | |
1003 | the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat | |
1004 | sophisticated sacred history. | |
1005 | ||
1006 | CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the | |
1007 | entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, | |
1008 | sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the | |
1009 | entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the | |
1010 | poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor | |
1011 | Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give | |
1012 | his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes | |
1013 | the number twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely | |
1014 | conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, | |
1015 | and (b) something about arithmetic. | |
1016 | ||
1017 | CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the | |
1018 | idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin | |
1019 | of manhood and three from the remorse of age. | |
1020 | ||
1021 | CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely | |
1022 | inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. | |
1023 | One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not | |
1024 | inconsistent with a life of sin. | |
1025 | ||
1026 | I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! | |
1027 | The godly multitudes walked to and fro | |
1028 | Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, | |
1029 | With pious mien, appropriately sad, | |
1030 | While all the church bells made a solemn din -- | |
1031 | A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. | |
1032 | Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, | |
1033 | With tranquil face, upon that holy show | |
1034 | A tall, spare figure in a robe of white, | |
1035 | Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. | |
1036 | "God keep you, strange," I exclaimed. "You are | |
1037 | No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; | |
1038 | And yet I entertain the hope that you, | |
1039 | Like these good people, are a Christian too." | |
1040 | He raised his eyes and with a look so stern | |
1041 | It made me with a thousand blushes burn | |
1042 | Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced: | |
1043 | "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." | |
1044 | G.J. | |
1045 | ||
1046 | CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted | |
1047 | to see men, women and children acting the fool. | |
1048 | ||
1049 | CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of | |
1050 | seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a | |
1051 | blockhead. | |
1052 | ||
1053 | CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with | |
1054 | cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a | |
1055 | clarionet -- two clarionets. | |
1056 | ||
1057 | CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual | |
1058 | affairs as a method of better his temporal ones. | |
1059 | ||
1060 | CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over | |
1061 | history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent | |
1062 | citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being | |
1063 | addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. | |
1064 | ||
1065 | CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern | |
1066 | for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. | |
1067 | ||
1068 | A busy man complained one day: | |
1069 | "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" | |
1070 | Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; | |
1071 | "You have, sir, all the time there is. | |
1072 | There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- | |
1073 | We're never for an hour without it." | |
1074 | Purzil Crofe | |
1075 | ||
1076 | CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many | |
1077 | meritorious persons wish to obtain. | |
1078 | ||
1079 | "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried | |
1080 | To thrifty J. Macpherson; | |
1081 | "See me -- I'm ready to divide | |
1082 | With any worthy person." | |
1083 | Sad Jamie: "That is very true -- | |
1084 | The boast requires no backing; | |
1085 | And all are worthy, sir, to you, | |
1086 | Who have what you are lacking." | |
1087 | Anita M. Bobe | |
1088 | ||
1089 | COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the | |
1090 | sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a | |
1091 | brotherhood of awful examples. | |
1092 | ||
1093 | O Coenobite, O coenobite, | |
1094 | Monastical gregarian, | |
1095 | You differ from the anchorite, | |
1096 | That solitudinarian: | |
1097 | With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; | |
1098 | With dropping shots he makes him sick. | |
1099 | Quincy Giles | |
1100 | ||
1101 | COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's | |
1102 | uneasiness. | |
1103 | ||
1104 | COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that | |
1105 | resembles, but do not equal, our own. | |
1106 | ||
1107 | COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the | |
1108 | goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money | |
1109 | belonging to E. | |
1110 | ||
1111 | COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable | |
1112 | multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously | |
1113 | efficient. | |
1114 | ||
1115 | This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, | |
1116 | So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew | |
1117 | Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches | |
1118 | Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays | |
1119 | That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins | |
1120 | Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. | |
1121 | On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, | |
1122 | Misfortune attend and disaster befall! | |
1123 | May life be to them a succession of hurts; | |
1124 | May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; | |
1125 | May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, | |
1126 | Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; | |
1127 | May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, | |
1128 | And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; | |
1129 | May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, | |
1130 | And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. | |
1131 | Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse | |
1132 | Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, | |
1133 | By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors -- | |
1134 | The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! | |
1135 | Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! | |
1136 | Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, | |
1137 | Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. | |
1138 | K.Q. | |
1139 | ||
1140 | COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives | |
1141 | each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought | |
1142 | not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his | |
1143 | due. | |
1144 | ||
1145 | COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. | |
1146 | ||
1147 | CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than | |
1148 | sympathy. | |
1149 | ||
1150 | CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, | |
1151 | confided by _him_ to C. | |
1152 | ||
1153 | CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. | |
1154 | ||
1155 | CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. | |
1156 | ||
1157 | CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and | |
1158 | nothing about anything else. | |
1159 | An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, | |
1160 | some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he | |
1161 | murmured and died. | |
1162 | ||
1163 | CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as | |
1164 | distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with | |
1165 | others. | |
1166 | ||
1167 | CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate | |
1168 | than yourself. | |
1169 | ||
1170 | CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure | |
1171 | and office from the people is given one by the Administration on | |
1172 | condition that he leave the country. | |
1173 | ||
1174 | CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already | |
1175 | decided on. | |
1176 | ||
1177 | CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too | |
1178 | formidable safely to be opposed. | |
1179 | ||
1180 | CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the | |
1181 | injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. | |
1182 | ||
1183 | In controversy with the facile tongue -- | |
1184 | That bloodless warfare of the old and young -- | |
1185 | So seek your adversary to engage | |
1186 | That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, | |
1187 | And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, | |
1188 | With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. | |
1189 | You ask me how this miracle is done? | |
1190 | Adopt his own opinions, one by one, | |
1191 | And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath | |
1192 | He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. | |
1193 | Advance then gently all you wish to prove, | |
1194 | Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've | |
1195 | So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say, | |
1196 | And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way, | |
1197 | This view of it which, better far expressed, | |
1198 | Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest | |
1199 | To him, secure that he'll perform his trust | |
1200 | And prove your views intelligent and just. | |
1201 | Conmore Apel Brune | |
1202 | ||
1203 | CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to | |
1204 | meditate upon the vice of idleness. | |
1205 | ||
1206 | CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental | |
1207 | commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of | |
1208 | his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. | |
1209 | ||
1210 | CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward | |
1211 | and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a | |
1212 | dynamite bomb. | |
1213 | ||
1214 | CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military | |
1215 | ladder. | |
1216 | ||
1217 | Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, | |
1218 | Our corporal heroically fell! | |
1219 | Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl | |
1220 | And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." | |
1221 | Giacomo Smith | |
1222 | ||
1223 | CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit | |
1224 | without individual responsibility. | |
1225 | ||
1226 | CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. | |
1227 | ||
1228 | COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff. | |
1229 | ||
1230 | COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. | |
1231 | ||
1232 | CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but | |
1233 | less indigestible. | |
1234 | ||
1235 | In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably | |
1236 | figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only | |
1237 | backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the | |
1238 | perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to | |
1239 | avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend | |
1240 | their nature afterward. | |
1241 | Sir James Merivale | |
1242 | ||
1243 | CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial | |
1244 | Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. | |
1245 | ||
1246 | CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. | |
1247 | ||
1248 | CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody | |
1249 | tries to please him. | |
1250 | ||
1251 | There is a land of pure delight, | |
1252 | Beyond the Jordan's flood, | |
1253 | Where saints, apparelled all in white, | |
1254 | Fling back the critic's mud. | |
1255 | ||
1256 | And as he legs it through the skies, | |
1257 | His pelt a sable hue, | |
1258 | He sorrows sore to recognize | |
1259 | The missiles that he threw. | |
1260 | Orrin Goof | |
1261 | ||
1262 | CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its | |
1263 | significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, | |
1264 | but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been | |
1265 | believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallic | |
1266 | worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, | |
1267 | to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as | |
1268 | a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent | |
1269 | neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father | |
1270 | Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following: | |
1271 | ||
1272 | "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood | |
1273 | Cry out in holy chorus, | |
1274 | And, to dissuade from sin, parade | |
1275 | Their various charms before us. | |
1276 | ||
1277 | But why, O why, has ne'er an eye | |
1278 | Seen her of winsome manner | |
1279 | And youthful grace and pretty face | |
1280 | Flaunting the White Cross banner? | |
1281 | ||
1282 | Now where's the need of speech and screed | |
1283 | To better our behaving? | |
1284 | A simpler plan for saving man | |
1285 | (But, first, is he worth saving?) | |
1286 | ||
1287 | Is, dears, when he declines to flee | |
1288 | From bad thoughts that beset him, | |
1289 | Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, | |
1290 | And wants to sin -- don't let him. | |
1291 | ||
1292 | CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_? | |
1293 | ||
1294 | CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person | |
1295 | from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction | |
1296 | and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier | |
1297 | gets the skins of more foxes than asses." | |
1298 | ||
1299 | CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a | |
1300 | barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of | |
1301 | its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is | |
1302 | the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual | |
1303 | love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the | |
1304 | wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art | |
1305 | grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work -- | |
1306 | this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on | |
1307 | the doorstep of prosperity. | |
1308 | ||
1309 | CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The | |
1310 | desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one | |
1311 | of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. | |
1312 | ||
1313 | CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This | |
1314 | is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is | |
1315 | commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a | |
1316 | cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of | |
1317 | life insurance. | |
1318 | ||
1319 | CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, | |
1320 | not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of | |
1321 | plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. | |
1322 | ||
1323 | ||
1324 | D | |
1325 | ||
1326 | ||
1327 | DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning | |
1328 | of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to | |
1329 | have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree | |
1330 | of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it | |
1331 | expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently | |
1332 | occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy." It | |
1333 | would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion | |
1334 | conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. | |
1335 | ||
1336 | DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably | |
1337 | with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many | |
1338 | kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two | |
1339 | sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously | |
1340 | innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. | |
1341 | ||
1342 | DANGER, n. | |
1343 | ||
1344 | A savage beast which, when it sleeps, | |
1345 | Man girds at and despises, | |
1346 | But takes himself away by leaps | |
1347 | And bounds when it arises. | |
1348 | Ambat Delaso | |
1349 | ||
1350 | DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in | |
1351 | security. | |
1352 | ||
1353 | DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, | |
1354 | whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words | |
1355 | _Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of | |
1356 | God. | |
1357 | ||
1358 | DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men | |
1359 | prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk | |
1360 | with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then | |
1361 | point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy | |
1362 | health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, | |
1363 | not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find | |
1364 | only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the | |
1365 | others who have tried it. | |
1366 | ||
1367 | DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period | |
1368 | is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day | |
1369 | improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter | |
1370 | consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity | |
1371 | overlap. | |
1372 | ||
1373 | DEAD, adj. | |
1374 | ||
1375 | Done with the work of breathing; done | |
1376 | With all the world; the mad race run | |
1377 | Though to the end; the golden goal | |
1378 | Attained and found to be a hole! | |
1379 | Squatol Johnes | |
1380 | ||
1381 | DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has | |
1382 | had the misfortune to overtake it. | |
1383 | ||
1384 | DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- | |
1385 | driver. | |
1386 | ||
1387 | As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet | |
1388 | Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, | |
1389 | Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, | |
1390 | Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; | |
1391 | So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, | |
1392 | Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, | |
1393 | Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, | |
1394 | And finds at last he might as well have paid it. | |
1395 | Barlow S. Vode | |
1396 | ||
1397 | DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough | |
1398 | to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to | |
1399 | embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the | |
1400 | Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. | |
1401 | ||
1402 | Thou shalt no God but me adore: | |
1403 | 'Twere too expensive to have more. | |
1404 | ||
1405 | No images nor idols make | |
1406 | For Robert Ingersoll to break. | |
1407 | ||
1408 | Take not God's name in vain; select | |
1409 | A time when it will have effect. | |
1410 | ||
1411 | Work not on Sabbath days at all, | |
1412 | But go to see the teams play ball. | |
1413 | ||
1414 | Honor thy parents. That creates | |
1415 | For life insurance lower rates. | |
1416 | ||
1417 | Kill not, abet not those who kill; | |
1418 | Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. | |
1419 | ||
1420 | Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless | |
1421 | Thine own thy neighbor doth caress | |
1422 | ||
1423 | Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete | |
1424 | Successfully in business. Cheat. | |
1425 | ||
1426 | Bear not false witness -- that is low -- | |
1427 | But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." | |
1428 | ||
1429 | Cover thou naught that thou hast not | |
1430 | By hook or crook, or somehow, got. | |
1431 | G.J. | |
1432 | ||
1433 | DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences | |
1434 | over another set. | |
1435 | ||
1436 | A leaf was riven from a tree, | |
1437 | "I mean to fall to earth," said he. | |
1438 | ||
1439 | The west wind, rising, made him veer. | |
1440 | "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." | |
1441 | ||
1442 | The east wind rose with greater force. | |
1443 | Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course." | |
1444 | ||
1445 | With equal power they contend. | |
1446 | He said: "My judgment I suspend." | |
1447 | ||
1448 | Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, | |
1449 | Cried: "I've decided to fall straight." | |
1450 | ||
1451 | "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; | |
1452 | Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. | |
1453 | ||
1454 | Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, | |
1455 | You'll have no hand in it at all. | |
1456 | G.J. | |
1457 | ||
1458 | DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. | |
1459 | ||
1460 | DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack. | |
1461 | ||
1462 | DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. | |
1463 | The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it | |
1464 | required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes | |
1465 | of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of | |
1466 | sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps | |
1467 | why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of | |
1468 | returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he | |
1469 | would certainly have starved. | |
1470 | ||
1471 | DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from | |
1472 | private station to political preferment. | |
1473 | ||
1474 | DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the | |
1475 | Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its | |
1476 | name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man | |
1477 | pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. | |
1478 | ||
1479 | DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. | |
1480 | Variously pronounced. | |
1481 | ||
1482 | DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that | |
1483 | comes in sets. | |
1484 | ||
1485 | DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which | |
1486 | side it is buttered on. | |
1487 | ||
1488 | DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away | |
1489 | the sins (and sinners) of the world. | |
1490 | ||
1491 | DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising | |
1492 | Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many | |
1493 | other goodly sons and daughters. | |
1494 | ||
1495 | All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee | |
1496 | The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; | |
1497 | For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, | |
1498 | Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. | |
1499 | Mumfrey Mappel | |
1500 | ||
1501 | DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, | |
1502 | pulls coins out of your pocket. | |
1503 | ||
1504 | DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support | |
1505 | which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. | |
1506 | ||
1507 | DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. | |
1508 | The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and | |
1509 | an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. | |
1510 | When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud | |
1511 | of dust. | |
1512 | ||
1513 | "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, | |
1514 | "To-day the books are to be tried | |
1515 | By experts and accountants who | |
1516 | Have been commissioned to go through | |
1517 | Our office here, to see if we | |
1518 | Have stolen injudiciously. | |
1519 | Please have the proper entries made, | |
1520 | The proper balances displayed, | |
1521 | Conforming to the whole amount | |
1522 | Of cash on hand -- which they will count. | |
1523 | I've long admired your punctual way -- | |
1524 | Here at the break and close of day, | |
1525 | Confronting in your chair the crowd | |
1526 | Of business men, whose voices loud | |
1527 | And gestures violent you quell | |
1528 | By some mysterious, calm spell -- | |
1529 | Some magic lurking in your look | |
1530 | That brings the noisiest to book | |
1531 | And spreads a holy and profound | |
1532 | Tranquillity o'er all around. | |
1533 | So orderly all's done that they | |
1534 | Who came to draw remain to pay. | |
1535 | But now the time demands, at last, | |
1536 | That you employ your genius vast | |
1537 | In energies more active. Rise | |
1538 | And shake the lightnings from your eyes; | |
1539 | Inspire your underlings, and fling | |
1540 | Your spirit into everything!" | |
1541 | The Master's hand here dealt a whack | |
1542 | Upon the Deputy's bent back, | |
1543 | When straightway to the floor there fell | |
1544 | A shrunken globe, a rattling shell | |
1545 | A blackened, withered, eyeless head! | |
1546 | The man had been a twelvemonth dead. | |
1547 | Jamrach Holobom | |
1548 | ||
1549 | DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for | |
1550 | failure. | |
1551 | ||
1552 | DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's | |
1553 | pulse and purse. | |
1554 | ||
1555 | DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest | |
1556 | from disorders of the bowels. | |
1557 | ||
1558 | DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can | |
1559 | relate to himself without blushing. | |
1560 | ||
1561 | Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ | |
1562 | All that he had of wisdom and of wit. | |
1563 | So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, | |
1564 | Erased all entries of his own and cried: | |
1565 | "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: | |
1566 | "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- | |
1567 | Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, | |
1568 | That record from a pocket in his shroud. | |
1569 | The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, | |
1570 | Each stupid line of which he knew before, | |
1571 | Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit | |
1572 | On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; | |
1573 | Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. | |
1574 | "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: | |
1575 | You'd never be content this side the tomb -- | |
1576 | For big ideas Heaven has little room, | |
1577 | And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," | |
1578 | He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. | |
1579 | "The Mad Philosopher" | |
1580 | ||
1581 | DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of | |
1582 | despotism to the plague of anarchy. | |
1583 | ||
1584 | DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth | |
1585 | of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, | |
1586 | however, is a most useful work. | |
1587 | ||
1588 | DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because | |
1589 | there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, | |
1590 | however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it | |
1591 | is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet | |
1592 | and domestic economist, Senator Depew: | |
1593 | ||
1594 | A cube of cheese no larger than a die | |
1595 | May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. | |
1596 | ||
1597 | DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the | |
1598 | process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from | |
1599 | which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies | |
1600 | are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. | |
1601 | ||
1602 | DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. | |
1603 | ||
1604 | DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better | |
1605 | error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. | |
1606 | ||
1607 | DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or | |
1608 | thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. | |
1609 | ||
1610 | DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. | |
1611 | ||
1612 | DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. | |
1613 | ||
1614 | DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity | |
1615 | of a command. | |
1616 | ||
1617 | His right to govern me is clear as day, | |
1618 | My duty manifest to disobey; | |
1619 | And if that fit observance e'er I shut | |
1620 | May I and duty be alike undone. | |
1621 | Israfel Brown | |
1622 | ||
1623 | DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. | |
1624 | ||
1625 | Let us dissemble. | |
1626 | Adam | |
1627 | ||
1628 | DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to | |
1629 | call theirs, and keep. | |
1630 | ||
1631 | DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a | |
1632 | friend. | |
1633 | ||
1634 | DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as | |
1635 | many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce | |
1636 | and the early fool. | |
1637 | ||
1638 | DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch | |
1639 | the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in | |
1640 | some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection | |
1641 | of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog | |
1642 | is a survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, | |
1643 | yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, | |
1644 | sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means | |
1645 | wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned | |
1646 | with a look of tolerant recognition. | |
1647 | ||
1648 | DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal | |
1649 | measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on | |
1650 | horseback. | |
1651 | ||
1652 | DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French. | |
1653 | ||
1654 | DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which | |
1655 | did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. | |
1656 | Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says | |
1657 | their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as | |
1658 | Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to | |
1659 | Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have | |
1660 | obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his | |
1661 | talent for human sacrifice was considerable. | |
1662 | Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing | |
1663 | of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They | |
1664 | were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently | |
1665 | catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England -- | |
1666 | Dissenters. | |
1667 | ||
1668 | DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back | |
1669 | season. | |
1670 | ||
1671 | DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two | |
1672 | enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if | |
1673 | awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences | |
1674 | sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. | |
1675 | ||
1676 | That dueling's a gentlemanly vice | |
1677 | I hold; and wish that it had been my lot | |
1678 | To live my life out in some favored spot -- | |
1679 | Some country where it is considered nice | |
1680 | To split a rival like a fish, or slice | |
1681 | A husband like a spud, or with a shot | |
1682 | Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot | |
1683 | And ready to be put upon the ice. | |
1684 | Some miscreants there are, whom I do long | |
1685 | To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim | |
1686 | The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, | |
1687 | I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. | |
1688 | It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, | |
1689 | Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! | |
1690 | Xamba Q. Dar | |
1691 | ||
1692 | DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. | |
1693 | The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy | |
1694 | have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their | |
1695 | insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh | |
1696 | with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence | |
1697 | they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having | |
1698 | blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and | |
1699 | many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent | |
1700 | times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread | |
1701 | all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, | |
1702 | literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came | |
1703 | over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report | |
1704 | of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion | |
1705 | has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy | |
1706 | statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but | |
1707 | little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The | |
1708 | intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, | |
1709 | but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral. | |
1710 | ||
1711 | DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, | |
1712 | along the line of desire. | |
1713 | ||
1714 | Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, | |
1715 | Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. | |
1716 | His anger provoked him to take the king's head, | |
1717 | But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, | |
1718 | Instead. | |
1719 | G.J. | |
1720 | ||
1721 | ||
1722 | E | |
1723 | ||
1724 | ||
1725 | EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of | |
1726 | mastication, humectation, and deglutition. | |
1727 | "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat- | |
1728 | Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; | |
1729 | "eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, | |
1730 | monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was | |
1731 | eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before." | |
1732 | ||
1733 | EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and | |
1734 | vices of another or yourself. | |
1735 | ||
1736 | A lady with one of her ears applied | |
1737 | To an open keyhole heard, inside, | |
1738 | Two female gossips in converse free -- | |
1739 | The subject engaging them was she. | |
1740 | "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks | |
1741 | That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" | |
1742 | As soon as no more of it she could hear | |
1743 | The lady, indignant, removed her ear. | |
1744 | "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, | |
1745 | "To hear my character lied about!" | |
1746 | Gopete Sherany | |
1747 | ||
1748 | ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ | |
1749 | it to accentuate their incapacity. | |
1750 | ||
1751 | ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for | |
1752 | the price of the cow that you cannot afford. | |
1753 | ||
1754 | EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a | |
1755 | toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man | |
1756 | to a worm. | |
1757 | ||
1758 | EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, | |
1759 | Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely | |
1760 | virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the | |
1761 | virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the | |
1762 | splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he | |
1763 | resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the | |
1764 | tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as | |
1765 | the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. | |
1766 | Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of | |
1767 | thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the | |
1768 | Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the | |
1769 | editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to | |
1770 | suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard | |
1771 | the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines | |
1772 | of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack | |
1773 | up some pathos. | |
1774 | ||
1775 | O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, | |
1776 | A gilded impostor is he. | |
1777 | Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, | |
1778 | His crown is brass, | |
1779 | Himself an ass, | |
1780 | And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. | |
1781 | Prankily, crankily prating of naught, | |
1782 | Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. | |
1783 | Public opinion's camp-follower he, | |
1784 | Thundering, blundering, plundering free. | |
1785 | Affected, | |
1786 | Ungracious, | |
1787 | Suspected, | |
1788 | Mendacious, | |
1789 | Respected contemporaree! | |
1790 | J.H. Bumbleshook | |
1791 | ||
1792 | EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the | |
1793 | foolish their lack of understanding. | |
1794 | ||
1795 | EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in | |
1796 | the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the | |
1797 | other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has | |
1798 | never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the | |
1799 | rabbit the cause of a dog. | |
1800 | ||
1801 | EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in | |
1802 | me. | |
1803 | ||
1804 | Megaceph, chosen to serve the State | |
1805 | In the halls of legislative debate, | |
1806 | One day with all his credentials came | |
1807 | To the capitol's door and announced his name. | |
1808 | The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist | |
1809 | Of the face, at the eminent egotist, | |
1810 | And said: "Go away, for we settle here | |
1811 | All manner of questions, knotty and queer, | |
1812 | And we cannot have, when the speaker demands | |
1813 | To be told how every member stands, | |
1814 | A man who to all things under the sky | |
1815 | Assents by eternally voting 'I'." | |
1816 | ||
1817 | EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is | |
1818 | also much used in cases of extreme poverty. | |
1819 | ||
1820 | ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man | |
1821 | of another man's choice. | |
1822 | ||
1823 | ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known | |
1824 | to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, | |
1825 | and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most | |
1826 | picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory | |
1827 | of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in | |
1828 | France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, | |
1829 | bearing the following touching account of his life and services to | |
1830 | science: | |
1831 | ||
1832 | "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This | |
1833 | illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the | |
1834 | world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, | |
1835 | of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." | |
1836 | ||
1837 | Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the | |
1838 | arts and industries. The question of its economical application to | |
1839 | some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved | |
1840 | that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more | |
1841 | light than a horse. | |
1842 | ||
1843 | ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of | |
1844 | the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind | |
1845 | the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins | |
1846 | somewhat like this: | |
1847 | ||
1848 | The cur foretells the knell of parting day; | |
1849 | The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; | |
1850 | The wise man homeward plods; I only stay | |
1851 | To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. | |
1852 | ||
1853 | ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the | |
1854 | color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color | |
1855 | appear white. | |
1856 | ||
1857 | ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients | |
1858 | foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This | |
1859 | ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth | |
1860 | by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven! | |
1861 | ||
1862 | EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to | |
1863 | the despotism of himself. | |
1864 | ||
1865 | He was a slave: at word he went and came; | |
1866 | His iron collar cut him to the bone. | |
1867 | Then Liberty erased his owner's name, | |
1868 | Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. | |
1869 | G.J. | |
1870 | ||
1871 | EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which | |
1872 | it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural | |
1873 | balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their | |
1874 | once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting | |
1875 | more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step | |
1876 | in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be | |
1877 | ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a | |
1878 | bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him | |
1879 | after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose | |
1880 | are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_. | |
1881 | ||
1882 | EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the | |
1883 | heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge | |
1884 | of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. | |
1885 | ||
1886 | ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. | |
1887 | ||
1888 | END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the | |
1889 | Interlocutor. | |
1890 | ||
1891 | The man was perishing apace | |
1892 | Who played the tambourine; | |
1893 | The seal of death was on his face -- | |
1894 | 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. | |
1895 | ||
1896 | "This is the end," the sick man said | |
1897 | In faint and failing tones. | |
1898 | A moment later he was dead, | |
1899 | And Tambourine was Bones. | |
1900 | Tinley Roquot | |
1901 | ||
1902 | ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. | |
1903 | ||
1904 | Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter | |
1905 | Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. | |
1906 | Arbely C. Strunk | |
1907 | ||
1908 | ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of | |
1909 | death by injection. | |
1910 | ||
1911 | ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of | |
1912 | repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. | |
1913 | Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a | |
1914 | relapse, which carried him off -- to Missolonghi. | |
1915 | ||
1916 | ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the | |
1917 | husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. | |
1918 | ||
1919 | ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. | |
1920 | ||
1921 | EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military | |
1922 | officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower | |
1923 | rank to whom his death would give promotion. | |
1924 | ||
1925 | EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, | |
1926 | holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time | |
1927 | in gratification from the senses. | |
1928 | ||
1929 | EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently | |
1930 | characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. | |
1931 | Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and | |
1932 | ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: | |
1933 | ||
1934 | We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To | |
1935 | serve oneself is economy of administration. | |
1936 | ||
1937 | In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a | |
1938 | nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal | |
1939 | activity. | |
1940 | ||
1941 | There are three sexes; males, females and girls. | |
1942 | ||
1943 | Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: | |
1944 | they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility. | |
1945 | ||
1946 | Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be | |
1947 | ashamed of. | |
1948 | ||
1949 | While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands | |
1950 | you are safe, for you can watch both his. | |
1951 | ||
1952 | EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired | |
1953 | by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: | |
1954 | ||
1955 | Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, | |
1956 | Wise, pious, humble and all that, | |
1957 | Who showed us life as all should live it; | |
1958 | Let that be said -- and God forgive it! | |
1959 | ||
1960 | ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. | |
1961 | ||
1962 | So wide his erudition's mighty span, | |
1963 | He knew Creation's origin and plan | |
1964 | And only came by accident to grief -- | |
1965 | He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. | |
1966 | Romach Pute | |
1967 | ||
1968 | ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. | |
1969 | The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that | |
1970 | the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, | |
1971 | those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most | |
1972 | profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in | |
1973 | our time. | |
1974 | ||
1975 | ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, | |
1976 | as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and | |
1977 | ethnologists. | |
1978 | ||
1979 | EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. | |
1980 | A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as | |
1981 | to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred | |
1982 | thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. | |
1983 | ||
1984 | EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth | |
1985 | and power, or the consideration to be dead. | |
1986 | ||
1987 | EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious | |
1988 | sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of | |
1989 | our neighbors. | |
1990 | ||
1991 | EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence | |
1992 | that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am | |
1993 | not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of | |
1994 | Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," | |
1995 | as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_. His book | |
1996 | was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is | |
1997 | still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of | |
1998 | the soul. | |
1999 | ||
2000 | EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other | |
2001 | things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The | |
2002 | exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips | |
2003 | of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought | |
2004 | of its absurdity. In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means | |
2005 | that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not | |
2006 | _confirms_ it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this | |
2007 | excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an | |
2008 | evil power which appears to be immortal. | |
2009 | ||
2010 | EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate | |
2011 | penalties the law of moderation. | |
2012 | ||
2013 | Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, | |
2014 | To thee in worship do I bend the knee | |
2015 | Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- | |
2016 | My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. | |
2017 | Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, | |
2018 | Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree | |
2019 | With reason as thy touch, exact and free, | |
2020 | Upon my forehead and along my spine. | |
2021 | At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, | |
2022 | With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; | |
2023 | When on thy stool of penitence I sit | |
2024 | I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. | |
2025 | Ungrateful he who afterward would falter | |
2026 | To make new sacrifices at thine altar! | |
2027 | ||
2028 | EXCOMMUNICATION, n. | |
2029 | ||
2030 | This "excommunication" is a word | |
2031 | In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, | |
2032 | And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, | |
2033 | Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal -- | |
2034 | A rite permitting Satan to enslave him | |
2035 | Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. | |
2036 | Gat Huckle | |
2037 | ||
2038 | EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to | |
2039 | enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the | |
2040 | judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of | |
2041 | no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The | |
2042 | Lunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: | |
2043 | ||
2044 | LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes | |
2045 | directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be | |
2046 | known whether it is constitutional? | |
2047 | TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the | |
2048 | Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many | |
2049 | years somebody objects to its operation against himself -- I | |
2050 | mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to | |
2051 | execute it at once. | |
2052 | LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. | |
2053 | Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances | |
2054 | that they enforce? | |
2055 | TERRESTRIAN: Not yet -- at least not in their character of | |
2056 | constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the | |
2057 | approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. | |
2058 | LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by | |
2059 | the murderer. | |
2060 | TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so | |
2061 | consistent. | |
2062 | LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial | |
2063 | machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they | |
2064 | have long been executed, and then only when brought before the | |
2065 | court by some private person -- does it not cause great | |
2066 | confusion? | |
2067 | TERRESTRIAN: It does. | |
2068 | LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being | |
2069 | executed, be validated, not by the signature of your | |
2070 | President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme | |
2071 | Court? | |
2072 | TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course. | |
2073 | LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? | |
2074 | TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three | |
2075 | volumes each. So how can any one know? | |
2076 | ||
2077 | EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another | |
2078 | upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. | |
2079 | ||
2080 | EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not | |
2081 | an ambassador. | |
2082 | An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of | |
2083 | Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years | |
2084 | afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of | |
2085 | unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the | |
2086 | ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply: | |
2087 | ||
2088 | Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly | |
2089 | received. War with the whole world! | |
2090 | ||
2091 | EXISTENCE, n. | |
2092 | ||
2093 | A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, | |
2094 | Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: | |
2095 | From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge | |
2096 | Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" | |
2097 | ||
2098 | EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an | |
2099 | undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. | |
2100 | ||
2101 | To one who, journeying through night and fog, | |
2102 | Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, | |
2103 | Experience, like the rising of the dawn, | |
2104 | Reveals the path that he should not have gone. | |
2105 | Joel Frad Bink | |
2106 | ||
2107 | EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to | |
2108 | lose their friends. | |
2109 | ||
2110 | EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the | |
2111 | future state. | |
2112 | ||
2113 | ||
2114 | F | |
2115 | ||
2116 | ||
2117 | FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly | |
2118 | inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, | |
2119 | and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The | |
2120 | fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a | |
2121 | clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately | |
2122 | as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of | |
2123 | the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected | |
2124 | that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of | |
2125 | fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a | |
2126 | peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The | |
2127 | son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but | |
2128 | afterward returned. He had seen the abduction been in pursuit of the | |
2129 | fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers | |
2130 | that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one | |
2131 | change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great | |
2132 | slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original | |
2133 | shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain | |
2134 | which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the | |
2135 | wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was | |
2136 | made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or | |
2137 | mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. | |
2138 | ||
2139 | FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks | |
2140 | without knowledge, of things without parallel. | |
2141 | ||
2142 | FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. | |
2143 | ||
2144 | Done to a turn on the iron, behold | |
2145 | Him who to be famous aspired. | |
2146 | Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, | |
2147 | And his twistings are greatly admired. | |
2148 | Hassan Brubuddy | |
2149 | ||
2150 | FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. | |
2151 | ||
2152 | A king there was who lost an eye | |
2153 | In some excess of passion; | |
2154 | And straight his courtiers all did try | |
2155 | To follow the new fashion. | |
2156 | ||
2157 | Each dropped one eyelid when before | |
2158 | The throne he ventured, thinking | |
2159 | 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore | |
2160 | He'd slay them all for winking. | |
2161 | ||
2162 | What should they do? They were not hot | |
2163 | To hazard such disaster; | |
2164 | They dared not close an eye -- dared not | |
2165 | See better than their master. | |
2166 | ||
2167 | Seeing them lacrymose and glum, | |
2168 | A leech consoled the weepers: | |
2169 | He spread small rags with liquid gum | |
2170 | And covered half their peepers. | |
2171 | ||
2172 | The court all wore the stuff, the flame | |
2173 | Of royal anger dying. | |
2174 | That's how court-plaster got its name | |
2175 | Unless I'm greatly lying. | |
2176 | Naramy Oof | |
2177 | ||
2178 | FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by | |
2179 | gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person | |
2180 | distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church | |
2181 | feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly | |
2182 | immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these | |
2183 | entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by | |
2184 | the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, | |
2185 | as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is | |
2186 | believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. | |
2187 | Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was | |
2188 | held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven. | |
2189 | ||
2190 | FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in | |
2191 | embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. | |
2192 | ||
2193 | FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. | |
2194 | ||
2195 | The Maker, at Creation's birth, | |
2196 | With living things had stocked the earth. | |
2197 | From elephants to bats and snails, | |
2198 | They all were good, for all were males. | |
2199 | But when the Devil came and saw | |
2200 | He said: "By Thine eternal law | |
2201 | Of growth, maturity, decay, | |
2202 | These all must quickly pass away | |
2203 | And leave untenanted the earth | |
2204 | Unless Thou dost establish birth" -- | |
2205 | Then tucked his head beneath his wing | |
2206 | To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing | |
2207 | With deviltry did so accord, | |
2208 | That he'd suggested to the Lord. | |
2209 | The Master pondered this advice, | |
2210 | Then shook and threw the fateful dice | |
2211 | Wherewith all matters here below | |
2212 | Are ordered, and observed the throw; | |
2213 | Then bent His head in awful state, | |
2214 | Confirming the decree of Fate. | |
2215 | From every part of earth anew | |
2216 | The conscious dust consenting flew, | |
2217 | While rivers from their courses rolled | |
2218 | To make it plastic for the mould. | |
2219 | Enough collected (but no more, | |
2220 | For niggard Nature hoards her store) | |
2221 | He kneaded it to flexible clay, | |
2222 | While Nick unseen threw some away. | |
2223 | And then the various forms He cast, | |
2224 | Gross organs first and finer last; | |
2225 | No one at once evolved, but all | |
2226 | By even touches grew and small | |
2227 | Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, | |
2228 | To match all living things He'd made | |
2229 | Females, complete in all their parts | |
2230 | Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. | |
2231 | "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed | |
2232 | I'll fetch the very hearts they need" -- | |
2233 | So flew away and soon brought back | |
2234 | The number needed, in a sack. | |
2235 | That night earth range with sounds of strife -- | |
2236 | Ten million males each had a wife; | |
2237 | That night sweet Peace her pinions spread | |
2238 | O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead! | |
2239 | G.J. | |
2240 | ||
2241 | FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest | |
2242 | approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. | |
2243 | ||
2244 | When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, | |
2245 | Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. | |
2246 | Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief | |
2247 | By proof that even himself was not a slave | |
2248 | To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave | |
2249 | Had been of all her servitors the chief | |
2250 | Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf | |
2251 | Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. | |
2252 | No, David served not Naked Truth when he | |
2253 | Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; | |
2254 | Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: | |
2255 | For reason shows that it could never be, | |
2256 | And the facts contradict him to his face. | |
2257 | Men are not liars all, for some are dead. | |
2258 | Bartle Quinker | |
2259 | ||
2260 | FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. | |
2261 | ||
2262 | FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a | |
2263 | horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. | |
2264 | ||
2265 | To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn | |
2266 | I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." | |
2267 | To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, | |
2268 | 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." | |
2269 | Orm Pludge | |
2270 | ||
2271 | FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. | |
2272 | ||
2273 | FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for | |
2274 | the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word | |
2275 | with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of | |
2276 | America's most precious discoveries and possessions. | |
2277 | ||
2278 | FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and | |
2279 | ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one | |
2280 | sees and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here." | |
2281 | ||
2282 | FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. | |
2283 | ||
2284 | FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another | |
2285 | party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, | |
2286 | who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our | |
2287 | partisan journals. | |
2288 | ||
2289 | FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by | |
2290 | Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various | |
2291 | literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and | |
2292 | general diet of the flies infesting the several countries. These | |
2293 | creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and | |
2294 | companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly | |
2295 | embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, | |
2296 | according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by | |
2297 | a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the | |
2298 | writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature -- that is to say, | |
2299 | the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and | |
2300 | critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked | |
2301 | right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which | |
2302 | comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in children | |
2303 | to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful | |
2304 | instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the | |
2305 | methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of | |
2306 | races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is | |
2307 | found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and | |
2308 | chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and | |
2309 | serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- _Musca maledicta_. | |
2310 | In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making | |
2311 | the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine | |
2312 | revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever | |
2313 | marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable | |
2314 | enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. | |
2315 | Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of | |
2316 | the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such | |
2317 | assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to | |
2318 | grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, | |
2319 | in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to | |
2320 | understand the important services that flies perform to literature it | |
2321 | is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a | |
2322 | saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit | |
2323 | brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the | |
2324 | duration of exposure. | |
2325 | ||
2326 | FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and | |
2327 | controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns | |
2328 | his life. | |
2329 | ||
2330 | Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once | |
2331 | In a thick volume, and all authors known, | |
2332 | If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, | |
2333 | Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts | |
2334 | Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, | |
2335 | To mend their lives and to sustain his own, | |
2336 | However feebly be his arrows thrown, | |
2337 | ||
2338 | Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. | |
2339 | All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, | |
2340 | With lusty lung, here on his western strand | |
2341 | With all thine offspring thronged from every land, | |
2342 | Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. | |
2343 | And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, | |
2344 | Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. | |
2345 | Aramis Loto Frope | |
2346 | ||
2347 | FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation | |
2348 | and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is | |
2349 | omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was | |
2350 | who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the | |
2351 | telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created | |
2352 | patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy, | |
2353 | law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican | |
2354 | government. He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as | |
2355 | creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang | |
2356 | upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the | |
2357 | procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the | |
2358 | set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening | |
2359 | meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal | |
2360 | grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of | |
2361 | eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human | |
2362 | civilization. | |
2363 | ||
2364 | FORCE, n. | |
2365 | ||
2366 | "Force is but might," the teacher said -- | |
2367 | "That definition's just." | |
2368 | The boy said naught but through instead, | |
2369 | Remembering his pounded head: | |
2370 | "Force is not might but must!" | |
2371 | ||
2372 | FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two | |
2373 | malefactors. | |
2374 | ||
2375 | FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I | |
2376 | consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in | |
2377 | explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; | |
2378 | when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles | |
2379 | caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, | |
2380 | and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to | |
2381 | prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the | |
2382 | efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling these | |
2383 | awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the | |
2384 | mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing | |
2385 | to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly | |
2386 | refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter. | |
2387 | ||
2388 | FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation | |
2389 | for their destitution of conscience. | |
2390 | ||
2391 | FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead | |
2392 | animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this | |
2393 | purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many | |
2394 | advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether | |
2395 | reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of | |
2396 | these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking | |
2397 | proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. | |
2398 | ||
2399 | FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person -- a | |
2400 | method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately | |
2401 | permitted to lose his case. | |
2402 | ||
2403 | When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court | |
2404 | (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) | |
2405 | Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, | |
2406 | He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. | |
2407 | ||
2408 | "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; | |
2409 | "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." | |
2410 | So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: | |
2411 | He went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited. | |
2412 | G.J. | |
2413 | ||
2414 | FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds | |
2415 | lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval | |
2416 | times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in | |
2417 | this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent | |
2418 | an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity | |
2419 | of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you | |
2420 | master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the | |
2421 | officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must | |
2422 | e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this | |
2423 | act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master | |
2424 | the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too | |
2425 | great wealth." | |
2426 | ||
2427 | FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose | |
2428 | annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. | |
2429 | ||
2430 | FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half | |
2431 | dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political | |
2432 | condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual | |
2433 | monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is | |
2434 | not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a | |
2435 | living specimen of either. | |
2436 | ||
2437 | Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, | |
2438 | Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; | |
2439 | On every wind, indeed, that blows | |
2440 | I hear her yell. | |
2441 | ||
2442 | She screams whenever monarchs meet, | |
2443 | And parliaments as well, | |
2444 | To bind the chains about her feet | |
2445 | And toll her knell. | |
2446 | ||
2447 | And when the sovereign people cast | |
2448 | The votes they cannot spell, | |
2449 | Upon the pestilential blast | |
2450 | Her clamors swell. | |
2451 | ||
2452 | For all to whom the power's given | |
2453 | To sway or to compel, | |
2454 | Among themselves apportion Heaven | |
2455 | And give her Hell. | |
2456 | Blary O'Gary | |
2457 | ||
2458 | FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and | |
2459 | fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, | |
2460 | among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the | |
2461 | dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces | |
2462 | all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming | |
2463 | up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of | |
2464 | Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by | |
2465 | Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, | |
2466 | Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the | |
2467 | Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the | |
2468 | Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the | |
2469 | Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a Freemason. | |
2470 | ||
2471 | FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. | |
2472 | Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. | |
2473 | ||
2474 | FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but | |
2475 | only one in foul. | |
2476 | ||
2477 | The sea was calm and the sky was blue; | |
2478 | Merrily, merrily sailed we two. | |
2479 | (High barometer maketh glad.) | |
2480 | On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, | |
2481 | The tempest descended and we fell out. | |
2482 | (O the walking is nasty bad!) | |
2483 | Armit Huff Bettle | |
2484 | ||
2485 | FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in | |
2486 | profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and | |
2487 | the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the | |
2488 | work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has | |
2489 | set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain | |
2490 | frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was | |
2491 | besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, | |
2492 | who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, | |
2493 | that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the | |
2494 | programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good | |
2495 | voice but no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by | |
2496 | Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koax"; the | |
2497 | music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses | |
2498 | have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling | |
2499 | them to shine in a hurdle race. | |
2500 | ||
2501 | FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that | |
2502 | punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented | |
2503 | by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died | |
2504 | without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp | |
2505 | who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and | |
2506 | devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its | |
2507 | terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. | |
2508 | Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of | |
2509 | invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The | |
2510 | following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) | |
2511 | seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to | |
2512 | this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life | |
2513 | reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the | |
2514 | other side, rewarding its devotees: | |
2515 | ||
2516 | Old Nick was summoned to the skies. | |
2517 | Said Peter: "Your intentions | |
2518 | Are good, but you lack enterprise | |
2519 | Concerning new inventions. | |
2520 | ||
2521 | "Now, broiling in an ancient plan | |
2522 | Of torment, but I hear it | |
2523 | Reported that the frying-pan | |
2524 | Sears best the wicked spirit. | |
2525 | ||
2526 | "Go get one -- fill it up with fat -- | |
2527 | Fry sinners brown and good in't." | |
2528 | "I know a trick worth two o' that," | |
2529 | Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food in't." | |
2530 | ||
2531 | FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by | |
2532 | enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure | |
2533 | that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. | |
2534 | ||
2535 | The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse | |
2536 | To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. | |
2537 | Our friends expire -- we make the money fly | |
2538 | In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. | |
2539 | Jex Wopley | |
2540 | ||
2541 | FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our | |
2542 | friends are true and our happiness is assured. | |
2543 | ||
2544 | ||
2545 | G | |
2546 | ||
2547 | ||
2548 | GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which | |
2549 | the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the | |
2550 | gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. | |
2551 | ||
2552 | Whether on the gallows high | |
2553 | Or where blood flows the reddest, | |
2554 | The noblest place for man to die -- | |
2555 | Is where he died the deadest. | |
2556 | (Old play) | |
2557 | ||
2558 | GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval | |
2559 | buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some | |
2560 | personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was | |
2561 | especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures | |
2562 | generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery | |
2563 | of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean | |
2564 | and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others | |
2565 | substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the | |
2566 | new incumbents. | |
2567 | ||
2568 | GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out | |
2569 | of her stockings and desolating the country. | |
2570 | ||
2571 | GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was | |
2572 | rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble | |
2573 | by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. | |
2574 | ||
2575 | GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did | |
2576 | not particularly care to trace his own. | |
2577 | ||
2578 | GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. | |
2579 | ||
2580 | Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: | |
2581 | A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. | |
2582 | Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, | |
2583 | For dictionary makers are generally gents. | |
2584 | G.J. | |
2585 | ||
2586 | GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between | |
2587 | the outside of the world and the inside. | |
2588 | ||
2589 | Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, | |
2590 | Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, | |
2591 | In passing thence along the river Zam | |
2592 | To the adjacent village of Xelam, | |
2593 | Bewildered by the multitude of roads, | |
2594 | Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, | |
2595 | Then from exposure miserably died, | |
2596 | And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. | |
2597 | Henry Haukhorn | |
2598 | ||
2599 | GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless, | |
2600 | will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up | |
2601 | garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe | |
2602 | already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, | |
2603 | consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, | |
2604 | antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The | |
2605 | Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary | |
2606 | comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy | |
2607 | boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, | |
2608 | anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. | |
2609 | ||
2610 | GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. | |
2611 | ||
2612 | He saw a ghost. | |
2613 | It occupied -- that dismal thing! -- | |
2614 | The path that he was following. | |
2615 | Before he'd time to stop and fly, | |
2616 | An earthquake trifled with the eye | |
2617 | That saw a ghost. | |
2618 | He fell as fall the early good; | |
2619 | Unmoved that awful vision stood. | |
2620 | The stars that danced before his ken | |
2621 | He wildly brushed away, and then | |
2622 | He saw a post. | |
2623 | Jared Macphester | |
2624 | ||
2625 | Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions | |
2626 | somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much | |
2627 | afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such | |
2628 | tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of | |
2629 | my own experience. | |
2630 | There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost | |
2631 | never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his | |
2632 | habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not | |
2633 | only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is | |
2634 | nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile | |
2635 | fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, | |
2636 | what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the | |
2637 | apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost | |
2638 | in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and | |
2639 | get a convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith. | |
2640 | ||
2641 | GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring | |
2642 | the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of | |
2643 | controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of | |
2644 | comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place. In | |
2645 | 1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened | |
2646 | it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with | |
2647 | many heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more | |
2648 | than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at | |
2649 | the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he | |
2650 | would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a | |
2651 | ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury | |
2652 | and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished | |
2653 | a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water | |
2654 | turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has | |
2655 | since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the | |
2656 | fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral | |
2657 | at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed | |
2658 | men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and | |
2659 | captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had | |
2660 | transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but was | |
2661 | nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous | |
2662 | popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so | |
2663 | affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself | |
2664 | in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. | |
2665 | ||
2666 | GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by | |
2667 | committing dyspepsia. | |
2668 | ||
2669 | GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the | |
2670 | interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral | |
2671 | treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough | |
2672 | in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw | |
2673 | them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig | |
2674 | Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and | |
2675 | Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a | |
2676 | Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these | |
2677 | statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as | |
2678 | 1764. | |
2679 | ||
2680 | GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion | |
2681 | between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not | |
2682 | go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin | |
2683 | of the fusion managers. | |
2684 | ||
2685 | GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state | |
2686 | resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is | |
2687 | something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. | |
2688 | ||
2689 | A hunter from Kew caught a distant view | |
2690 | Of a peacefully meditative gnu, | |
2691 | And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue | |
2692 | In its blood at a closer interview." | |
2693 | But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw | |
2694 | O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; | |
2695 | And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew | |
2696 | Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew | |
2697 | That really meritorious gnu." | |
2698 | Jarn Leffer | |
2699 | ||
2700 | GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. | |
2701 | Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. | |
2702 | ||
2703 | GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some | |
2704 | occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various | |
2705 | degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, | |
2706 | so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person | |
2707 | called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript | |
2708 | of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as | |
2709 | discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found | |
2710 | to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be | |
2711 | very great geese indeed. | |
2712 | ||
2713 | GORGON, n. | |
2714 | ||
2715 | The Gorgon was a maiden bold | |
2716 | Who turned to stone the Greeks of old | |
2717 | That looked upon her awful brow. | |
2718 | We dig them out of ruins now, | |
2719 | And swear that workmanship so bad | |
2720 | Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. | |
2721 | ||
2722 | GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. | |
2723 | ||
2724 | GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, | |
2725 | who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no | |
2726 | expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and | |
2727 | dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to | |
2728 | be blowing. | |
2729 | ||
2730 | GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet | |
2731 | for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to | |
2732 | distinction. | |
2733 | ||
2734 | GRAPE, n. | |
2735 | ||
2736 | Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung, | |
2737 | Anacreon and Khayyam; | |
2738 | Thy praise is ever on the tongue | |
2739 | Of better men than I am. | |
2740 | ||
2741 | The lyre in my hand has never swept, | |
2742 | The song I cannot offer: | |
2743 | My humbler service pray accept -- | |
2744 | I'll help to kill the scoffer. | |
2745 | ||
2746 | The water-drinkers and the cranks | |
2747 | Who load their skins with liquor -- | |
2748 | I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks | |
2749 | And tap them with my sticker. | |
2750 | ||
2751 | Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools | |
2752 | When e'er we let the wine rest. | |
2753 | Here's death to Prohibition's fools, | |
2754 | And every kind of vine-pest! | |
2755 | Jamrach Holobom | |
2756 | ||
2757 | GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to | |
2758 | the demands of American Socialism. | |
2759 | ||
2760 | GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of | |
2761 | the medical student. | |
2762 | ||
2763 | Beside a lonely grave I stood -- | |
2764 | With brambles 'twas encumbered; | |
2765 | The winds were moaning in the wood, | |
2766 | Unheard by him who slumbered, | |
2767 | ||
2768 | A rustic standing near, I said: | |
2769 | "He cannot hear it blowing!" | |
2770 | "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead -- | |
2771 | He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." | |
2772 | ||
2773 | "Too true," I said; "alas, too true -- | |
2774 | No sound his sense can quicken!" | |
2775 | "Well, mister, wot is that to you? -- | |
2776 | The deadster ain't a-kickin'." | |
2777 | ||
2778 | I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile | |
2779 | On him, and mercy show him!" | |
2780 | That countryman looked on the while, | |
2781 | And said: "Ye didn't know him." | |
2782 | Pobeter Dunko | |
2783 | ||
2784 | GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another | |
2785 | with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain -- | |
2786 | the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength | |
2787 | of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and | |
2788 | edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, | |
2789 | makes B the proof of A. | |
2790 | ||
2791 | GREAT, adj. | |
2792 | ||
2793 | "I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign | |
2794 | The monarch of the wood and plain!" | |
2795 | ||
2796 | The Elephant replied: "I'm great -- | |
2797 | No quadruped can match my weight!" | |
2798 | ||
2799 | "I'm great -- no animal has half | |
2800 | So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. | |
2801 | ||
2802 | "I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see | |
2803 | My femoral muscularity!" | |
2804 | ||
2805 | The 'Possum said: "I'm great -- behold, | |
2806 | My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" | |
2807 | ||
2808 | An Oyster fried was understood | |
2809 | To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" | |
2810 | ||
2811 | Each reckons greatness to consist | |
2812 | In that in which he heads the list, | |
2813 | ||
2814 | And Vierick thinks he tops his class | |
2815 | Because he is the greatest ass. | |
2816 | Arion Spurl Doke | |
2817 | ||
2818 | GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders | |
2819 | with good reason. | |
2820 | In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the | |
2821 | learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture | |
2822 | -- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles | |
2823 | and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head inside | |
2824 | the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an | |
2825 | authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and | |
2826 | enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c. XI) | |
2827 | the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a | |
2828 | theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I | |
2829 | have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired | |
2830 | by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity. | |
2831 | ||
2832 | GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the | |
2833 | settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left | |
2834 | unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to | |
2835 | the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it | |
2836 | was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion | |
2837 | seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, | |
2838 | it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of | |
2839 | Agriculture. | |
2840 | Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event | |
2841 | that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of | |
2842 | Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of | |
2843 | the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented | |
2844 | him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the | |
2845 | _Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial | |
2846 | value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was | |
2847 | instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with | |
2848 | soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line | |
2849 | of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look | |
2850 | backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a | |
2851 | lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the | |
2852 | earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary | |
2853 | saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and | |
2854 | fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, | |
2855 | then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself | |
2856 | thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators | |
2857 | along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak | |
2858 | prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, | |
2859 | and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" | |
2860 | cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading | |
2861 | line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," | |
2862 | said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again | |
2863 | centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of | |
2864 | Washington." | |
2865 | ||
2866 | ||
2867 | H | |
2868 | ||
2869 | ||
2870 | HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when | |
2871 | confined for the wrong crime. | |
2872 | ||
2873 | HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. | |
2874 | ||
2875 | HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the | |
2876 | place where the dead live. | |
2877 | Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our | |
2878 | Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in | |
2879 | a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves | |
2880 | were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. | |
2881 | When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of | |
2882 | evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a | |
2883 | majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a | |
2884 | conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record | |
2885 | and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the | |
2886 | next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly | |
2887 | sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, | |
2888 | somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good | |
2889 | prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the | |
2890 | means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and | |
2891 | immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. | |
2892 | ||
2893 | HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes | |
2894 | called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were | |
2895 | called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind | |
2896 | of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that | |
2897 | peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time | |
2898 | hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, | |
2899 | all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not | |
2900 | now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is | |
2901 | reserved for the use of her grandchildren. | |
2902 | ||
2903 | HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or | |
2904 | considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion | |
2905 | arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience | |
2906 | could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father | |
2907 | Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would | |
2908 | demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and | |
2909 | unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the | |
2910 | body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the | |
2911 | negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a | |
2912 | viper. | |
2913 | ||
2914 | HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, | |
2915 | but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a | |
2916 | somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and | |
2917 | saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture | |
2918 | in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred | |
2919 | as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, | |
2920 | or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a | |
2921 | pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the | |
2922 | nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly | |
2923 | decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his | |
2924 | unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. | |
2925 | ||
2926 | HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and | |
2927 | commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. | |
2928 | ||
2929 | HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various | |
2930 | ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals | |
2931 | to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent | |
2932 | invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties | |
2933 | to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of | |
2934 | "Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, | |
2935 | as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails | |
2936 | in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. | |
2937 | ||
2938 | HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest | |
2939 | dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a | |
2940 | populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States | |
2941 | his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, | |
2942 | where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the | |
2943 | first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the | |
2944 | expediency of hanging Jerseymen. | |
2945 | ||
2946 | HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the | |
2947 | misery of another. | |
2948 | ||
2949 | HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- | |
2950 | outang. | |
2951 | ||
2952 | HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed | |
2953 | to the fury of the customs. | |
2954 | ||
2955 | HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from | |
2956 | Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for | |
2957 | the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. | |
2958 | ||
2959 | HASH, x. There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what | |
2960 | hash is. | |
2961 | ||
2962 | HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. | |
2963 | ||
2964 | "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, | |
2965 | For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. | |
2966 | The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, | |
2967 | With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. | |
2968 | John Lukkus | |
2969 | ||
2970 | HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's | |
2971 | superiority. | |
2972 | ||
2973 | HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. | |
2974 | ||
2975 | In ancient times there lived a king | |
2976 | Whose tax-collectors could not wring | |
2977 | From all his subjects gold enough | |
2978 | To make the royal way less rough. | |
2979 | For pleasure's highway, like the dames | |
2980 | Whose premises adjoin it, claims | |
2981 | Perpetual repairing. So | |
2982 | The tax-collectors in a row | |
2983 | Appeared before the throne to pray | |
2984 | Their master to devise some way | |
2985 | To swell the revenue. "So great," | |
2986 | Said they, "are the demands of state | |
2987 | A tithe of all that we collect | |
2988 | Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: | |
2989 | How, if one-tenth we must resign, | |
2990 | Can we exist on t'other nine?" | |
2991 | The monarch asked them in reply: | |
2992 | "Has it occurred to you to try | |
2993 | The advantage of economy?" | |
2994 | "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold | |
2995 | All of our gray garrotes of gold; | |
2996 | With plated-ware we now compress | |
2997 | The necks of those whom we assess. | |
2998 | Plain iron forceps we employ | |
2999 | To mitigate the miser's joy | |
3000 | Who hoards, with greed that never tires, | |
3001 | That which your Majesty requires." | |
3002 | Deep lines of thought were seen to plow | |
3003 | Their way across the royal brow. | |
3004 | "Your state is desperate, no question; | |
3005 | Pray favor me with a suggestion." | |
3006 | "O King of Men," the spokesman said, | |
3007 | "If you'll impose upon each head | |
3008 | A tax, the augmented revenue | |
3009 | We'll cheerfully divide with you." | |
3010 | As flashes of the sun illume | |
3011 | The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, | |
3012 | The king smiled grimly. "I decree | |
3013 | That it be so -- and, not to be | |
3014 | In generosity outdone, | |
3015 | Declare you, each and every one, | |
3016 | Exempted from the operation | |
3017 | Of this new law of capitation. | |
3018 | But lest the people censure me | |
3019 | Because they're bound and you are free, | |
3020 | 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid | |
3021 | By you this poll-tax to evade. | |
3022 | I'll leave you now while you confer | |
3023 | With my most trusted minister." | |
3024 | The monarch from the throne-room walked | |
3025 | And straightway in among them stalked | |
3026 | A silent man, with brow concealed, | |
3027 | Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed! | |
3028 | G.J. | |
3029 | ||
3030 | HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. | |
3031 | ||
3032 | HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this | |
3033 | useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- a | |
3034 | very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once | |
3035 | universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions | |
3036 | reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of | |
3037 | the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a | |
3038 | feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from | |
3039 | which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a | |
3040 | caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a | |
3041 | pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a | |
3042 | hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh | |
3043 | of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M. | |
3044 | Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, | |
3045 | my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and | |
3046 | Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.) In a | |
3047 | scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John | |
3048 | Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a | |
3049 | striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's | |
3050 | famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_. | |
3051 | ||
3052 | HEAT, n. | |
3053 | ||
3054 | Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode | |
3055 | Of motion, but I know now how he's proving | |
3056 | His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed | |
3057 | With skill will set the human fist a-moving, | |
3058 | And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. | |
3059 | _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child. | |
3060 | Gorton Swope | |
3061 | ||
3062 | HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship | |
3063 | something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, | |
3064 | of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. | |
3065 | ||
3066 | "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's | |
3067 | A Christian philosopher. I'm | |
3068 | A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, | |
3069 | Addicted too much to the crime | |
3070 | Of religious discussion in my rhyme. | |
3071 | ||
3072 | Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree | |
3073 | On a _modus vivendi_ -- not they! -- | |
3074 | Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, | |
3075 | And I haven't been reared in a way | |
3076 | To joy in the thick of the fray. | |
3077 | ||
3078 | For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, | |
3079 | And the truth of it I aver: | |
3080 | Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, | |
3081 | And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er -- | |
3082 | And I'm down upon him or her! | |
3083 | ||
3084 | Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin | |
3085 | Toleration -- that's all very well, | |
3086 | But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, | |
3087 | And he's running -- I know by the smell -- | |
3088 | A secret and personal Hell! | |
3089 | Bissell Gip | |
3090 | ||
3091 | HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with | |
3092 | talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention | |
3093 | while you expound your own. | |
3094 | ||
3095 | HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an | |
3096 | altogether superior creation. | |
3097 | ||
3098 | HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. | |
3099 | ||
3100 | "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" | |
3101 | Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin' | |
3102 | She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- | |
3103 | For it's naught ye are ever doin'." | |
3104 | ||
3105 | "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, | |
3106 | And no sign of contrition envices; | |
3107 | "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, | |
3108 | For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" | |
3109 | Marley Wottel | |
3110 | ||
3111 | HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of | |
3112 | neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open | |
3113 | air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. | |
3114 | ||
3115 | HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. | |
3116 | ||
3117 | HERS, pron. His. | |
3118 | ||
3119 | HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. | |
3120 | There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of | |
3121 | various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the | |
3122 | whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is | |
3123 | admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean | |
3124 | that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four | |
3125 | centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that | |
3126 | swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their | |
3127 | brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently | |
3128 | been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness of | |
3129 | the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation | |
3130 | of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent | |
3131 | is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to | |
3132 | which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was | |
3133 | strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not | |
3134 | wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. | |
3135 | ||
3136 | HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half | |
3137 | griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and | |
3138 | half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter | |
3139 | eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of | |
3140 | zoology is full of surprises. | |
3141 | ||
3142 | HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. | |
3143 | ||
3144 | HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, | |
3145 | which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly | |
3146 | fools. | |
3147 | ||
3148 | Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown | |
3149 | 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, | |
3150 | Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, | |
3151 | Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. | |
3152 | Salder Bupp | |
3153 | ||
3154 | HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and | |
3155 | serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, | |
3156 | the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for | |
3157 | the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster | |
3158 | that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been | |
3159 | known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of | |
3160 | this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not | |
3161 | discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance. | |
3162 | ||
3163 | HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. | |
3164 | ||
3165 | HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and | |
3166 | Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly | |
3167 | inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they | |
3168 | can not. | |
3169 | ||
3170 | HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are | |
3171 | four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and | |
3172 | praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain | |
3173 | whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for | |
3174 | advantage of the lawyers. | |
3175 | ||
3176 | HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual | |
3177 | needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. | |
3178 | ||
3179 | So skilled the parson was in homiletics | |
3180 | That all his normal purges and emetics | |
3181 | To medicine the spirit were compounded | |
3182 | With a most just discrimination founded | |
3183 | Upon a rigorous examination | |
3184 | Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. | |
3185 | Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, | |
3186 | His scriptural specifics this physician | |
3187 | Administered -- his pills so efficacious | |
3188 | And pukes of disposition so vivacious | |
3189 | That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam | |
3190 | Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. | |
3191 | But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered | |
3192 | Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered | |
3193 | That in the case of patients having money | |
3194 | The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. | |
3195 | _Biography of Bishop Potter_ | |
3196 | ||
3197 | HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In | |
3198 | legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as | |
3199 | honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." | |
3200 | ||
3201 | HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. | |
3202 | ||
3203 | Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- | |
3204 | Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; | |
3205 | When even his dog deserts him, and his goat | |
3206 | With tranquil disaffection chews his coat | |
3207 | While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, | |
3208 | The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, | |
3209 | Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint | |
3210 | The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. | |
3211 | Fogarty Weffing | |
3212 | ||
3213 | HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain | |
3214 | persons who are not in need of food and lodging. | |
3215 | ||
3216 | HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the | |
3217 | earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and | |
3218 | passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female | |
3219 | friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. | |
3220 | ||
3221 | HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make | |
3222 | things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence | |
3223 | marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a | |
3224 | soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient | |
3225 | esteem. | |
3226 | ||
3227 | HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, | |
3228 | mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. | |
3229 | _House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal | |
3230 | service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. | |
3231 | _House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. | |
3232 | _House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult | |
3233 | persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. _House-maid_, a | |
3234 | youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously | |
3235 | disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has | |
3236 | pleased God to place her. | |
3237 | ||
3238 | HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. | |
3239 | ||
3240 | HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. | |
3241 | ||
3242 | Twaddle had a hovel, | |
3243 | Twiddle had a palace; | |
3244 | Twaddle said: "I'll grovel | |
3245 | Or he'll think I bear him malice" -- | |
3246 | A sentiment as novel | |
3247 | As a castor on a chalice. | |
3248 | ||
3249 | Down upon the middle | |
3250 | Of his legs fell Twaddle | |
3251 | And astonished Mr. Twiddle, | |
3252 | Who began to lift his noddle. | |
3253 | Feed upon the fiddle- | |
3254 | Faddle flummery, unswaddle | |
3255 | A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.] | |
3256 | G.J. | |
3257 | ||
3258 | HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the | |
3259 | anthropoid poets. | |
3260 | ||
3261 | HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar | |
3262 | austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with | |
3263 | his best wishes, cat-quick. | |
3264 | ||
3265 | Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind | |
3266 | See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined -- | |
3267 | Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, | |
3268 | His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. | |
3269 | He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, | |
3270 | A graceful hog would bear his company. | |
3271 | Alexander Poke | |
3272 | ||
3273 | HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now | |
3274 | generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is | |
3275 | still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain | |
3276 | old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of | |
3277 | the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's | |
3278 | usefulness has outlasted it. | |
3279 | ||
3280 | HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers. | |
3281 | ||
3282 | HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the | |
3283 | plate. | |
3284 | ||
3285 | HYBRID, n. A pooled issue. | |
3286 | ||
3287 | HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many | |
3288 | heads. | |
3289 | ||
3290 | HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its | |
3291 | habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the | |
3292 | medical student does that. | |
3293 | ||
3294 | HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. | |
3295 | ||
3296 | Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot | |
3297 | Where long the village rubbish had been shot | |
3298 | Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -- | |
3299 | "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. | |
3300 | Bogul S. Purvy | |
3301 | ||
3302 | HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues that he does not respect | |
3303 | secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises. | |
3304 | ||
3305 | ||
3306 | I | |
3307 | ||
3308 | ||
3309 | I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, | |
3310 | the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In | |
3311 | grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its | |
3312 | plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself | |
3313 | is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this | |
3314 | incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but | |
3315 | fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer | |
3316 | from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to | |
3317 | cloak his loot. | |
3318 | ||
3319 | ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of | |
3320 | blood. | |
3321 | ||
3322 | Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, | |
3323 | Restrained the raging chief and said: | |
3324 | "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- | |
3325 | Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" | |
3326 | Mary Doke | |
3327 | ||
3328 | ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are | |
3329 | imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest | |
3330 | that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but | |
3331 | pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of | |
3332 | those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the | |
3333 | iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; | |
3334 | and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress | |
3335 | the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." | |
3336 | ||
3337 | IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in | |
3338 | human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's | |
3339 | activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, | |
3340 | but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in | |
3341 | everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and | |
3342 | opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes | |
3343 | conduct with a dead-line. | |
3344 | ||
3345 | IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of | |
3346 | new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. | |
3347 | ||
3348 | IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge | |
3349 | familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know | |
3350 | nothing about. | |
3351 | ||
3352 | Dumble was an ignoramus, | |
3353 | Mumble was for learning famous. | |
3354 | Mumble said one day to Dumble: | |
3355 | "Ignorance should be more humble. | |
3356 | Not a spark have you of knowledge | |
3357 | That was got in any college." | |
3358 | Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly | |
3359 | You're self-satisfied unduly. | |
3360 | Of things in college I'm denied | |
3361 | A knowledge -- you of all beside." | |
3362 | Borelli | |
3363 | ||
3364 | ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the | |
3365 | sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -- | |
3366 | _cunctationes illuminati_. | |
3367 | ||
3368 | ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and | |
3369 | detraction. | |
3370 | ||
3371 | IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint | |
3372 | ownership. | |
3373 | ||
3374 | IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting | |
3375 | censorious critics of this dictionary. | |
3376 | ||
3377 | IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better | |
3378 | than another. | |
3379 | ||
3380 | IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with | |
3381 | a feeble conception of worth in others. | |
3382 | ||
3383 | There was once a man in Ispahan | |
3384 | Ever and ever so long ago, | |
3385 | And he had a head, the phrenologists said, | |
3386 | That fitted him for a show. | |
3387 | ||
3388 | For his modesty's bump was so large a lump | |
3389 | (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) | |
3390 | That its summit stood far above the wood | |
3391 | Of his hair, like a mountain peak. | |
3392 | ||
3393 | So modest a man in all Ispahan, | |
3394 | Over and over again they swore -- | |
3395 | So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; | |
3396 | None ever was found before. | |
3397 | ||
3398 | Meantime the hump of that awful bump | |
3399 | Into the heavens contrived to get | |
3400 | To so great a height that they called the wight | |
3401 | The man with the minaret. | |
3402 | ||
3403 | There wasn't a man in all Ispahan | |
3404 | Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: | |
3405 | With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung | |
3406 | He bragged of that beautiful bump | |
3407 | ||
3408 | Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page | |
3409 | Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, | |
3410 | And that gentle child explained as he smiled: | |
3411 | "A little present for you." | |
3412 | ||
3413 | The saddest man in all Ispahan, | |
3414 | Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. | |
3415 | "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility | |
3416 | Had given me deathless fame!" | |
3417 | Sukker Uffro | |
3418 | ||
3419 | IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard | |
3420 | to the greater number of instances men find to be generally | |
3421 | inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's | |
3422 | notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of | |
3423 | expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other | |
3424 | way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and | |
3425 | nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is a | |
3426 | lie and reason a disorder of the mind. | |
3427 | ||
3428 | IMMORTALITY, n. | |
3429 | ||
3430 | A toy which people cry for, | |
3431 | And on their knees apply for, | |
3432 | Dispute, contend and lie for, | |
3433 | And if allowed | |
3434 | Would be right proud | |
3435 | Eternally to die for. | |
3436 | G.J. | |
3437 | ||
3438 | IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains | |
3439 | fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, | |
3440 | properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the | |
3441 | body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common | |
3442 | mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is | |
3443 | still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the | |
3444 | beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in | |
3445 | "churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole | |
3446 | of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as | |
3447 | "riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in | |
3448 | Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for | |
3449 | crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded | |
3450 | for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of | |
3451 | sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must | |
3452 | be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious | |
3453 | dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he | |
3454 | would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in | |
3455 | the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. | |
3456 | ||
3457 | IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage | |
3458 | from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two | |
3459 | conflicting opinions. | |
3460 | ||
3461 | IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between | |
3462 | sin and punishment. | |
3463 | ||
3464 | IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. | |
3465 | ||
3466 | IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on | |
3467 | of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but | |
3468 | performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. | |
3469 | ||
3470 | "Lo! by the laying on of hands," | |
3471 | Say parson, priest and dervise, | |
3472 | "We consecrate your cash and lands | |
3473 | To ecclesiastical service. | |
3474 | No doubt you'll swear till all is blue | |
3475 | At such an imposition. Do." | |
3476 | Pollo Doncas | |
3477 | ||
3478 | IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. | |
3479 | ||
3480 | IMPROBABILITY, n. | |
3481 | ||
3482 | His tale he told with a solemn face | |
3483 | And a tender, melancholy grace. | |
3484 | Improbable 'twas, no doubt, | |
3485 | When you came to think it out, | |
3486 | But the fascinated crowd | |
3487 | Their deep surprise avowed | |
3488 | And all with a single voice averred | |
3489 | 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- | |
3490 | All save one who spake never a word, | |
3491 | But sat as mum | |
3492 | As if deaf and dumb, | |
3493 | Serene, indifferent and unstirred. | |
3494 | Then all the others turned to him | |
3495 | And scrutinized him limb from limb -- | |
3496 | Scanned him alive; | |
3497 | But he seemed to thrive | |
3498 | And tranquiler grow each minute, | |
3499 | As if there were nothing in it. | |
3500 | "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed | |
3501 | At what our friend has told?" He raised | |
3502 | Soberly then his eyes and gazed | |
3503 | In a natural way | |
3504 | And proceeded to say, | |
3505 | As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: | |
3506 | "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself." | |
3507 | ||
3508 | IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues | |
3509 | of to-morrow. | |
3510 | ||
3511 | IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. | |
3512 | ||
3513 | INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain | |
3514 | kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be | |
3515 | entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of | |
3516 | proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible | |
3517 | because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for | |
3518 | examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, | |
3519 | commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay | |
3520 | evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis | |
3521 | than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the | |
3522 | Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long | |
3523 | dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known | |
3524 | to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they | |
3525 | now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its | |
3526 | support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be | |
3527 | proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was | |
3528 | such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria. | |
3529 | But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily | |
3530 | be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were | |
3531 | a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which | |
3532 | certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a | |
3533 | flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it | |
3534 | were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was | |
3535 | ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery | |
3536 | for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human | |
3537 | testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. | |
3538 | ||
3539 | INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being | |
3540 | unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any | |
3541 | important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state | |
3542 | prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite | |
3543 | and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the | |
3544 | flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_. | |
3545 | Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided | |
3546 | that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or | |
3547 | "management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the | |
3548 | Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities | |
3549 | were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." | |
3550 | ||
3551 | A Roman slave appeared one day | |
3552 | Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, | |
3553 | If --" here the Augur, smiling, made | |
3554 | A checking gesture and displayed | |
3555 | His open palm, which plainly itched, | |
3556 | For visibly its surface twitched. | |
3557 | A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel) | |
3558 | Successfully allayed the tickle, | |
3559 | And then the slave proceeded: "Please | |
3560 | Inform me whether Fate decrees | |
3561 | Success or failure in what I | |
3562 | To-night (if it be dark) shall try. | |
3563 | Its nature? Never mind -- I think | |
3564 | 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink | |
3565 | Which darkened half the earth, he drew | |
3566 | Another denarius to view, | |
3567 | Its shining face attentive scanned, | |
3568 | Then slipped it into the good man's hand, | |
3569 | Who with great gravity said: "Wait | |
3570 | While I retire to question Fate." | |
3571 | That holy person then withdrew | |
3572 | His scared clay and, passing through | |
3573 | The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" | |
3574 | Waving his robe of office. Straight | |
3575 | Each sacred peacock and its mate | |
3576 | (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled | |
3577 | With clamor from the trees o'erhead, | |
3578 | Where they were perching for the night. | |
3579 | The temple's roof received their flight, | |
3580 | For thither they would always go, | |
3581 | When danger threatened them below. | |
3582 | Back to the slave the Augur went: | |
3583 | "My son, forecasting the event | |
3584 | By flight of birds, I must confess | |
3585 | The auspices deny success." | |
3586 | That slave retired, a sadder man, | |
3587 | Abandoning his secret plan -- | |
3588 | Which was (as well the craft seer | |
3589 | Had from the first divined) to clear | |
3590 | The wall and fraudulently seize | |
3591 | On Juno's poultry in the trees. | |
3592 | G.J. | |
3593 | ||
3594 | INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of | |
3595 | respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, | |
3596 | arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the | |
3597 | play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in | |
3598 | whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant- | |
3599 | stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own | |
3600 | subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and | |
3601 | all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but | |
3602 | to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be | |
3603 | rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and | |
3604 | their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the | |
3605 | lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who | |
3606 | bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, | |
3607 | being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily | |
3608 | accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and | |
3609 | rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." | |
3610 | ||
3611 | INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly | |
3612 | the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a | |
3613 | meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been | |
3614 | known to wear a moustache. | |
3615 | ||
3616 | INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two | |
3617 | things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for | |
3618 | one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and | |
3619 | God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only | |
3620 | incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel | |
3621 | yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are | |
3622 | incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and in | |
3623 | stately courtesy are altogether superior. | |
3624 | ||
3625 | INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though | |
3626 | probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best | |
3627 | nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including | |
3628 | _incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus | |
3629 | (Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be | |
3630 | out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public | |
3631 | schools. | |
3632 | Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself -- | |
3633 | tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless -- | |
3634 | sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm | |
3635 | of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, | |
3636 | generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to | |
3637 | learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from | |
3638 | their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns; | |
3639 | but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the | |
3640 | test. | |
3641 | ||
3642 | INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. | |
3643 | ||
3644 | INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir | |
3645 | Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to | |
3646 | do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it | |
3647 | followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many | |
3648 | chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear | |
3649 | and satisfactory exposition on the matter. | |
3650 | "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain | |
3651 | occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five | |
3652 | minutes to make up your mind in." | |
3653 | "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great | |
3654 | thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt | |
3655 | whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a | |
3656 | copper." | |
3657 | "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" | |
3658 | "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I | |
3659 | disobeyed the coin." | |
3660 | ||
3661 | INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. | |
3662 | ||
3663 | "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, | |
3664 | "You've grown indifferent to all in life." | |
3665 | "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; | |
3666 | "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." | |
3667 | Apuleius M. Gokul | |
3668 | ||
3669 | INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends | |
3670 | frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the | |
3671 | salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put | |
3672 | it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no | |
3673 | pray; big bellyache, heap God." | |
3674 | ||
3675 | INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman. | |
3676 | ||
3677 | INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests. | |
3678 | ||
3679 | INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, | |
3680 | "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon | |
3681 | afterward. | |
3682 | ||
3683 | INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for | |
3684 | propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the | |
3685 | pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual | |
3686 | needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor | |
3687 | might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising | |
3688 | materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of | |
3689 | Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an | |
3690 | audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically | |
3691 | recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, | |
3692 | giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down | |
3693 | to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the | |
3694 | point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled | |
3695 | the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine | |
3696 | mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back | |
3697 | further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court | |
3698 | of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption | |
3699 | in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the | |
3700 | matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow. | |
3701 | ||
3702 | INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian | |
3703 | religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of | |
3704 | scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, | |
3705 | divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, | |
3706 | voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, | |
3707 | missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, | |
3708 | muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, | |
3709 | primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, | |
3710 | clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, | |
3711 | preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, | |
3712 | bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, | |
3713 | deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, | |
3714 | hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, | |
3715 | postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, | |
3716 | reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, | |
3717 | mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, | |
3718 | sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, | |
3719 | prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and | |
3720 | pumpums. | |
3721 | ||
3722 | INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a | |
3723 | substantial _quid_. | |
3724 | ||
3725 | INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have | |
3726 | sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the | |
3727 | Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed | |
3728 | from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called | |
3729 | Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity | |
3730 | of their views about Adam. | |
3731 | ||
3732 | Two theologues once, as they wended their way | |
3733 | To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray -- | |
3734 | An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, | |
3735 | Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. | |
3736 | "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord | |
3737 | Decreed he should fall of his own accord." | |
3738 | "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained, | |
3739 | "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." | |
3740 | So fierce and so fiery grew the debate | |
3741 | That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; | |
3742 | So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground | |
3743 | And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. | |
3744 | Ere either had proved his theology right | |
3745 | By winning, or even beginning, the fight, | |
3746 | A gray old professor of Latin came by, | |
3747 | A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, | |
3748 | And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still | |
3749 | As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill | |
3750 | Of foreordination freedom of will) | |
3751 | Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: | |
3752 | Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. | |
3753 | The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear | |
3754 | Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. | |
3755 | _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! -- | |
3756 | Should only contend that Adam slipped down; | |
3757 | While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! -- | |
3758 | Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. | |
3759 | It's all the same whether up or down | |
3760 | You slip on a peel of banana brown. | |
3761 | Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, | |
3762 | But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder! | |
3763 | G.J. | |
3764 | ||
3765 | INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise | |
3766 | an object of charity. | |
3767 | ||
3768 | "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," | |
3769 | The good philanthropist replied; | |
3770 | "I did great service to a man one day | |
3771 | Who never since has cursed me to repay, | |
3772 | Nor vilified." | |
3773 | ||
3774 | "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- | |
3775 | With veneration I am overcome, | |
3776 | And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate -- | |
3777 | He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state | |
3778 | This man is dumb." | |
3779 | Ariel Selp | |
3780 | ||
3781 | INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. | |
3782 | ||
3783 | INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others | |
3784 | and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the | |
3785 | back. | |
3786 | ||
3787 | INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and | |
3788 | water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote | |
3789 | intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and | |
3790 | contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to | |
3791 | blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and | |
3792 | acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an | |
3793 | edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal | |
3794 | quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have | |
3795 | established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others | |
3796 | to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid | |
3797 | to get in pays twice as much to get out. | |
3798 | ||
3799 | INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say, | |
3800 | ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to | |
3801 | us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths | |
3802 | of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible | |
3803 | to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it | |
3804 | "a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in | |
3805 | one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's | |
3806 | country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance | |
3807 | of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's | |
3808 | diseases. | |
3809 | ||
3810 | IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent | |
3811 | investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute | |
3812 | observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the | |
3813 | mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our | |
3814 | important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds | |
3815 | that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms | |
3816 | the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points | |
3817 | confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. | |
3818 | Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by | |
3819 | believing both. | |
3820 | ||
3821 | INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are | |
3822 | of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame | |
3823 | of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of | |
3824 | his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the | |
3825 | name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following | |
3826 | are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) | |
3827 | ||
3828 | "In the sky my soul is found, | |
3829 | And my body in the ground. | |
3830 | By and by my body'll rise | |
3831 | To my spirit in the skies, | |
3832 | Soaring up to Heaven's gate. | |
3833 | 1878." | |
3834 | ||
3835 | "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, | |
3836 | aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous." | |
3837 | ||
3838 | "Affliction sore long time she boar, | |
3839 | Phisicians was in vain, | |
3840 | Till Deth released the dear deceased | |
3841 | And left her a remain. | |
3842 | Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." | |
3843 | ||
3844 | "The clay that rests beneath this stone | |
3845 | As Silas Wood was widely known. | |
3846 | Now, lying here, I ask what good | |
3847 | It was to let me be S. Wood. | |
3848 | O Man, let not ambition trouble you, | |
3849 | Is the advice of Silas W." | |
3850 | ||
3851 | "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had | |
3852 | the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." | |
3853 | ||
3854 | INSECTIVORA, n. | |
3855 | ||
3856 | "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, | |
3857 | "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" | |
3858 | "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: | |
3859 | For us He has provided wrens and swallows." | |
3860 | Sempen Railey | |
3861 | ||
3862 | INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player | |
3863 | is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating | |
3864 | the man who keeps the table. | |
3865 | ||
3866 | INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me | |
3867 | insure it. | |
3868 | HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so | |
3869 | low that by the time when, according to the tables of your | |
3870 | actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have | |
3871 | paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. | |
3872 | INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. | |
3873 | We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. | |
3874 | HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can _I_ afford _that_? | |
3875 | INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. | |
3876 | There was Smith's house, for example, which -- | |
3877 | HOUSE OWNER: Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the | |
3878 | contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which -- | |
3879 | INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_! | |
3880 | HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay | |
3881 | you money on the supposition that something will occur | |
3882 | previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In | |
3883 | other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last | |
3884 | so long as you say that it will probably last. | |
3885 | INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it | |
3886 | will be a total loss. | |
3887 | HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I | |
3888 | shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I | |
3889 | would otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than the | |
3890 | face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to | |
3891 | burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are | |
3892 | based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were | |
3893 | insured? | |
3894 | INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our | |
3895 | luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your | |
3896 | loss. | |
3897 | HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their | |
3898 | losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before | |
3899 | they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case | |
3900 | stands this way: you expect to take more money from your | |
3901 | clients than you pay to them, do you not? | |
3902 | INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not -- | |
3903 | HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well | |
3904 | then. If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body of | |
3905 | your clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_, | |
3906 | with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will. It is | |
3907 | these individual probabilities that make the aggregate | |
3908 | certainty. | |
3909 | INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it -- but look at the figures in | |
3910 | this pamph -- | |
3911 | HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid! | |
3912 | INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would | |
3913 | otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander | |
3914 | them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. | |
3915 | HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is | |
3916 | not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you | |
3917 | command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a | |
3918 | Deserving Object. | |
3919 | ||
3920 | INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure | |
3921 | to substitute misrule for bad government. | |
3922 | ||
3923 | INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of | |
3924 | influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, | |
3925 | immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. | |
3926 | ||
3927 | INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to | |
3928 | understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to | |
3929 | the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. | |
3930 | ||
3931 | INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is | |
3932 | governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment | |
3933 | of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most | |
3934 | unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm | |
3935 | again. | |
3936 | ||
3937 | INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for | |
3938 | their mutual destruction. | |
3939 | ||
3940 | Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue | |
3941 | And one in white, together drew | |
3942 | And having each a pleasant sense | |
3943 | Of t'other powder's excellence, | |
3944 | Forsook their jackets for the snug | |
3945 | Enjoyment of a common mug. | |
3946 | So close their intimacy grew | |
3947 | One paper would have held the two. | |
3948 | To confidences straight they fell, | |
3949 | Less anxious each to hear than tell; | |
3950 | Then each remorsefully confessed | |
3951 | To all the virtues he possessed, | |
3952 | Acknowledging he had them in | |
3953 | So high degree it was a sin. | |
3954 | The more they said, the more they felt | |
3955 | Their spirits with emotion melt, | |
3956 | Till tears of sentiment expressed | |
3957 | Their feelings. Then they effervesced! | |
3958 | So Nature executes her feats | |
3959 | Of wrath on friends and sympathetes | |
3960 | The good old rule who don't apply, | |
3961 | That you are you and I am I. | |
3962 | ||
3963 | INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the | |
3964 | gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The | |
3965 | introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, | |
3966 | being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every | |
3967 | American being the equal of every other American, it follows that | |
3968 | everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the | |
3969 | right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of | |
3970 | Independence should have read thus: | |
3971 | ||
3972 | "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are | |
3973 | created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain | |
3974 | inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to | |
3975 | make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an | |
3976 | incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the | |
3977 | liberty to introduce persons to one another without first | |
3978 | ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and | |
3979 | the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of | |
3980 | strangers." | |
3981 | ||
3982 | INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, | |
3983 | levers and springs, and believes it civilization. | |
3984 | ||
3985 | IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. | |
3986 | ||
3987 | ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. | |
3988 | ||
3989 | ||
3990 | J | |
3991 | ||
3992 | ||
3993 | J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel -- | |
3994 | than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has | |
3995 | been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and | |
3996 | it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, | |
3997 | _jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the | |
3998 | dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as | |
3999 | expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of | |
4000 | Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of | |
4001 | three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the | |
4002 | j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. | |
4003 | ||
4004 | JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which | |
4005 | can be lost only if not worth keeping. | |
4006 | ||
4007 | JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose | |
4008 | business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and | |
4009 | utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The | |
4010 | king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some | |
4011 | centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were | |
4012 | sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of | |
4013 | all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and | |
4014 | romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise | |
4015 | and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the | |
4016 | court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same | |
4017 | jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the | |
4018 | patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. | |
4019 | ||
4020 | The widow-queen of Portugal | |
4021 | Had an audacious jester | |
4022 | Who entered the confessional | |
4023 | Disguised, and there confessed her. | |
4024 | ||
4025 | "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down -- | |
4026 | My sins are more than scarlet: | |
4027 | I love my fool -- blaspheming clown, | |
4028 | And common, base-born varlet." | |
4029 | ||
4030 | "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, | |
4031 | "That sin, indeed, is awful: | |
4032 | The church's pardon is denied | |
4033 | To love that is unlawful. | |
4034 | ||
4035 | "But since thy stubborn heart will be | |
4036 | For him forever pleading, | |
4037 | Thou'dst better make him, by decree, | |
4038 | A man of birth and breeding." | |
4039 | ||
4040 | She made the fool a duke, in hope | |
4041 | With Heaven's taboo to palter; | |
4042 | Then told a priest, who told the Pope, | |
4043 | Who damned her from the altar! | |
4044 | Barel Dort | |
4045 | ||
4046 | JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with | |
4047 | the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. | |
4048 | ||
4049 | JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan | |
4050 | tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. | |
4051 | ||
4052 | JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition | |
4053 | the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes | |
4054 | and personal service. | |
4055 | ||
4056 | ||
4057 | K | |
4058 | ||
4059 | ||
4060 | ||
4061 | K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced | |
4062 | away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation | |
4063 | inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called | |
4064 | _Klatch_, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was | |
4065 | originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker | |
4066 | explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the | |
4067 | destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_ | |
4068 | 730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its | |
4069 | portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other | |
4070 | remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to | |
4071 | have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great | |
4072 | antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural -- not to say | |
4073 | touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. | |
4074 | It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional | |
4075 | mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one | |
4076 | of nature's pums. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no | |
4077 | objection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on | |
4078 | that side of the question. | |
4079 | ||
4080 | KEEP, v.t. | |
4081 | ||
4082 | He willed away his whole estate, | |
4083 | And then in death he fell asleep, | |
4084 | Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, | |
4085 | My name unblemished I shall keep." | |
4086 | But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought | |
4087 | Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught. | |
4088 | Durang Gophel Arn | |
4089 | ||
4090 | KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. | |
4091 | ||
4092 | KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and | |
4093 | Americans in Scotland. | |
4094 | ||
4095 | KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. | |
4096 | ||
4097 | KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," | |
4098 | although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. | |
4099 | ||
4100 | A king, in times long, long gone by, | |
4101 | Said to his lazy jester: | |
4102 | "If I were you and you were I | |
4103 | My moments merrily would fly -- | |
4104 | Nor care nor grief to pester." | |
4105 | ||
4106 | "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," | |
4107 | The fool said -- "if you'll hear it -- | |
4108 | Is that of all the fools alive | |
4109 | Who own you for their sovereign, I've | |
4110 | The most forgiving spirit." | |
4111 | Oogum Bem | |
4112 | ||
4113 | KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the | |
4114 | sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus 'the | |
4115 | most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the | |
4116 | ailing subjects and make them whole -- | |
4117 | ||
4118 | a crowd of wretched souls | |
4119 | That stay his cure: their malady convinces | |
4120 | The great essay of art; but at his touch, | |
4121 | Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, | |
4122 | They presently amend, | |
4123 | ||
4124 | as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This useful property of the | |
4125 | royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown | |
4126 | properties; for according to "Malcolm," | |
4127 | ||
4128 | 'tis spoken | |
4129 | To the succeeding royalty he leaves | |
4130 | The healing benediction. | |
4131 | ||
4132 | But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the | |
4133 | later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the | |
4134 | disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler | |
4135 | one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow. The date and author of the | |
4136 | following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but | |
4137 | it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national | |
4138 | disorder is not a thing of yesterday. | |
4139 | ||
4140 | Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, | |
4141 | Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. | |
4142 | He layde his hand on mine and sayd: | |
4143 | "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. | |
4144 | But O ye wofull plyght in wh. | |
4145 | I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche! | |
4146 | ||
4147 | The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is | |
4148 | dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of | |
4149 | custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and | |
4150 | shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great | |
4151 | dignitary bestows his healing salutation on | |
4152 | ||
4153 | strangely visited people, | |
4154 | All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, | |
4155 | The mere despair of surgery, | |
4156 | ||
4157 | he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once | |
4158 | was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of | |
4159 | men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which brings | |
4160 | the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms." | |
4161 | ||
4162 | KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is | |
4163 | supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony | |
4164 | appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its | |
4165 | performance is unknown to this lexicographer. | |
4166 | ||
4167 | KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. | |
4168 | ||
4169 | KNIGHT, n. | |
4170 | ||
4171 | Once a warrior gentle of birth, | |
4172 | Then a person of civic worth, | |
4173 | Now a fellow to move our mirth. | |
4174 | Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more: | |
4175 | We must knight our dogs to get any lower. | |
4176 | Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, | |
4177 | Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, | |
4178 | Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, | |
4179 | Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. | |
4180 | God speed the day when this knighting fad | |
4181 | Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. | |
4182 | ||
4183 | KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been | |
4184 | written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a | |
4185 | wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. | |
4186 | ||
4187 | ||
4188 | L | |
4189 | ||
4190 | ||
4191 | LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. | |
4192 | ||
4193 | LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The | |
4194 | theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control | |
4195 | is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the | |
4196 | superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some | |
4197 | have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own | |
4198 | implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass | |
4199 | are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that | |
4200 | if the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there will | |
4201 | be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to | |
4202 | exist. | |
4203 | ||
4204 | A life on the ocean wave, | |
4205 | A home on the rolling deep, | |
4206 | For the spark the nature gave | |
4207 | I have there the right to keep. | |
4208 | ||
4209 | They give me the cat-o'-nine | |
4210 | Whenever I go ashore. | |
4211 | Then ho! for the flashing brine -- | |
4212 | I'm a natural commodore! | |
4213 | Dodle | |
4214 | ||
4215 | LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding | |
4216 | another's treasure. | |
4217 | ||
4218 | LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest | |
4219 | of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. | |
4220 | The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the | |
4221 | serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as | |
4222 | one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human | |
4223 | intelligence over brute inertia. | |
4224 | ||
4225 | LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system -- an | |
4226 | admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly | |
4227 | useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and | |
4228 | heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, | |
4229 | imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's | |
4230 | substantial welfare. | |
4231 | ||
4232 | LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as | |
4233 | opportunity to the maker of puns. | |
4234 | ||
4235 | Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, | |
4236 | Where the cobbler is unknown, | |
4237 | So that I might forget his last | |
4238 | And hear your own. | |
4239 | Gargo Repsky | |
4240 | ||
4241 | LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the | |
4242 | features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious | |
4243 | and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter | |
4244 | is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals -- | |
4245 | these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, | |
4246 | but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in | |
4247 | bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to | |
4248 | animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has | |
4249 | not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that | |
4250 | the infection character of laughter is due to the instantaneous | |
4251 | fermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he | |
4252 | names the disorder _Convulsio spargens_. | |
4253 | ||
4254 | LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the | |
4255 | Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as | |
4256 | dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal | |
4257 | funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had | |
4258 | the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and | |
4259 | cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense | |
4260 | which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the | |
4261 | aspect of a national crime. | |
4262 | ||
4263 | LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and | |
4264 | formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as | |
4265 | had influence at court. (_Vide supra._) | |
4266 | ||
4267 | LAW, n. | |
4268 | ||
4269 | Once Law was sitting on the bench, | |
4270 | And Mercy knelt a-weeping. | |
4271 | "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! | |
4272 | Nor come before me creeping. | |
4273 | Upon your knees if you appear, | |
4274 | 'Tis plain your have no standing here." | |
4275 | ||
4276 | Then Justice came. His Honor cried: | |
4277 | "_Your_ status? -- devil seize you!" | |
4278 | "_Amica curiae,_" she replied -- | |
4279 | "Friend of the court, so please you." | |
4280 | "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door -- | |
4281 | I never saw your face before!" | |
4282 | G.J. | |
4283 | ||
4284 | LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. | |
4285 | ||
4286 | LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. | |
4287 | ||
4288 | LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. | |
4289 | ||
4290 | LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to | |
4291 | light lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but other | |
4292 | men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an | |
4293 | argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong | |
4294 | way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international | |
4295 | controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is | |
4296 | precipitated in great quantities. | |
4297 | ||
4298 | Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great | |
4299 | And universal arbiter; endowed | |
4300 | With penetration to pierce any cloud | |
4301 | Fogging the field of controversial hate, | |
4302 | And with a sift, inevitable, straight, | |
4303 | Searching precision find the unavowed | |
4304 | But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed | |
4305 | By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. | |
4306 | O useful metal! -- were it not for thee | |
4307 | We'd grapple one another's ears alway: | |
4308 | But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee | |
4309 | We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." | |
4310 | And when the quick have run away like pellets | |
4311 | Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. | |
4312 | ||
4313 | LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. | |
4314 | ||
4315 | LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear | |
4316 | and his faith in your patience. | |
4317 | ||
4318 | LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of | |
4319 | tears. | |
4320 | ||
4321 | LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in | |
4322 | which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as | |
4323 | in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: | |
4324 | ||
4325 | The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. | |
4326 | Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" | |
4327 | ||
4328 | It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to | |
4329 | teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses | |
4330 | are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to | |
4331 | find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a | |
4332 | rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. | |
4333 | ||
4334 | LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says that | |
4335 | pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the | |
4336 | good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man | |
4337 | has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the | |
4338 | appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being | |
4339 | reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire | |
4340 | comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to | |
4341 | shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to | |
4342 | the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, | |
4343 | salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with | |
4344 | sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an | |
4345 | intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song." | |
4346 | ||
4347 | LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some | |
4348 | suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished | |
4349 | ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with | |
4350 | considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus | |
4351 | Polandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria pseudo-hirsuta_. For an | |
4352 | exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous | |
4353 | monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_. | |
4354 | ||
4355 | LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of | |
4356 | recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does | |
4357 | what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and | |
4358 | mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his | |
4359 | dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas | |
4360 | his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural | |
4361 | servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial | |
4362 | power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a | |
4363 | chronicle as if it were a statue. Let the dictionary (for example) | |
4364 | mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men | |
4365 | thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however | |
4366 | desirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the process of | |
4367 | improverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, | |
4368 | recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow | |
4369 | at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has | |
4370 | no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" | |
4371 | -- although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven | |
4372 | forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in the | |
4373 | dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when | |
4374 | from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own | |
4375 | meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a | |
4376 | Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end | |
4377 | and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy | |
4378 | preservation -- sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion -- the | |
4379 | lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which | |
4380 | his Creator had not created him to create. | |
4381 | ||
4382 | God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," | |
4383 | And lexicographers arose, a swarm! | |
4384 | Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, | |
4385 | And catalogued each garment in a book. | |
4386 | Now, from her leafy covert when she cries: | |
4387 | "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise | |
4388 | And scan the list, and say without compassion: | |
4389 | "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion." | |
4390 | Sigismund Smith | |
4391 | ||
4392 | LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. | |
4393 | ||
4394 | LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. | |
4395 | ||
4396 | The rising People, hot and out of breath, | |
4397 | Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" | |
4398 | "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; | |
4399 | You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." | |
4400 | Martha Braymance | |
4401 | ||
4402 | LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing | |
4403 | a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the | |
4404 | blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the | |
4405 | lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the | |
4406 | latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling | |
4407 | is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a | |
4408 | confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and | |
4409 | the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will | |
4410 | cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. | |
4411 | ||
4412 | LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live | |
4413 | in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. | |
4414 | The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; | |
4415 | particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written | |
4416 | at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of | |
4417 | the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of | |
4418 | successful controversy. | |
4419 | ||
4420 | "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," | |
4421 | Carelessly caroled the golden youth. | |
4422 | In manhood still he maintained that view | |
4423 | And held it more strongly the older he grew. | |
4424 | When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, | |
4425 | "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. | |
4426 | Han Soper | |
4427 | ||
4428 | LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the | |
4429 | government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. | |
4430 | ||
4431 | LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. | |
4432 | ||
4433 | 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, | |
4434 | And the salesman laced them tight | |
4435 | To a very remarkable height -- | |
4436 | Higher, indeed, than I think he ought -- | |
4437 | Higher than _can_ be right. | |
4438 | For the Bible declares -- but never mind: | |
4439 | It is hardly fit | |
4440 | To censure freely and fault to find | |
4441 | With others for sins that I'm not inclined | |
4442 | Myself to commit. | |
4443 | Each has his weakness, and though my own | |
4444 | Is freedom from every sin, | |
4445 | It still were unfair to pitch in, | |
4446 | Discharging the first censorious stone. | |
4447 | Besides, the truth compels me to say, | |
4448 | The boots in question were _made_ that way. | |
4449 | As he drew the lace she made a grimace, | |
4450 | And blushingly said to him: | |
4451 | "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, | |
4452 | It hurts my -- hurts my -- limb." | |
4453 | The salesman smiled in a manner mild, | |
4454 | Like an artless, undesigning child; | |
4455 | Then, checking himself, to his face he gave | |
4456 | A look as sorrowful as the grave, | |
4457 | Though he didn't care two figs | |
4458 | For her paints and throes, | |
4459 | As he stroked her toes, | |
4460 | Remarking with speech and manner just | |
4461 | Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust | |
4462 | That it doesn't hurt your twigs." | |
4463 | B. Percival Dike | |
4464 | ||
4465 | LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, | |
4466 | entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman. | |
4467 | ||
4468 | LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of | |
4469 | retaining his bones. | |
4470 | ||
4471 | LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of | |
4472 | as a sausage. | |
4473 | ||
4474 | LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be | |
4475 | bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary | |
4476 | anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to | |
4477 | infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side | |
4478 | of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time | |
4479 | considered the seat of life; hence its name -- liver, the thing we | |
4480 | live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it | |
4481 | that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_. | |
4482 | ||
4483 | LL.D. Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one | |
4484 | learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast | |
4485 | upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._, | |
4486 | and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At | |
4487 | the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the | |
4488 | expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old | |
4489 | D.D. -- _Damnator Diaboli_. The new honor will be known as _Sanctorum | |
4490 | Custus_, and written _$$c_. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been | |
4491 | suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who | |
4492 | points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the | |
4493 | advantage of a degree. | |
4494 | ||
4495 | LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and | |
4496 | enlightenment. | |
4497 | ||
4498 | LODGER, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that | |
4499 | delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. | |
4500 | ||
4501 | LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with | |
4502 | the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The | |
4503 | basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor | |
4504 | premise and a conclusion -- thus: | |
4505 | _Major Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as | |
4506 | quickly as one man. | |
4507 | _Minor Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; | |
4508 | therefore -- | |
4509 | _Conclusion_: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. | |
4510 | This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by | |
4511 | combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are | |
4512 | twice blessed. | |
4513 | ||
4514 | LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds | |
4515 | punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest in | |
4516 | which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is | |
4517 | denied the reward of success. | |
4518 | ||
4519 | 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men | |
4520 | That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. | |
4521 | Alas! we cannot know if this is true, | |
4522 | For reading Milton's wit we perish too. | |
4523 | ||
4524 | LOGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance | |
4525 | while maturing a plan of revenge. | |
4526 | ||
4527 | LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. | |
4528 | ||
4529 | LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting | |
4530 | show for man's disillusion given. | |
4531 | The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso | |
4532 | looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain | |
4533 | courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby | |
4534 | enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: | |
4535 | "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of | |
4536 | thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, | |
4537 | prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign | |
4538 | countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of | |
4539 | the Universe!" | |
4540 | Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be | |
4541 | conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither | |
4542 | without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but | |
4543 | idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with | |
4544 | cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the | |
4545 | glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, | |
4546 | he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and | |
4547 | that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this | |
4548 | was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his | |
4549 | image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody | |
4550 | bandage on one of its hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all who | |
4551 | had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught | |
4552 | wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the | |
4553 | mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with | |
4554 | justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while | |
4555 | on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure | |
4556 | of an angel, which remains to this day. | |
4557 | ||
4558 | LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb | |
4559 | his tongue when you wish to talk. | |
4560 | ||
4561 | LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a | |
4562 | costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The | |
4563 | traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry | |
4564 | Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, | |
4565 | as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather | |
4566 | flattery than true reverence. | |
4567 | ||
4568 | Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, | |
4569 | Wedded a wandering English lord -- | |
4570 | Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," | |
4571 | A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. | |
4572 | Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare | |
4573 | Unworthy the father-in-legal care | |
4574 | Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth | |
4575 | That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; | |
4576 | For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage | |
4577 | Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. | |
4578 | Among them, cupidity caused him to urge | |
4579 | Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, | |
4580 | Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw | |
4581 | Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, | |
4582 | And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, | |
4583 | To the business of being a lord himself. | |
4584 | His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed | |
4585 | And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; | |
4586 | Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear | |
4587 | A whisker that looked like a blasted career. | |
4588 | He painted his neck an incarnadine hue | |
4589 | Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. | |
4590 | The moony monocular set in his eye | |
4591 | Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. | |
4592 | His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, | |
4593 | And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. | |
4594 | In speech he eschewed his American ways, | |
4595 | Denying his nose to the use of his A's | |
4596 | And dulling their edge till the delicate sense | |
4597 | Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. | |
4598 | His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly sweet, | |
4599 | The patter they made as they fell at his feet! | |
4600 | Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear | |
4601 | Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. | |
4602 | Alas, the Divinity shaping his end | |
4603 | Entertained other views and decided to send | |
4604 | His lordship in horror, despair and dismay | |
4605 | From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. | |
4606 | For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde | |
4607 | Fell -- suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad! | |
4608 | G.J. | |
4609 | ||
4610 | LORE, n. Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived from | |
4611 | a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult | |
4612 | books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore | |
4613 | and embraces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's | |
4614 | _Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of these | |
4615 | traced backward, through various people son converging lines, toward a | |
4616 | common origin in remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of | |
4617 | "Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little | |
4618 | Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The | |
4619 | Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The | |
4620 | fable with Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl- | |
4621 | King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the | |
4622 | Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths | |
4623 | is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." | |
4624 | ||
4625 | LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the | |
4626 | latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his | |
4627 | election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost | |
4628 | his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the | |
4629 | word is used in the famous epitaph: | |
4630 | ||
4631 | Here Huntington's ashes long have lain | |
4632 | Whose loss is our eternal gain, | |
4633 | For while he exercised all his powers | |
4634 | Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. | |
4635 | ||
4636 | LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of | |
4637 | the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. | |
4638 | This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only | |
4639 | among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous | |
4640 | nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from | |
4641 | its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the | |
4642 | physician than to the patient. | |
4643 | ||
4644 | LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. | |
4645 | ||
4646 | LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not | |
4647 | writing about it. | |
4648 | ||
4649 | LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from | |
4650 | Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been | |
4651 | described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much | |
4652 | agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity | |
4653 | with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill | |
4654 | tribes of Vermont. | |
4655 | ||
4656 | LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a | |
4657 | figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following | |
4658 | fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: | |
4659 | ||
4660 | I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, | |
4661 | And pick with care the disobedient wire. | |
4662 | That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook | |
4663 | With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. | |
4664 | I bide my time, and it shall come at length, | |
4665 | When, with a Titan's energy and strength, | |
4666 | I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, | |
4667 | The word shall suffer when I let them go! | |
4668 | Farquharson Harris | |
4669 | ||
4670 | ||
4671 | M | |
4672 | ||
4673 | ||
4674 | MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a | |
4675 | heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from | |
4676 | dissent. | |
4677 | ||
4678 | MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling | |
4679 | one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. | |
4680 | ||
4681 | So plain the advantages of machination | |
4682 | It constitutes a moral obligation, | |
4683 | And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing | |
4684 | Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. | |
4685 | So prospers still the diplomatic art, | |
4686 | And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. | |
4687 | R.S.K. | |
4688 | ||
4689 | MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. | |
4690 | History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old | |
4691 | Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A | |
4692 | Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he | |
4693 | had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. | |
4694 | Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he | |
4695 | could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a | |
4696 | linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five | |
4697 | hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie. | |
4698 | There are instances of longevity (_macrobiosis_) in our own country. | |
4699 | Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of | |
4700 | _The American_, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes | |
4701 | back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The | |
4702 | President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the | |
4703 | friends of his youth have risen to high political and military | |
4704 | preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses | |
4705 | following were written by a macrobian: | |
4706 | ||
4707 | When I was young the world was fair | |
4708 | And amiable and sunny. | |
4709 | A brightness was in all the air, | |
4710 | In all the waters, honey. | |
4711 | The jokes were fine and funny, | |
4712 | The statesmen honest in their views, | |
4713 | And in their lives, as well, | |
4714 | And when you heard a bit of news | |
4715 | 'Twas true enough to tell. | |
4716 | Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking, | |
4717 | Nor women "generally speaking." | |
4718 | ||
4719 | The Summer then was long indeed: | |
4720 | It lasted one whole season! | |
4721 | The sparkling Winter gave no heed | |
4722 | When ordered by Unreason | |
4723 | To bring the early peas on. | |
4724 | Now, where the dickens is the sense | |
4725 | In calling that a year | |
4726 | Which does no more than just commence | |
4727 | Before the end is near? | |
4728 | When I was young the year extended | |
4729 | From month to month until it ended. | |
4730 | ||
4731 | I know not why the world has changed | |
4732 | To something dark and dreary, | |
4733 | And everything is now arranged | |
4734 | To make a fellow weary. | |
4735 | The Weather Man -- I fear he | |
4736 | Has much to do with it, for, sure, | |
4737 | The air is not the same: | |
4738 | It chokes you when it is impure, | |
4739 | When pure it makes you lame. | |
4740 | With windows closed you are asthmatic; | |
4741 | Open, neuralgic or sciatic. | |
4742 | ||
4743 | Well, I suppose this new regime | |
4744 | Of dun degeneration | |
4745 | Seems eviler than it would seem | |
4746 | To a better observation, | |
4747 | And has for compensation | |
4748 | Some blessings in a deep disguise | |
4749 | Which mortal sight has failed | |
4750 | To pierce, although to angels' eyes | |
4751 | They're visible unveiled. | |
4752 | If Age is such a boon, good land! | |
4753 | He's costumed by a master hand! | |
4754 | Venable Strigg | |
4755 | ||
4756 | MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; | |
4757 | not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by | |
4758 | the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; | |
4759 | in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad | |
4760 | by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For | |
4761 | illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no | |
4762 | firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any | |
4763 | madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead | |
4764 | of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he | |
4765 | may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum | |
4766 | and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many | |
4767 | thoughtless spectators. | |
4768 | ||
4769 | MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found | |
4770 | out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary | |
4771 | of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by | |
4772 | St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of | |
4773 | Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is | |
4774 | pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly | |
4775 | sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for | |
4776 | Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of | |
4777 | revisers. | |
4778 | ||
4779 | MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are | |
4780 | other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet | |
4781 | lexicographer does not name them. | |
4782 | ||
4783 | MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. | |
4784 | ||
4785 | MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. | |
4786 | The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the | |
4787 | works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the | |
4788 | subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of | |
4789 | human knowledge. | |
4790 | ||
4791 | MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to | |
4792 | which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, | |
4793 | or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. | |
4794 | ||
4795 | MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is | |
4796 | large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased | |
4797 | in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was | |
4798 | before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be | |
4799 | larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the | |
4800 | relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the | |
4801 | astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. | |
4802 | For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a | |
4803 | small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life- | |
4804 | fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures | |
4805 | peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper | |
4806 | emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these | |
4807 | to another. | |
4808 | ||
4809 | MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone | |
4810 | that it might be taught to talk. | |
4811 | ||
4812 | MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless | |
4813 | conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide | |
4814 | geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored | |
4815 | wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, | |
4816 | nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though | |
4817 | in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with | |
4818 | regard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field | |
4819 | by the canary -- which, also, is more portable. | |
4820 | ||
4821 | A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang -- | |
4822 | This quaint, sweet song sang she; | |
4823 | "It's O for a youth with a football bang | |
4824 | And a muscle fair to see! | |
4825 | The Captain he | |
4826 | Of a team to be! | |
4827 | On the gridiron he shall shine, | |
4828 | A monarch by right divine, | |
4829 | And never to roast on it -- me!" | |
4830 | Opoline Jones | |
4831 | ||
4832 | MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just | |
4833 | contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great | |
4834 | Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders | |
4835 | of republican America. | |
4836 | ||
4837 | MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male | |
4838 | of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The | |
4839 | genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. | |
4840 | ||
4841 | MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. | |
4842 | ||
4843 | MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus | |
4844 | believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could | |
4845 | not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the | |
4846 | Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers | |
4847 | have been of the same way of thinking. | |
4848 | ||
4849 | MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a | |
4850 | state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened | |
4851 | put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. | |
4852 | ||
4853 | MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple | |
4854 | is in the holy city of New York. | |
4855 | ||
4856 | He swore that all other religions were gammon, | |
4857 | And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. | |
4858 | Jared Oopf | |
4859 | ||
4860 | MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he | |
4861 | thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His | |
4862 | chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own | |
4863 | species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to | |
4864 | infest the whole habitable earh and Canada. | |
4865 | ||
4866 | When the world was young and Man was new, | |
4867 | And everything was pleasant, | |
4868 | Distinctions Nature never drew | |
4869 | 'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. | |
4870 | We're not that way at present, | |
4871 | Save here in this Republic, where | |
4872 | We have that old regime, | |
4873 | For all are kings, however bare | |
4874 | Their backs, howe'er extreme | |
4875 | Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice | |
4876 | To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. | |
4877 | ||
4878 | A citizen who would not vote, | |
4879 | And, therefore, was detested, | |
4880 | Was one day with a tarry coat | |
4881 | (With feathers backed and breasted) | |
4882 | By patriots invested. | |
4883 | "It is your duty," cried the crowd, | |
4884 | "Your ballot true to cast | |
4885 | For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, | |
4886 | And explained his wicked past: | |
4887 | "That's what I very gladly would have done, | |
4888 | Dear patriots, but he has never run." | |
4889 | Apperton Duke | |
4890 | ||
4891 | MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in | |
4892 | a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had | |
4893 | exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been | |
4894 | particularly happy afterward. | |
4895 | ||
4896 | MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare | |
4897 | between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians | |
4898 | joined the victorious Opposition. | |
4899 | ||
4900 | MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the | |
4901 | wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled | |
4902 | down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies | |
4903 | of the original occupants. | |
4904 | ||
4905 | MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a | |
4906 | master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. | |
4907 | ||
4908 | MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a | |
4909 | desired death. | |
4910 | ||
4911 | MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an | |
4912 | imaginary one. Important. | |
4913 | ||
4914 | Material things I know, or fell, or see; | |
4915 | All else is immaterial to me. | |
4916 | Jamrach Holobom | |
4917 | ||
4918 | MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich. | |
4919 | ||
4920 | MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a | |
4921 | state religion. | |
4922 | ||
4923 | ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in | |
4924 | English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the | |
4925 | oppressive. Each is all three. | |
4926 | ||
4927 | MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the | |
4928 | ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of | |
4929 | Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing | |
4930 | when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. | |
4931 | ||
4932 | MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, | |
4933 | attainments or services more or less authentic. | |
4934 | It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for | |
4935 | gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of | |
4936 | the medal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." And sometimes he | |
4937 | didn't. | |
4938 | ||
4939 | MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway. | |
4940 | ||
4941 | MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth | |
4942 | while. | |
4943 | ||
4944 | M is for Moses, | |
4945 | Who slew the Egyptian. | |
4946 | As sweet as a rose is | |
4947 | The meekness of Moses. | |
4948 | No monument shows his | |
4949 | Post-mortem inscription, | |
4950 | But M is for Moses | |
4951 | Who slew the Egyptian. | |
4952 | _The Biographical Alphabet_ | |
4953 | MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed | |
4954 | to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in | |
4955 | coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen | |
4956 | engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been | |
4957 | disclosed by the manufacturers. | |
4958 | ||
4959 | There was a youth (you've heard before, | |
4960 | This woeful tale, may be), | |
4961 | Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore | |
4962 | That color it would he! | |
4963 | ||
4964 | He shut himself from the world away, | |
4965 | Nor any soul he saw. | |
4966 | He smoke by night, he smoked by day, | |
4967 | As hard as he could draw. | |
4968 | ||
4969 | His dog died moaning in the wrath | |
4970 | Of winds that blew aloof; | |
4971 | The weeds were in the gravel path, | |
4972 | The owl was on the roof. | |
4973 | ||
4974 | "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," | |
4975 | The neighbors sadly say. | |
4976 | And so they batter in the door | |
4977 | To take his goods away. | |
4978 | ||
4979 | Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, | |
4980 | Nut-brown in face and limb. | |
4981 | "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, | |
4982 | "But it has colored him!" | |
4983 | ||
4984 | The moral there's small need to sing -- | |
4985 | 'Tis plain as day to you: | |
4986 | Don't play your game on any thing | |
4987 | That is a gamester too. | |
4988 | Martin Bulstrode | |
4989 | ||
4990 | MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. | |
4991 | ||
4992 | MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial | |
4993 | pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. | |
4994 | ||
4995 | MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. | |
4996 | ||
4997 | MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage | |
4998 | and asked Incredulity to dinner. | |
4999 | ||
5000 | METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. | |
5001 | ||
5002 | MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be | |
5003 | screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. | |
5004 | ||
5005 | MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its | |
5006 | chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, | |
5007 | the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing | |
5008 | but itself to know itself with. From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown | |
5009 | to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor | |
5010 | over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_," | |
5011 | emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's | |
5012 | conscia recti." | |
5013 | ||
5014 | MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. | |
5015 | ||
5016 | MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. | |
5017 | In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible | |
5018 | embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification | |
5019 | is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. | |
5020 | ||
5021 | MINOR, adj. Less objectionable. | |
5022 | ||
5023 | MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with | |
5024 | a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can | |
5025 | bear. | |
5026 | ||
5027 | MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and | |
5028 | unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with | |
5029 | four aces and a king. | |
5030 | ||
5031 | MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. | |
5032 | Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present | |
5033 | signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to | |
5034 | the development of our language. | |
5035 | ||
5036 | MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a | |
5037 | felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal | |
5038 | society. | |
5039 | ||
5040 | By misdemeanors he essays to climb | |
5041 | Into the aristocracy of crime. | |
5042 | O, woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand | |
5043 | "Captains of industry" refused his hand, | |
5044 | "Kings of finance" denied him recognition | |
5045 | And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. | |
5046 | He robbed a bank to make himself respected. | |
5047 | They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. | |
5048 | S.V. Hanipur | |
5049 | ||
5050 | MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the | |
5051 | foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. | |
5052 | ||
5053 | MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. | |
5054 | ||
5055 | MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate | |
5056 | that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are | |
5057 | the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound | |
5058 | and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In | |
5059 | the general abolition of social titles in this our country they | |
5060 | miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be | |
5061 | consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest | |
5062 | Mush, abbreviated to Mh. | |
5063 | ||
5064 | MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is | |
5065 | distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit | |
5066 | of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, | |
5067 | indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the | |
5068 | structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the | |
5069 | atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of | |
5070 | precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the | |
5071 | condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific | |
5072 | thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the | |
5073 | molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth | |
5074 | theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more | |
5075 | about the matter than the others. | |
5076 | ||
5077 | MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See | |
5078 | _Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to | |
5079 | be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without | |
5080 | manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of | |
5081 | considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which | |
5082 | the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentlmean. | |
5083 | Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities | |
5084 | needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class | |
5085 | -- altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be | |
5086 | confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern | |
5087 | him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct | |
5088 | species. | |
5089 | ||
5090 | MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch | |
5091 | ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects | |
5092 | have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has | |
5093 | still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the | |
5094 | disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political | |
5095 | administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being | |
5096 | somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his | |
5097 | own head. | |
5098 | ||
5099 | MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government. | |
5100 | ||
5101 | MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. | |
5102 | ||
5103 | MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we | |
5104 | part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite | |
5105 | society. Supportable property. | |
5106 | ||
5107 | MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in | |
5108 | genealogical trees. | |
5109 | ||
5110 | MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary | |
5111 | babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound | |
5112 | by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon -- that is | |
5113 | to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable | |
5114 | of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. | |
5115 | ||
5116 | The man who writes in Saxon | |
5117 | Is the man to use an ax on | |
5118 | Judibras | |
5119 | ||
5120 | MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of | |
5121 | our religion overlooked the advantages. | |
5122 | ||
5123 | MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which | |
5124 | either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. | |
5125 | ||
5126 | The bones of Agammemnon are a show, | |
5127 | And ruined is his royal monument, | |
5128 | ||
5129 | but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The | |
5130 | monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments "to the | |
5131 | unknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of | |
5132 | those who have left no memory. | |
5133 | ||
5134 | MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. | |
5135 | Having the quality of general expediency. | |
5136 | ||
5137 | It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on | |
5138 | one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other | |
5139 | syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much | |
5140 | conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act | |
5141 | as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. | |
5142 | _Gooke's Meditations_ | |
5143 | ||
5144 | MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. | |
5145 | ||
5146 | MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in | |
5147 | Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in | |
5148 | Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female | |
5149 | heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only | |
5150 | Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs | |
5151 | met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even | |
5152 | attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by | |
5153 | declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, | |
5154 | some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from | |
5155 | lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of | |
5156 | the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths | |
5157 | lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical | |
5158 | figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to a | |
5159 | lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue. | |
5160 | ||
5161 | MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in | |
5162 | New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell | |
5163 | muskeeter. | |
5164 | ||
5165 | MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of | |
5166 | the heart. | |
5167 | ||
5168 | MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted | |
5169 | to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. | |
5170 | ||
5171 | MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. | |
5172 | ||
5173 | MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In | |
5174 | a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a multitude | |
5175 | of consellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of | |
5176 | equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be | |
5177 | that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting | |
5178 | together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere -- as well say | |
5179 | that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains | |
5180 | composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey | |
5181 | him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. | |
5182 | ||
5183 | MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern | |
5184 | civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with | |
5185 | an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the | |
5186 | vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower | |
5187 | animals. | |
5188 | ||
5189 | By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, | |
5190 | Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. | |
5191 | We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, | |
5192 | Distil him for physic and grind him for paint, | |
5193 | Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame, | |
5194 | And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. | |
5195 | O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme: | |
5196 | For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? | |
5197 | Scopas Brune | |
5198 | ||
5199 | MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English | |
5200 | society, the American wife of an English nobleman. | |
5201 | ||
5202 | MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles -- particularly when he didn't | |
5203 | lead. | |
5204 | ||
5205 | MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its | |
5206 | origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished | |
5207 | from the true accounts which it invents later. | |
5208 | ||
5209 | ||
5210 | N | |
5211 | ||
5212 | ||
5213 | NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The | |
5214 | secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe | |
5215 | that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. | |
5216 | ||
5217 | Juno drank a cup of nectar, | |
5218 | But the draught did not affect her. | |
5219 | Juno drank a cup of rye -- | |
5220 | Then she bad herself good-bye. | |
5221 | J.G. | |
5222 | ||
5223 | NEGRO, n. The _piece de resistance_ in the American political | |
5224 | problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to | |
5225 | build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, | |
5226 | appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. | |
5227 | ||
5228 | NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who | |
5229 | does all he knows how to make us disobedient. | |
5230 | ||
5231 | NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of | |
5232 | the party. | |
5233 | ||
5234 | NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented | |
5235 | by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but | |
5236 | was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so | |
5237 | far as to be able to say when. | |
5238 | ||
5239 | NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but | |
5240 | Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. | |
5241 | ||
5242 | NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable | |
5243 | annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to | |
5244 | understand it. | |
5245 | ||
5246 | NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious | |
5247 | to incur social distinction and suffer high life. | |
5248 | ||
5249 | NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief | |
5250 | product and authenticating sign of civilization. | |
5251 | ||
5252 | NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To | |
5253 | put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting | |
5254 | of the opposition. | |
5255 | ||
5256 | NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of | |
5257 | private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public | |
5258 | office. | |
5259 | ||
5260 | NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker. | |
5261 | ||
5262 | NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent | |
5263 | dictionary. | |
5264 | ||
5265 | NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that | |
5266 | great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the | |
5267 | age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed | |
5268 | that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of | |
5269 | others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that | |
5270 | the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. | |
5271 | ||
5272 | There's a man with a Nose, | |
5273 | And wherever he goes | |
5274 | The people run from him and shout: | |
5275 | "No cotton have we | |
5276 | For our ears if so be | |
5277 | He blow that interminous snout!" | |
5278 | ||
5279 | So the lawyers applied | |
5280 | For injunction. "Denied," | |
5281 | Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, | |
5282 | Whate'er it portend, | |
5283 | Appears to transcend | |
5284 | The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." | |
5285 | Arpad Singiny | |
5286 | ||
5287 | NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The | |
5288 | kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A | |
5289 | Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending | |
5290 | and descending. | |
5291 | ||
5292 | NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which | |
5293 | merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is | |
5294 | a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of | |
5295 | reasoning -- which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and | |
5296 | exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the | |
5297 | endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah | |
5298 | (therefore) for the noumenon! | |
5299 | ||
5300 | NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the | |
5301 | same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is | |
5302 | too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its | |
5303 | successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity, | |
5304 | totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read | |
5305 | all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. | |
5306 | To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its | |
5307 | distinguishing principle, probability, corresponds to the literal | |
5308 | actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category | |
5309 | of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to | |
5310 | mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; | |
5311 | and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, | |
5312 | imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it | |
5313 | was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace | |
5314 | to its ashes -- some of which have a large sale. | |
5315 | ||
5316 | NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. | |
5317 | ||
5318 | ||
5319 | O | |
5320 | ||
5321 | ||
5322 | OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the | |
5323 | conscience by a penalty for perjury. | |
5324 | ||
5325 | OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from | |
5326 | struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. | |
5327 | Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet | |
5328 | their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory | |
5329 | without an alarm clock. | |
5330 | ||
5331 | OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses | |
5332 | of their predecessors. | |
5333 | ||
5334 | OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and | |
5335 | other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. | |
5336 | Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for | |
5337 | every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently | |
5338 | seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally | |
5339 | driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the | |
5340 | peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a | |
5341 | woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a | |
5342 | hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap | |
5343 | higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in | |
5344 | Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the | |
5345 | soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The | |
5346 | soldier, unfortunately, did not. | |
5347 | ||
5348 | OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. | |
5349 | A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter | |
5350 | an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a | |
5351 | good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good | |
5352 | enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward | |
5353 | "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as | |
5354 | anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete | |
5355 | and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and | |
5356 | sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the | |
5357 | vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a | |
5358 | competent reader. | |
5359 | ||
5360 | OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the | |
5361 | splendor and stress of our advocacy. | |
5362 | The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most | |
5363 | intelligent animal. | |
5364 | ||
5365 | OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, | |
5366 | however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase | |
5367 | "occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such | |
5368 | as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict | |
5369 | us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no | |
5370 | reference to irregular recurrence. | |
5371 | ||
5372 | OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the | |
5373 | Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of | |
5374 | the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, | |
5375 | which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are | |
5376 | the principal industries of the Orient. | |
5377 | ||
5378 | OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made | |
5379 | for man -- who has no gills. | |
5380 | ||
5381 | OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as | |
5382 | the advance of an army against its enemy. | |
5383 | "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should | |
5384 | say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't | |
5385 | come out of his works!" | |
5386 | ||
5387 | OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with | |
5388 | general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse of time | |
5389 | and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book. | |
5390 | ||
5391 | "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. | |
5392 | "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." | |
5393 | Nature herself approves the Goby rule | |
5394 | And gives us every moment a fresh fool. | |
5395 | Harley Shum | |
5396 | ||
5397 | OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. | |
5398 | Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as | |
5399 | "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever | |
5400 | afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the | |
5401 | vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies | |
5402 | have only to find it. | |
5403 | ||
5404 | OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by | |
5405 | gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and | |
5406 | mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his | |
5407 | appetite. | |
5408 | ||
5409 | His name the smirking tourist scrawls | |
5410 | Upon Minerva's temple walls, | |
5411 | Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, | |
5412 | And marks his appetite's abuse. | |
5413 | Averil Joop | |
5414 | ||
5415 | OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. | |
5416 | ||
5417 | ONCE, adv. Enough. | |
5418 | ||
5419 | OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose | |
5420 | inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no | |
5421 | postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word | |
5422 | _simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for | |
5423 | his model _Simia audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the ape | |
5424 | that howls. | |
5425 | ||
5426 | The actor apes a man -- at least in shape; | |
5427 | The opera performer apes and ape. | |
5428 | ||
5429 | OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into | |
5430 | the jail yard. | |
5431 | ||
5432 | OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. | |
5433 | ||
5434 | OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. | |
5435 | ||
5436 | How lonely he who thinks to vex | |
5437 | With bandinage the Solemn Sex! | |
5438 | Of levity, Mere Man, beware; | |
5439 | None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. | |
5440 | Percy P. Orminder | |
5441 | ||
5442 | OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from | |
5443 | running amuck by hamstringing it. | |
5444 | The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of | |
5445 | government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members | |
5446 | of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of | |
5447 | these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister | |
5448 | carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. | |
5449 | Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. | |
5450 | Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that | |
5451 | if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their | |
5452 | heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. | |
5453 | "What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions | |
5454 | cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition." | |
5455 | "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is | |
5456 | true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all | |
5457 | is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust." | |
5458 | So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition | |
5459 | embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and | |
5460 | nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the | |
5461 | nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was | |
5462 | defeated -- the members of the Government party had not been nailed to | |
5463 | their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put | |
5464 | to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, | |
5465 | and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished | |
5466 | from Ghargaroo. | |
5467 | ||
5468 | OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, | |
5469 | including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and | |
5470 | everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by | |
5471 | those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and | |
5472 | is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a | |
5473 | blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an | |
5474 | intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is | |
5475 | hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. | |
5476 | ||
5477 | OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. | |
5478 | A pessimist applied to God for relief. | |
5479 | "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. | |
5480 | "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that | |
5481 | would justify them." | |
5482 | "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked | |
5483 | something -- the mortality of the optimist." | |
5484 | ||
5485 | ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the | |
5486 | understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. | |
5487 | ||
5488 | ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of | |
5489 | filial ingratitude -- a privation appealing with a particular | |
5490 | eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the | |
5491 | orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of | |
5492 | its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place. It | |
5493 | is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and | |
5494 | eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or | |
5495 | scullery maid. | |
5496 | ||
5497 | ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke. | |
5498 | ||
5499 | ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the | |
5500 | ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every | |
5501 | asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since | |
5502 | the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to | |
5503 | be conceded hereafter. | |
5504 | ||
5505 | A spelling reformer indicted | |
5506 | For fudge was before the court cicted. | |
5507 | The judge said: "Enough -- | |
5508 | His candle we'll snough, | |
5509 | And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." | |
5510 | ||
5511 | OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature | |
5512 | has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have | |
5513 | seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working | |
5514 | pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, | |
5515 | the ostrich does not fly. | |
5516 | ||
5517 | OTHERWISE, adv. No better. | |
5518 | ||
5519 | OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of | |
5520 | intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom | |
5521 | of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal | |
5522 | nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the | |
5523 | doer had when he performed it. | |
5524 | ||
5525 | OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy. | |
5526 | ||
5527 | OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no | |
5528 | government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire | |
5529 | poets. | |
5530 | ||
5531 | I climbed to the top of a mountain one day | |
5532 | To see the sun setting in glory, | |
5533 | And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, | |
5534 | Of a perfectly splendid story. | |
5535 | ||
5536 | 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode | |
5537 | Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; | |
5538 | Then the man would carry him miles on the road | |
5539 | Till Neddy was pretty well rested. | |
5540 | ||
5541 | The moon rising solemnly over the crest | |
5542 | Of the hills to the east of my station | |
5543 | Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west | |
5544 | Like a visible new creation. | |
5545 | ||
5546 | And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) | |
5547 | Of an idle young woman who tarried | |
5548 | About a church-door for a look at the bride, | |
5549 | Although 'twas herself that was married. | |
5550 | ||
5551 | To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand | |
5552 | Ideas -- with thought and emotion. | |
5553 | I pity the dunces who don't understand | |
5554 | The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. | |
5555 | Stromboli Smith | |
5556 | ||
5557 | OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of | |
5558 | one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A | |
5559 | lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to | |
5560 | signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the | |
5561 | hero of the hour and place. | |
5562 | ||
5563 | "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, | |
5564 | But I thought it uncommonly queer, | |
5565 | That people and critics by him had been led | |
5566 | By the ear. | |
5567 | ||
5568 | The Latin lexicon makes his absurd | |
5569 | Assertion as plain as a peg; | |
5570 | In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. | |
5571 | It means egg. | |
5572 | Dudley Spink | |
5573 | ||
5574 | OVEREAT, v. To dine. | |
5575 | ||
5576 | Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, | |
5577 | Well skilled to overeat without distress! | |
5578 | Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, | |
5579 | Shows Man's superiority to Beast. | |
5580 | John Boop | |
5581 | ||
5582 | OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries | |
5583 | who want to go fishing. | |
5584 | ||
5585 | OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified | |
5586 | not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of | |
5587 | debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and | |
5588 | liabilities. | |
5589 | ||
5590 | OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the | |
5591 | hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are | |
5592 | sometimes given to the poor. | |
5593 | ||
5594 | ||
5595 | P | |
5596 | ||
5597 | ||
5598 | PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical | |
5599 | basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely | |
5600 | mental, caused by the good fortune of another. | |
5601 | ||
5602 | PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and | |
5603 | exposing them to the critic. | |
5604 | Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: | |
5605 | the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between | |
5606 | the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. | |
5607 | ||
5608 | PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great | |
5609 | official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church | |
5610 | is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a | |
5611 | field, or wayside. There is progress. | |
5612 | ||
5613 | PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the | |
5614 | familiar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed | |
5615 | and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of | |
5616 | invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece | |
5617 | of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. | |
5618 | The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a | |
5619 | considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known | |
5620 | as "benefactions." | |
5621 | ||
5622 | PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's | |
5623 | classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in | |
5624 | "reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The | |
5625 | pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very | |
5626 | accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted | |
5627 | plainly spell the word "dupe." The imposture consists in not reading | |
5628 | it aloud. | |
5629 | ||
5630 | PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them | |
5631 | have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a | |
5632 | lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the | |
5633 | ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his | |
5634 | pride of distinction. | |
5635 | ||
5636 | PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The | |
5637 | garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of | |
5638 | flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called | |
5639 | "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. | |
5640 | ||
5641 | PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in | |
5642 | contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. | |
5643 | ||
5644 | PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to | |
5645 | the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. | |
5646 | ||
5647 | PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To | |
5648 | add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. | |
5649 | ||
5650 | PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going | |
5651 | abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special | |
5652 | reprobation and outrage. | |
5653 | ||
5654 | PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we | |
5655 | have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the | |
5656 | Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These | |
5657 | two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually | |
5658 | effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow | |
5659 | and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The | |
5660 | Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the | |
5661 | one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential | |
5662 | prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, | |
5663 | beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is | |
5664 | the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They | |
5665 | are one -- the knowledge and the dream. | |
5666 | ||
5667 | PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for | |
5668 | intellectual debility. | |
5669 | ||
5670 | PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. | |
5671 | ||
5672 | PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to | |
5673 | those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. | |
5674 | ||
5675 | PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one | |
5676 | ambitious to illuminate his name. | |
5677 | In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the | |
5678 | last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened | |
5679 | but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. | |
5680 | ||
5681 | PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two | |
5682 | periods of fighting. | |
5683 | ||
5684 | O, what's the loud uproar assailing | |
5685 | Mine ears without cease? | |
5686 | 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing | |
5687 | The horrors of peace. | |
5688 | ||
5689 | Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- | |
5690 | Would marry it, too. | |
5691 | If only they knew how to do it | |
5692 | 'Twere easy to do. | |
5693 | ||
5694 | They're working by night and by day | |
5695 | On their problem, like moles. | |
5696 | Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, | |
5697 | On their meddlesome souls! | |
5698 | Ro Amil | |
5699 | ||
5700 | PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an | |
5701 | automobile. | |
5702 | ||
5703 | PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor | |
5704 | with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. | |
5705 | ||
5706 | PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. | |
5707 | ||
5708 | PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the | |
5709 | actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. | |
5710 | The editor of an English magazine having received a letter | |
5711 | pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed | |
5712 | "Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't | |
5713 | agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. | |
5714 | ||
5715 | PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of | |
5716 | Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in | |
5717 | order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution -- they | |
5718 | knew no more of the matter than he. | |
5719 | ||
5720 | PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, | |
5721 | but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous | |
5722 | peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in | |
5723 | preparing it. | |
5724 | ||
5725 | PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an | |
5726 | inglorious success. | |
5727 | ||
5728 | "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, | |
5729 | Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. | |
5730 | "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare -- | |
5731 | The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" | |
5732 | Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease | |
5733 | Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, | |
5734 | The goal and the rival forgotten alike, | |
5735 | And the long fatigue of the needless hike. | |
5736 | His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew | |
5737 | Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, | |
5738 | He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, | |
5739 | A winner of all that is good in a race. | |
5740 | Sukker Uffro | |
5741 | ||
5742 | PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the | |
5743 | observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his | |
5744 | scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. | |
5745 | ||
5746 | PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has | |
5747 | trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. | |
5748 | ||
5749 | PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, | |
5750 | following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is | |
5751 | sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always | |
5752 | solemn. | |
5753 | ||
5754 | PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. | |
5755 | ||
5756 | PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." | |
5757 | ||
5758 | PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. | |
5759 | ||
5760 | PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in | |
5761 | art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite | |
5762 | so good as that of a Cheyenne. | |
5763 | ||
5764 | PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. | |
5765 | It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe | |
5766 | with. | |
5767 | ||
5768 | PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs | |
5769 | when well. | |
5770 | ||
5771 | PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by | |
5772 | the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which | |
5773 | is the standard of excellence. | |
5774 | ||
5775 | "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, | |
5776 | "To read the mind's construction in the face." | |
5777 | The physiognomists his portrait scan, | |
5778 | And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! | |
5779 | He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, | |
5780 | So, in his own defence, denied our art." | |
5781 | Lavatar Shunk | |
5782 | ||
5783 | PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It | |
5784 | is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the | |
5785 | audience. | |
5786 | ||
5787 | PICKANINNY, n. The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus | |
5788 | dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. | |
5789 | ||
5790 | PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome | |
5791 | in three. | |
5792 | ||
5793 | "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view -- | |
5794 | Taken from Life." If that description's true, | |
5795 | Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. | |
5796 | Jali Hane | |
5797 | ||
5798 | PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. | |
5799 | ||
5800 | Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. | |
5801 | Rev. Dr. Mucker | |
5802 | (in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) | |
5803 | ||
5804 | Cold pie is a detestable | |
5805 | American comestible. | |
5806 | That's why I'm done -- or undone -- | |
5807 | So far from that dear London. | |
5808 | (from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo) | |
5809 | ||
5810 | PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed | |
5811 | resemblance to man. | |
5812 | ||
5813 | The pig is taught by sermons and epistles | |
5814 | To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. | |
5815 | Judibras | |
5816 | ||
5817 | PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human | |
5818 | race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is | |
5819 | inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. | |
5820 | ||
5821 | PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers | |
5822 | in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The | |
5823 | Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians | |
5824 | -- who are Hogmies. | |
5825 | ||
5826 | PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was | |
5827 | one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms | |
5828 | through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could | |
5829 | personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. | |
5830 | ||
5831 | PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction | |
5832 | -- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere | |
5833 | virtues and blameless lives. | |
5834 | ||
5835 | PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. | |
5836 | ||
5837 | PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary | |
5838 | encounter with oneself. | |
5839 | ||
5840 | PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. | |
5841 | ||
5842 | PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable | |
5843 | priority and an honorable subsequence. | |
5844 | ||
5845 | PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom | |
5846 | one has never, never read. | |
5847 | ||
5848 | PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for | |
5849 | admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the | |
5850 | Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is | |
5851 | merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless | |
5852 | objectionableness. | |
5853 | ||
5854 | PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an | |
5855 | accidental result. | |
5856 | ||
5857 | PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular | |
5858 | literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of | |
5859 | a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in | |
5860 | artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a | |
5861 | departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose | |
5862 | of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the | |
5863 | sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram. | |
5864 | ||
5865 | PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic | |
5866 | Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a | |
5867 | frost. | |
5868 | ||
5869 | PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and | |
5870 | devour it. | |
5871 | ||
5872 | PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. | |
5873 | ||
5874 | PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection. | |
5875 | ||
5876 | PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained | |
5877 | nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a | |
5878 | saturated solution. | |
5879 | ||
5880 | PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. | |
5881 | ||
5882 | PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary | |
5883 | is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he | |
5884 | never exert it. | |
5885 | ||
5886 | PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. | |
5887 | ||
5888 | PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the | |
5889 | pen. | |
5890 | ||
5891 | PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the | |
5892 | decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of | |
5893 | ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the | |
5894 | wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity. | |
5895 | ||
5896 | POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In | |
5897 | woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her | |
5898 | conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of | |
5899 | others. | |
5900 | ||
5901 | POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the | |
5902 | Magazines. | |
5903 | ||
5904 | POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to | |
5905 | this lexicographer unknown. | |
5906 | ||
5907 | POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. | |
5908 | ||
5909 | POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. | |
5910 | ||
5911 | POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of | |
5912 | principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. | |
5913 | ||
5914 | POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the | |
5915 | superstructure of organized society is reared. When we wriggles he | |
5916 | mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. | |
5917 | As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being | |
5918 | alive. | |
5919 | ||
5920 | POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with | |
5921 | several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which | |
5922 | has but one. | |
5923 | ||
5924 | POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found | |
5925 | in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an | |
5926 | uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the | |
5927 | power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing | |
5928 | independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he | |
5929 | possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech | |
5930 | of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was | |
5931 | known as "The Matter with Kansas." | |
5932 | ||
5933 | PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of | |
5934 | possession. | |
5935 | ||
5936 | His light estate, if neither he did make it | |
5937 | Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, | |
5938 | Is portable improperly, I take it. | |
5939 | Worgum Slupsky | |
5940 | ||
5941 | PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They | |
5942 | are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed | |
5943 | with garlic. | |
5944 | ||
5945 | POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. | |
5946 | ||
5947 | POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and | |
5948 | affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, | |
5949 | its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. | |
5950 | ||
5951 | POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a | |
5952 | popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure | |
5953 | competitor. | |
5954 | ||
5955 | POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; | |
5956 | indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find | |
5957 | it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as | |
5958 | thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and | |
5959 | diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all | |
5960 | countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of | |
5961 | substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that | |
5962 | liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be | |
5963 | unscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads. | |
5964 | ||
5965 | POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The | |
5966 | number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who | |
5967 | suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about | |
5968 | it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues | |
5969 | and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a | |
5970 | prosperity where they believe these to be unknown. | |
5971 | ||
5972 | PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf | |
5973 | of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. | |
5974 | ||
5975 | PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory | |
5976 | race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily | |
5977 | conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to | |
5978 | have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its | |
5979 | known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and | |
5980 | theologians with a controversy. | |
5981 | ||
5982 | PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in | |
5983 | the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a | |
5984 | Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of | |
5985 | doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has | |
5986 | only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate | |
5987 | those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates | |
5988 | the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the | |
5989 | noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. | |
5990 | ||
5991 | PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. | |
5992 | ||
5993 | Precipitate in all, this sinner | |
5994 | Took action first, and then his dinner. | |
5995 | Judibras | |
5996 | ||
5997 | PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in | |
5998 | the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a | |
5999 | Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of | |
6000 | doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has | |
6001 | only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate | |
6002 | those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates | |
6003 | the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the | |
6004 | noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. | |
6005 | ||
6006 | PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. | |
6007 | ||
6008 | Precipitate in all, this sinner | |
6009 | Took action first, and then his dinner. | |
6010 | Judibras | |
6011 | ||
6012 | PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to | |
6013 | programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of | |
6014 | foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does | |
6015 | not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other | |
6016 | doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough | |
6017 | to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. | |
6018 | With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a | |
6019 | reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. | |
6020 | ||
6021 | PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. | |
6022 | ||
6023 | PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. | |
6024 | ||
6025 | PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation. | |
6026 | ||
6027 | PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the | |
6028 | erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. | |
6029 | An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no | |
6030 | better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. | |
6031 | "Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." | |
6032 | It is longer. | |
6033 | ||
6034 | PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. | |
6035 | Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. | |
6036 | ||
6037 | He lived in a period prehistoric, | |
6038 | When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. | |
6039 | Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, | |
6040 | Set down great events in succession and order, | |
6041 | He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous | |
6042 | In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. | |
6043 | Orpheus Bowen | |
6044 | ||
6045 | PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. | |
6046 | ||
6047 | PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and | |
6048 | a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God. | |
6049 | ||
6050 | PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. | |
6051 | ||
6052 | PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government | |
6053 | authorities of the Church should be called presbyters. | |
6054 | ||
6055 | PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the | |
6056 | situation with least harm to the patient. | |
6057 | ||
6058 | PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of | |
6059 | disappointment from the realm of hope. | |
6060 | ||
6061 | PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time | |
6062 | and place. | |
6063 | In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony | |
6064 | if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in | |
6065 | New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he | |
6066 | must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. | |
6067 | ||
6068 | PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable | |
6069 | result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He | |
6070 | presided at the piccolo." | |
6071 | ||
6072 | The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, | |
6073 | Read with a solemn face: | |
6074 | "The music was very uncommonly grand -- | |
6075 | The best that was every provided, | |
6076 | For our townsman Brown presided | |
6077 | At the organ with skill and grace." | |
6078 | The Headliner discontinued to read, | |
6079 | And, spread the paper down | |
6080 | On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: | |
6081 | "Great playing by President Brown." | |
6082 | Orpheus Bowen | |
6083 | ||
6084 | PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American | |
6085 | politics. | |
6086 | ||
6087 | PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -- | |
6088 | and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers of | |
6089 | their countrymen did not want any of them for President. | |
6090 | ||
6091 | If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater | |
6092 | To have been a simple and undamned spectator. | |
6093 | Behold in me a man of mark and note | |
6094 | Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! -- | |
6095 | An undiscredited, unhooted gent | |
6096 | Who might, for all we know, be President | |
6097 | By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -- | |
6098 | I'm passing with a wide and open ear! | |
6099 | Jonathan Fomry | |
6100 | ||
6101 | PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar estate. | |
6102 | ||
6103 | PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of | |
6104 | conscience in demanding it. | |
6105 | ||
6106 | PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported | |
6107 | by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the | |
6108 | Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies | |
6109 | Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is | |
6110 | commonly dead. | |
6111 | ||
6112 | PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us | |
6113 | that -- | |
6114 | ||
6115 | "Stone walls do not a prison make," | |
6116 | ||
6117 | but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the | |
6118 | moral instructor is no garden of sweets. | |
6119 | ||
6120 | PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his | |
6121 | knapsack and an impediment in his hope. | |
6122 | ||
6123 | PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him | |
6124 | in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. | |
6125 | For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. | |
6126 | Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the | |
6127 | illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and | |
6128 | answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high | |
6129 | promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous | |
6130 | humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No | |
6131 | successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward bok, of | |
6132 | _The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity and | |
6133 | sweetness of his personal character. | |
6134 | ||
6135 | PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly | |
6136 | these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, | |
6137 | with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could | |
6138 | supply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of | |
6139 | prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into | |
6140 | favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its | |
6141 | capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of | |
6142 | propulsion. | |
6143 | ||
6144 | PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of | |
6145 | unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to | |
6146 | that of only one. | |
6147 | ||
6148 | PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing | |
6149 | nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible. | |
6150 | ||
6151 | PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may | |
6152 | be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the | |
6153 | passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The | |
6154 | object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. | |
6155 | ||
6156 | PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for | |
6157 | future delivery. | |
6158 | ||
6159 | PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually | |
6160 | forbidden. | |
6161 | ||
6162 | Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- | |
6163 | O'er Ceylon blow your breath, | |
6164 | Where every prospect pleases, | |
6165 | Save only that of death. | |
6166 | Bishop Sheber | |
6167 | ||
6168 | PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the | |
6169 | person so describing it. | |
6170 | ||
6171 | PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. | |
6172 | ||
6173 | PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in | |
6174 | a cone of critics. | |
6175 | ||
6176 | PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, | |
6177 | especially in politics. The other is Pull. | |
6178 | ||
6179 | PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It | |
6180 | consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its | |
6181 | modern professors have added that. | |
6182 | ||
6183 | ||
6184 | Q | |
6185 | ||
6186 | ||
6187 | QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, | |
6188 | and through whom it is ruled when there is not. | |
6189 | ||
6190 | QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly | |
6191 | wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its | |
6192 | modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting | |
6193 | Presence. | |
6194 | ||
6195 | QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the | |
6196 | aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. | |
6197 | ||
6198 | He extracted from his quiver, | |
6199 | Did the controversial Roman, | |
6200 | An argument well fitted | |
6201 | To the question as submitted, | |
6202 | Then addressed it to the liver, | |
6203 | Of the unpersuaded foeman. | |
6204 | Oglum P. Boomp | |
6205 | ||
6206 | QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into | |
6207 | the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily | |
6208 | denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name | |
6209 | is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. | |
6210 | ||
6211 | When ignorance from out of our lives can banish | |
6212 | Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. | |
6213 | Juan Smith | |
6214 | ||
6215 | QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to | |
6216 | have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United | |
6217 | States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on | |
6218 | Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of | |
6219 | Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil. | |
6220 | ||
6221 | QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. | |
6222 | The words erroneously repeated. | |
6223 | ||
6224 | Intent on making his quotation truer, | |
6225 | He sought the page infallible of Brewer, | |
6226 | Then made a solemn vow that we would be | |
6227 | Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me! | |
6228 | Stumpo Gaker | |
6229 | ||
6230 | QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging | |
6231 | to one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about | |
6232 | as many times as it can be got there. | |
6233 | ||
6234 | ||
6235 | R | |
6236 | ||
6237 | ||
6238 | RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority | |
6239 | tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred | |
6240 | Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it do | |
6241 | nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in | |
6242 | our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.") | |
6243 | ||
6244 | RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading | |
6245 | devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to | |
6246 | the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now | |
6247 | held in light popular esteem. | |
6248 | ||
6249 | RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. | |
6250 | ||
6251 | He held at court a rank so high | |
6252 | That other noblemen asked why. | |
6253 | "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack | |
6254 | His skill to scratch the royal back." | |
6255 | Aramis Jukes | |
6256 | ||
6257 | RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, | |
6258 | nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments. | |
6259 | ||
6260 | RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power. | |
6261 | ||
6262 | RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point | |
6263 | out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained | |
6264 | that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and | |
6265 | that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared | |
6266 | after the recipe of a she banker. | |
6267 | ||
6268 | RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. | |
6269 | ||
6270 | RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded | |
6271 | intellect. | |
6272 | ||
6273 | RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. | |
6274 | ||
6275 | "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let | |
6276 | These gamblers take your cash." | |
6277 | "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! | |
6278 | How can you be so rash?" | |
6279 | Bootle P. Gish | |
6280 | ||
6281 | RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, | |
6282 | experience and reflection. | |
6283 | ||
6284 | RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_. | |
6285 | ||
6286 | RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, | |
6287 | by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to | |
6288 | affirm his worth. | |
6289 | ||
6290 | REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within | |
6291 | which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the | |
6292 | propensity to provide. | |
6293 | ||
6294 | This is a truth, as old as the hills, | |
6295 | That life and experience teach: | |
6296 | The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, | |
6297 | An impediment of his reach. | |
6298 | G.J. | |
6299 | ||
6300 | READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it | |
6301 | consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and | |
6302 | humor in slang. | |
6303 | ||
6304 | We know by one's reading | |
6305 | His learning and breeding; | |
6306 | By what draws his laughter | |
6307 | We know his Hereafter. | |
6308 | Read nothing, laugh never -- | |
6309 | The Sphinx was less clever! | |
6310 | Jupiter Muke | |
6311 | ||
6312 | RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the | |
6313 | affairs of to-day. | |
6314 | ||
6315 | RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ | |
6316 | that a scientist is a fool with. | |
6317 | ||
6318 | RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get | |
6319 | away from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose | |
6320 | the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits | |
6321 | him to make the transit with great expedition. | |
6322 | ||
6323 | RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, | |
6324 | otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings | |
6325 | of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our | |
6326 | earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the | |
6327 | White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of | |
6328 | the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a | |
6329 | brick. | |
6330 | ||
6331 | REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The | |
6332 | charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a | |
6333 | measuring-worm. | |
6334 | ||
6335 | REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain | |
6336 | in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum. | |
6337 | ||
6338 | REALLY, adv. Apparently. | |
6339 | ||
6340 | REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army | |
6341 | that is nearest to Congress. | |
6342 | ||
6343 | REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire. | |
6344 | ||
6345 | REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice. | |
6346 | ||
6347 | REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. | |
6348 | Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. | |
6349 | ||
6350 | REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish | |
6351 | it. | |
6352 | ||
6353 | RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously | |
6354 | known. | |
6355 | ||
6356 | RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for | |
6357 | the purpose of digging up the dead. | |
6358 | ||
6359 | RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. | |
6360 | ||
6361 | RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded | |
6362 | to the player against whom they are loaded. | |
6363 | ||
6364 | RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general | |
6365 | fatigue. | |
6366 | ||
6367 | RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform | |
6368 | and from a soldier by his gait. | |
6369 | ||
6370 | Fresh from the farm or factory or street, | |
6371 | His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, | |
6372 | Were an impressive martial spectacle | |
6373 | Except for two impediments -- his feet. | |
6374 | Thompson Johnson | |
6375 | ||
6376 | RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the | |
6377 | parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two. | |
6378 | ||
6379 | REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, | |
6380 | through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The | |
6381 | doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy | |
6382 | religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have | |
6383 | everlasting life in which to try to understand it. | |
6384 | ||
6385 | We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, | |
6386 | And take some special measure for redeeming it; | |
6387 | Though hard indeed the task to get it in | |
6388 | Among the angels any way but teaming it, | |
6389 | Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. | |
6390 | I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner: | |
6391 | My method is to crucify the sinner. | |
6392 | Golgo Brone | |
6393 | ||
6394 | REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction. | |
6395 | Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the | |
6396 | king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of | |
6397 | the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own | |
6398 | naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and | |
6399 | it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. | |
6400 | ||
6401 | RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -- at | |
6402 | least not on the outside. | |
6403 | ||
6404 | REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; _de trop_. | |
6405 | ||
6406 | The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant | |
6407 | To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." | |
6408 | To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, | |
6409 | Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." | |
6410 | Habeeb Suleiman | |
6411 | ||
6412 | Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. | |
6413 | Theodore Roosevelt | |
6414 | ||
6415 | REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a | |
6416 | popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. | |
6417 | ||
6418 | REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view | |
6419 | of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the | |
6420 | perils that we shall not again encounter. | |
6421 | ||
6422 | REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to | |
6423 | reformation. | |
6424 | ||
6425 | REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and | |
6426 | Joshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, | |
6427 | Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life inadvertently | |
6428 | could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable | |
6429 | expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to | |
6430 | enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was | |
6431 | appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of | |
6432 | early Greece. | |
6433 | ||
6434 | REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand | |
6435 | in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a | |
6436 | rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by | |
6437 | a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of | |
6438 | finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the | |
6439 | refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by | |
6440 | some casuists the refusal assentive. | |
6441 | ||
6442 | REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such | |
6443 | ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of | |
6444 | Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League | |
6445 | of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society | |
6446 | of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians; | |
6447 | Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of | |
6448 | the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long | |
6449 | Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the | |
6450 | Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant | |
6451 | Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining | |
6452 | Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of | |
6453 | the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the | |
6454 | Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the | |
6455 | Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of | |
6456 | Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; | |
6457 | Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; | |
6458 | Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the | |
6459 | Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient | |
6460 | Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; | |
6461 | Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of | |
6462 | Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; | |
6463 | the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of | |
6464 | Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; | |
6465 | Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. | |
6466 | ||
6467 | RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the | |
6468 | nature of the Unknowable. | |
6469 | "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. | |
6470 | "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." | |
6471 | "Then why do you not become an atheist?" | |
6472 | "Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism." | |
6473 | "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." | |
6474 | ||
6475 | RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the | |
6476 | true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the | |
6477 | lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. | |
6478 | Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent | |
6479 | the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable | |
6480 | times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once | |
6481 | escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of | |
6482 | the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three | |
6483 | times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan | |
6484 | in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the | |
6485 | library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was | |
6486 | seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the | |
6487 | diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the | |
6488 | Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. | |
6489 | ||
6490 | RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -- a | |
6491 | little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable | |
6492 | than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and | |
6493 | inconsiderate hand. | |
6494 | ||
6495 | I touched the harp in every key, | |
6496 | But found no heeding ear; | |
6497 | And then Ithuriel touched me | |
6498 | With a revealing spear. | |
6499 | ||
6500 | Not all my genius, great as 'tis, | |
6501 | Could urge me out of night. | |
6502 | I felt the faint appulse of his, | |
6503 | And leapt into the light! | |
6504 | W.J. Candleton | |
6505 | ||
6506 | REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted | |
6507 | from the satisfaction felt in committing it. | |
6508 | ||
6509 | REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a | |
6510 | constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to | |
6511 | offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. | |
6512 | ||
6513 | REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It | |
6514 | is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not | |
6515 | inconsistent with continuity of sin. | |
6516 | ||
6517 | Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, | |
6518 | You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? | |
6519 | How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals | |
6520 | And add you to the woes of other souls. | |
6521 | Jomater Abemy | |
6522 | ||
6523 | REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made | |
6524 | the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which | |
6525 | is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the | |
6526 | replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful | |
6527 | than it looks. | |
6528 | ||
6529 | REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it | |
6530 | with a tempest of words. | |
6531 | ||
6532 | "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou | |
6533 | Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" | |
6534 | So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew | |
6535 | Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." | |
6536 | Barson Maith | |
6537 | ||
6538 | REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling. | |
6539 | ||
6540 | REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House | |
6541 | in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. | |
6542 | ||
6543 | REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal | |
6544 | prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, | |
6545 | whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his | |
6546 | conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are | |
6547 | predestined to salvation. | |
6548 | ||
6549 | REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing | |
6550 | governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to | |
6551 | enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of | |
6552 | public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from | |
6553 | ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. | |
6554 | There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between | |
6555 | the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead. | |
6556 | ||
6557 | REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the | |
6558 | winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of | |
6559 | providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. | |
6560 | ||
6561 | RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave. | |
6562 | ||
6563 | RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an | |
6564 | advantage for a greater advantage. | |
6565 | ||
6566 | 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed | |
6567 | A true renunciation | |
6568 | Of title, rank and every kind | |
6569 | Of military station -- | |
6570 | Each honorable station. | |
6571 | ||
6572 | By his example fired -- inclined | |
6573 | To noble emulation, | |
6574 | The country humbly was resigned | |
6575 | To Leonard's resignation -- | |
6576 | His Christian resignation. | |
6577 | Politian Greame | |
6578 | ||
6579 | RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. | |
6580 | ||
6581 | RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head | |
6582 | and a bank account. | |
6583 | ||
6584 | RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an | |
6585 | inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its | |
6586 | passage to the lungs. | |
6587 | ||
6588 | RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, | |
6589 | to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have | |
6590 | been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of | |
6591 | a disagreeable expectation. | |
6592 | ||
6593 | Altgeld upon his incandescend bed | |
6594 | Lay, an attendant demon at his head. | |
6595 | ||
6596 | "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- | |
6597 | Some respite from the roast, however brief." | |
6598 | ||
6599 | "Remember how on earth I pardoned all | |
6600 | Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." | |
6601 | ||
6602 | "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm | |
6603 | O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm. | |
6604 | ||
6605 | "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, | |
6606 | Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate. | |
6607 | ||
6608 | "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, | |
6609 | Not even the memory of who you are." | |
6610 | ||
6611 | Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; | |
6612 | Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. | |
6613 | ||
6614 | "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be | |
6615 | As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." | |
6616 | ||
6617 | "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack | |
6618 | You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." | |
6619 | ||
6620 | A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide | |
6621 | While they were turning him on t'other side. | |
6622 | Joel Spate Woop | |
6623 | ||
6624 | RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in | |
6625 | his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an | |
6626 | elemental unit of a parade. | |
6627 | ||
6628 | The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- | |
6629 | and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. | |
6630 | "Chronicles of the Classes" | |
6631 | ||
6632 | RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness | |
6633 | of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external | |
6634 | coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, | |
6635 | responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is | |
6636 | to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, | |
6637 | incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. | |
6638 | ||
6639 | RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the | |
6640 | shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days | |
6641 | of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. | |
6642 | ||
6643 | Alas, things ain't what we should see | |
6644 | If Eve had let that apple be; | |
6645 | And many a feller which had ought | |
6646 | To set with monarchses of thought, | |
6647 | Or play some rosy little game | |
6648 | With battle-chaps on fields of fame, | |
6649 | Is downed by his unlucky star | |
6650 | And hollers: "Peanuts! -- here you are!" | |
6651 | "The Sturdy Beggar" | |
6652 | ||
6653 | RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public | |
6654 | libraries by gift or bequest. | |
6655 | ||
6656 | RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. | |
6657 | ||
6658 | RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of | |
6659 | Law. | |
6660 | ||
6661 | RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon | |
6662 | the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by | |
6663 | evicting them. | |
6664 | In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father | |
6665 | Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the | |
6666 | improduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talking | |
6667 | exercise: | |
6668 | ||
6669 | What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go | |
6670 | Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? | |
6671 | Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? | |
6672 | 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, | |
6673 | And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at | |
6674 | Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know | |
6675 | That empires are ungrateful; are you certain | |
6676 | Republics are less handy to get hurt in? | |
6677 | ||
6678 | REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields | |
6679 | no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the | |
6680 | American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that | |
6681 | pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their | |
6682 | misfortunes and their sacred dishonor. | |
6683 | ||
6684 | REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed | |
6685 | all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know | |
6686 | nothing. | |
6687 | ||
6688 | REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a | |
6689 | man. | |
6690 | ||
6691 | REVIEW, v.t. | |
6692 | ||
6693 | To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, | |
6694 | Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) | |
6695 | At work upon a book, and so read out of it | |
6696 | The qualities that you have first read into it. | |
6697 | ||
6698 | REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of | |
6699 | misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of | |
6700 | the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the | |
6701 | welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. | |
6702 | Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of | |
6703 | blood, but are accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made by | |
6704 | beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The | |
6705 | French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; | |
6706 | when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are | |
6707 | inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law | |
6708 | and order. | |
6709 | ||
6710 | RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for | |
6711 | precious metals in the pocket of a fool. | |
6712 | ||
6713 | RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. | |
6714 | ||
6715 | RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. | |
6716 | The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been | |
6717 | used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious | |
6718 | writers of the fifteenth century -- commonly, indeed, regarded as the | |
6719 | founder of the Fastidiotic School. | |
6720 | ||
6721 | RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular | |
6722 | novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the | |
6723 | conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, | |
6724 | and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp. | |
6725 | ||
6726 | RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property | |
6727 | of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the | |
6728 | luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the | |
6729 | Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid | |
6730 | advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise. | |
6731 | ||
6732 | RICHES, n. | |
6733 | ||
6734 | A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in | |
6735 | whom I am well pleased." | |
6736 | John D. Rockefeller | |
6737 | ||
6738 | The reward of toil and virtue. | |
6739 | J.P. Morgan | |
6740 | ||
6741 | The sayings of many in the hands of one. | |
6742 | Eugene Debs | |
6743 | ||
6744 | To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels | |
6745 | that he can add nothing of value. | |
6746 | ||
6747 | RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are | |
6748 | uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who | |
6749 | utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. | |
6750 | Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- a | |
6751 | ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone | |
6752 | centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. | |
6753 | What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine | |
6754 | of Infant Respectability? | |
6755 | ||
6756 | RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right | |
6757 | to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have | |
6758 | measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally | |
6759 | believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is | |
6760 | still sometimes affirmed _in partibus infidelium_ outside the | |
6761 | enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir | |
6762 | Abednego Bink, following: | |
6763 | ||
6764 | By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? | |
6765 | Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? | |
6766 | He surely were as stubborn as a mule | |
6767 | Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour | |
6768 | His uninvited session on the throne, or air | |
6769 | His pride securely in the Presidential chair. | |
6770 | ||
6771 | Whatever is is so by Right Divine; | |
6772 | Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! | |
6773 | It were a wondrous thing if His design | |
6774 | A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand! | |
6775 | If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) | |
6776 | Is guilty of contributory negligence. | |
6777 | ||
6778 | RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the | |
6779 | Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some | |
6780 | feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it | |
6781 | into several European countries, but it appears to have been | |
6782 | imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found | |
6783 | in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic | |
6784 | passage from which is here given: | |
6785 | ||
6786 | "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of | |
6787 | mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to | |
6788 | the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and | |
6789 | just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state; | |
6790 | and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my | |
6791 | injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be | |
6792 | wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty | |
6793 | to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be | |
6794 | righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, | |
6795 | in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better | |
6796 | disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain." | |
6797 | ||
6798 | RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The | |
6799 | verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually | |
6800 | (and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." | |
6801 | ||
6802 | RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. | |
6803 | ||
6804 | The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, | |
6805 | The sound surceases and the sense expires. | |
6806 | Then the domestic dog, to east and west, | |
6807 | Expounds the passions burning in his breast. | |
6808 | The rising moon o'er that enchanted land | |
6809 | Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. | |
6810 | Mowbray Myles | |
6811 | ||
6812 | RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent | |
6813 | bystanders. | |
6814 | ||
6815 | R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting to | |
6816 | indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, | |
6817 | however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in | |
6818 | pulvis_. | |
6819 | ||
6820 | RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept | |
6821 | or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out | |
6822 | of it. | |
6823 | ||
6824 | RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear | |
6825 | freedom, keeping off the grass. | |
6826 | ||
6827 | ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is | |
6828 | too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. | |
6829 | ||
6830 | All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, | |
6831 | Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. | |
6832 | Borey the Bald | |
6833 | ||
6834 | ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. | |
6835 | It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling | |
6836 | companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, | |
6837 | and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once | |
6838 | there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he | |
6839 | was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." | |
6840 | ||
6841 | ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as | |
6842 | They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to | |
6843 | probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance | |
6844 | it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination -- free, | |
6845 | lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as | |
6846 | Carlyle might say -- a mere reporter. He may invent his characters | |
6847 | and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not | |
6848 | occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes | |
6849 | this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a | |
6850 | lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick | |
6851 | volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black | |
6852 | profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, | |
6853 | for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it | |
6854 | remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we | |
6855 | have is "The Thousand and One Nights." | |
6856 | ||
6857 | ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they | |
6858 | too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's | |
6859 | whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex | |
6860 | electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is | |
6861 | rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment. | |
6862 | ||
6863 | ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In | |
6864 | America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically | |
6865 | expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. | |
6866 | ||
6867 | ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English | |
6868 | civil war -- so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, | |
6869 | whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other | |
6870 | points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the | |
6871 | fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because | |
6872 | the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair | |
6873 | grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly | |
6874 | barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal | |
6875 | neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. | |
6876 | Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the | |
6877 | fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this | |
6878 | day beneath the snows of British civility. | |
6879 | ||
6880 | RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, | |
6881 | literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions | |
6882 | lying due south from Boreaplas. | |
6883 | ||
6884 | RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the | |
6885 | virtue of maids. | |
6886 | ||
6887 | RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total | |
6888 | abstainers. | |
6889 | ||
6890 | RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. | |
6891 | ||
6892 | Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, | |
6893 | By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, | |
6894 | O serviceable Rumor, let me wield | |
6895 | Against my enemy no other blade. | |
6896 | His be the terror of a foe unseen, | |
6897 | His the inutile hand upon the hilt, | |
6898 | And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, | |
6899 | Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. | |
6900 | So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, | |
6901 | Spare me to celebrate his overthrow, | |
6902 | And nurse my valor for another foe. | |
6903 | Joel Buxter | |
6904 | ||
6905 | RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A | |
6906 | Tartar Emetic. | |
6907 | ||
6908 | ||
6909 | S | |
6910 | ||
6911 | ||
6912 | SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God | |
6913 | made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the | |
6914 | Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this | |
6915 | is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy | |
6916 | neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient | |
6917 | that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early | |
6918 | Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of | |
6919 | the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious | |
6920 | jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is | |
6921 | reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water | |
6922 | version of the Fourth Commandment: | |
6923 | ||
6924 | Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, | |
6925 | And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. | |
6926 | ||
6927 | Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the | |
6928 | captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine | |
6929 | ordinance. | |
6930 | ||
6931 | SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a | |
6932 | priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge | |
6933 | that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the | |
6934 | Neo-Dictionarians. | |
6935 | ||
6936 | SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of | |
6937 | authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, | |
6938 | but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can | |
6939 | afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller | |
6940 | sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will | |
6941 | indubitable be damned. | |
6942 | ||
6943 | SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine | |
6944 | character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama | |
6945 | of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the | |
6946 | Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; | |
6947 | the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. | |
6948 | ||
6949 | All things are either sacred or profane. | |
6950 | The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; | |
6951 | The latter to the devil appertain. | |
6952 | Dumbo Omohundro | |
6953 | ||
6954 | SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of | |
6955 | Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences | |
6956 | gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the | |
6957 | traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally | |
6958 | bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent | |
6959 | and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon | |
6960 | California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of | |
6961 | solecisms. The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and | |
6962 | "sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably | |
6963 | suggestive. | |
6964 | ||
6965 | SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent | |
6966 | the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the | |
6967 | hoisting apparatus. | |
6968 | ||
6969 | Once I seen a human ruin | |
6970 | In an elevator-well, | |
6971 | And his members was bestrewin' | |
6972 | All the place where he had fell. | |
6973 | ||
6974 | And I says, apostrophisin' | |
6975 | That uncommon woful wreck: | |
6976 | "Your position's so surprisin' | |
6977 | That I tremble for your neck!" | |
6978 | ||
6979 | Then that ruin, smilin' sadly | |
6980 | And impressive, up and spoke: | |
6981 | "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, | |
6982 | For it's been a fortnight broke." | |
6983 | ||
6984 | Then, for further comprehension | |
6985 | Of his attitude, he begs | |
6986 | I will focus my attention | |
6987 | On his various arms and legs -- | |
6988 | ||
6989 | How they all are contumacious; | |
6990 | Where they each, respective, lie; | |
6991 | How one trotter proves ungracious, | |
6992 | T'other one an _alibi_. | |
6993 | ||
6994 | These particulars is mentioned | |
6995 | For to show his dismal state, | |
6996 | Which I wasn't first intentioned | |
6997 | To specifical relate. | |
6998 | ||
6999 | None is worser to be dreaded | |
7000 | That I ever have heard tell | |
7001 | Than the gent's who there was spreaded | |
7002 | In that elevator-well. | |
7003 | ||
7004 | Now this tale is allegoric -- | |
7005 | It is figurative all, | |
7006 | For the well is metaphoric | |
7007 | And the feller didn't fall. | |
7008 | ||
7009 | I opine it isn't moral | |
7010 | For a writer-man to cheat, | |
7011 | And despise to wear a laurel | |
7012 | As was gotten by deceit. | |
7013 | ||
7014 | For 'tis Politics intended | |
7015 | By the elevator, mind, | |
7016 | It will boost a person splendid | |
7017 | If his talent is the kind. | |
7018 | ||
7019 | Col. Bryan had the talent | |
7020 | (For the busted man is him) | |
7021 | And it shot him up right gallant | |
7022 | Till his head begun to swim. | |
7023 | ||
7024 | Then the rope it broke above him | |
7025 | And he painful come to earth | |
7026 | Where there's nobody to love him | |
7027 | For his detrimented worth. | |
7028 | ||
7029 | Though he's livin' none would know him, | |
7030 | Or at leastwise not as such. | |
7031 | Moral of this woful poem: | |
7032 | Frequent oil your safety-clutch. | |
7033 | Porfer Poog | |
7034 | ||
7035 | SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. | |
7036 | The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old | |
7037 | calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis | |
7038 | de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear | |
7039 | that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate | |
7040 | things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a | |
7041 | perfect gentleman, though a fool." | |
7042 | ||
7043 | SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in | |
7044 | popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, | |
7045 | who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are | |
7046 | occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked | |
7047 | harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are | |
7048 | tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves. | |
7049 | ||
7050 | SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an | |
7051 | anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now | |
7052 | believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account | |
7053 | having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it | |
7054 | with a bucket of holy water. | |
7055 | ||
7056 | SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a | |
7057 | certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of | |
7058 | devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern | |
7059 | obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art. | |
7060 | ||
7061 | SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in | |
7062 | sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made | |
7063 | himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from | |
7064 | Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a | |
7065 | moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like | |
7066 | to ask," said he. | |
7067 | "Name it." | |
7068 | "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." | |
7069 | "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn | |
7070 | of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to make | |
7071 | his laws?" | |
7072 | "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them | |
7073 | himself." | |
7074 | It was so ordered. | |
7075 | ||
7076 | SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten | |
7077 | its contents, madam. | |
7078 | ||
7079 | SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the | |
7080 | vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with | |
7081 | imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a | |
7082 | sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we | |
7083 | are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all | |
7084 | humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans | |
7085 | are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not | |
7086 | generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the | |
7087 | satirist is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his ever | |
7088 | victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent. | |
7089 | ||
7090 | Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung | |
7091 | In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, | |
7092 | For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well -- | |
7093 | Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. | |
7094 | Had it been such as consecrates the Bible | |
7095 | Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. | |
7096 | Barney Stims | |
7097 | ||
7098 | SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded | |
7099 | recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at | |
7100 | first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose | |
7101 | allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and | |
7102 | improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a | |
7103 | later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and | |
7104 | more like a goat. | |
7105 | ||
7106 | SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. | |
7107 | A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one | |
7108 | sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented | |
7109 | and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. | |
7110 | ||
7111 | SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and | |
7112 | colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. | |
7113 | Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. | |
7114 | ||
7115 | A penny saved is a penny to squander. | |
7116 | ||
7117 | A man is known by the company that he organizes. | |
7118 | ||
7119 | A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. | |
7120 | ||
7121 | A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. | |
7122 | ||
7123 | Better late than before anybody has invited you. | |
7124 | ||
7125 | Example is better than following it. | |
7126 | ||
7127 | Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else. | |
7128 | ||
7129 | Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. | |
7130 | ||
7131 | What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to | |
7132 | do it. | |
7133 | ||
7134 | Least said is soonest disavowed. | |
7135 | ||
7136 | He laughs best who laughs least. | |
7137 | ||
7138 | Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. | |
7139 | ||
7140 | Of two evils choose to be the least. | |
7141 | ||
7142 | Strike while your employer has a big contract. | |
7143 | ||
7144 | Where there's a will there's a won't. | |
7145 | ||
7146 | SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to | |
7147 | our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, | |
7148 | the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit | |
7149 | of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it | |
7150 | to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal | |
7151 | reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior | |
7152 | beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest. | |
7153 | ||
7154 | SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus. | |
7155 | ||
7156 | He fell by his own hand | |
7157 | Beneath the great oak tree. | |
7158 | He'd traveled in a foreign land. | |
7159 | He tried to make her understand | |
7160 | The dance that's called the Saraband, | |
7161 | But he called it Scarabee. | |
7162 | He had called it so through an afternoon, | |
7163 | And she, the light of his harem if so might be, | |
7164 | Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, | |
7165 | All frosted there in the shine o' the moon -- | |
7166 | Dead for a Scarabee | |
7167 | And a recollection that came too late. | |
7168 | O Fate! | |
7169 | They buried him where he lay, | |
7170 | He sleeps awaiting the Day, | |
7171 | In state, | |
7172 | And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, | |
7173 | Gloom over the grave and then move on. | |
7174 | Dead for a Scarabee! | |
7175 | Fernando Tapple | |
7176 | ||
7177 | SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. | |
7178 | The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot | |
7179 | iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent | |
7180 | spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, | |
7181 | with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. | |
7182 | The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to | |
7183 | yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is | |
7184 | conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of | |
7185 | grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a | |
7186 | penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice. | |
7187 | ||
7188 | SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his | |
7189 | authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign | |
7190 | admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the | |
7191 | bones of their proponents. | |
7192 | ||
7193 | SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of | |
7194 | which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the | |
7195 | incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated | |
7196 | from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth | |
7197 | century. | |
7198 | ||
7199 | When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to | |
7200 | decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after | |
7201 | the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his | |
7202 | Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man | |
7203 | who should have been at that time ten minutes dead! | |
7204 | "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged | |
7205 | monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and | |
7206 | have your head struck off by the public executioner at three | |
7207 | o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?" | |
7208 | "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the | |
7209 | condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is | |
7210 | a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and | |
7211 | vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I | |
7212 | ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The | |
7213 | executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously | |
7214 | whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, | |
7215 | strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a | |
7216 | favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable | |
7217 | and treasonous head." | |
7218 | "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled | |
7219 | caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. | |
7220 | "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- I | |
7221 | know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi." | |
7222 | "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an | |
7223 | attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the | |
7224 | Presence. | |
7225 | "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" | |
7226 | roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck | |
7227 | that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?" | |
7228 | "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, | |
7229 | unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers." | |
7230 | Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted | |
7231 | like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung | |
7232 | violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered | |
7233 | peacefully to the close, without incident. | |
7234 | All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as | |
7235 | white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled | |
7236 | and his breath came in gasps of terror. | |
7237 | "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a | |
7238 | ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly | |
7239 | because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it | |
7240 | through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office." | |
7241 | So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and | |
7242 | advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet. | |
7243 | ||
7244 | SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many | |
7245 | persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing | |
7246 | whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to | |
7247 | collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, | |
7248 | by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: | |
7249 | ||
7250 | Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast | |
7251 | You keep a record true | |
7252 | Of every kind of peppered roast | |
7253 | That's made of you; | |
7254 | ||
7255 | Wherein you paste the printed gibes | |
7256 | That revel round your name, | |
7257 | Thinking the laughter of the scribes | |
7258 | Attests your fame; | |
7259 | ||
7260 | Where all the pictures you arrange | |
7261 | That comic pencils trace -- | |
7262 | Your funny figure and your strange | |
7263 | Semitic face -- | |
7264 | ||
7265 | Pray lend it me. Wit I have not, | |
7266 | Nor art, but there I'll list | |
7267 | The daily drubbings you'd have got | |
7268 | Had God a fist. | |
7269 | ||
7270 | SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to | |
7271 | one's own. | |
7272 | ||
7273 | SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as | |
7274 | distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other | |
7275 | faiths are based. | |
7276 | ||
7277 | SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest | |
7278 | their authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, | |
7279 | and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, | |
7280 | in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing | |
7281 | important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical | |
7282 | efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the | |
7283 | British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a | |
7284 | sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other | |
7285 | devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in | |
7286 | many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are | |
7287 | appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless | |
7288 | custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote | |
7289 | utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense | |
7290 | evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our | |
7291 | word "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but the | |
7292 | learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence | |
7293 | of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were | |
7294 | formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will | |
7295 | serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S., | |
7296 | commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean _locum | |
7297 | sigillis_, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used | |
7298 | -- an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the | |
7299 | beasts that perish. The words _locum sigillis_ are humbly suggested | |
7300 | as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take | |
7301 | their place as a sovereign State of the American Union. | |
7302 | ||
7303 | SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of | |
7304 | environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are | |
7305 | more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with | |
7306 | small, cut stones. | |
7307 | ||
7308 | The devil casting a seine of lace, | |
7309 | (With precious stones 'twas weighted) | |
7310 | Drew it into the landing place | |
7311 | And its contents calculated. | |
7312 | ||
7313 | All souls of women were in that sack -- | |
7314 | A draft miraculous, precious! | |
7315 | But ere he could throw it across his back | |
7316 | They'd all escaped through the meshes. | |
7317 | Baruch de Loppis | |
7318 | ||
7319 | SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement. | |
7320 | ||
7321 | SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. | |
7322 | ||
7323 | SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. | |
7324 | ||
7325 | SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and | |
7326 | misdemeanors. | |
7327 | ||
7328 | SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, | |
7329 | creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. | |
7330 | Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding | |
7331 | chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a | |
7332 | synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read | |
7333 | _them_. A synposis of the entire work would be still better. | |
7334 | The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly | |
7335 | paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to | |
7336 | us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the | |
7337 | installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world | |
7338 | without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday | |
7339 | morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he | |
7340 | found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His | |
7341 | collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship | |
7342 | and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic. | |
7343 | ||
7344 | SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held | |
7345 | individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are | |
7346 | believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the | |
7347 | lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could | |
7348 | not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. | |
7349 | ||
7350 | Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind | |
7351 | Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; | |
7352 | Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay -- | |
7353 | His small belongings their appointed prey; | |
7354 | Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, | |
7355 | Persuaded elsewhere every little while! | |
7356 | His fire unquenched and his undying worm | |
7357 | By "land in severalty" (charming term!) | |
7358 | Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, | |
7359 | And he to his new holding anchored fast! | |
7360 | ||
7361 | SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose | |
7362 | most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern | |
7363 | States, are the catching and hanging of rogues. | |
7364 | ||
7365 | John Elmer Pettibone Cajee | |
7366 | (I write of him with little glee) | |
7367 | Was just as bad as he could be. | |
7368 | ||
7369 | 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! | |
7370 | The sun has never looked upon | |
7371 | So bad a man as Neighbor John." | |
7372 | ||
7373 | A sinner through and through, he had | |
7374 | This added fault: it made him mad | |
7375 | To know another man was bad. | |
7376 | ||
7377 | In such a case he thought it right | |
7378 | To rise at any hour of night | |
7379 | And quench that wicked person's light. | |
7380 | ||
7381 | Despite the town's entreaties, he | |
7382 | Would hale him to the nearest tree | |
7383 | And leave him swinging wide and free. | |
7384 | ||
7385 | Or sometimes, if the humor came, | |
7386 | A luckless wight's reluctant frame | |
7387 | Was given to the cheerful flame. | |
7388 | ||
7389 | While it was turning nice and brown, | |
7390 | All unconcerned John met the frown | |
7391 | Of that austere and righteous town. | |
7392 | ||
7393 | "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he | |
7394 | So scornful of the law should be -- | |
7395 | An anar c, h, i, s, t." | |
7396 | ||
7397 | (That is the way that they preferred | |
7398 | To utter the abhorrent word, | |
7399 | So strong the aversion that it stirred.) | |
7400 | ||
7401 | "Resolved," they said, continuing, | |
7402 | "That Badman John must cease this thing | |
7403 | Of having his unlawful fling. | |
7404 | ||
7405 | "Now, by these sacred relics" -- here | |
7406 | Each man had out a souvenir | |
7407 | Got at a lynching yesteryear -- | |
7408 | ||
7409 | "By these we swear he shall forsake | |
7410 | His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache | |
7411 | By sins of rope and torch and stake. | |
7412 | ||
7413 | "We'll tie his red right hand until | |
7414 | He'll have small freedom to fulfil | |
7415 | The mandates of his lawless will." | |
7416 | ||
7417 | So, in convention then and there, | |
7418 | They named him Sheriff. The affair | |
7419 | Was opened, it is said, with prayer. | |
7420 | J. Milton Sloluck | |
7421 | ||
7422 | SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt | |
7423 | to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any | |
7424 | lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing | |
7425 | performance. | |
7426 | ||
7427 | SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) | |
7428 | with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue | |
7429 | what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in | |
7430 | accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of | |
7431 | setting up as a wit without a capital of sense. | |
7432 | ||
7433 | SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is | |
7434 | used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer | |
7435 | who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" | |
7436 | it is seen at its best: | |
7437 | ||
7438 | The wheels go round without a sound -- | |
7439 | The maidens hold high revel; | |
7440 | In sinful mood, insanely gay, | |
7441 | True spinsters spin adown the way | |
7442 | From duty to the devil! | |
7443 | They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling! | |
7444 | Their bells go all the morning; | |
7445 | Their lanterns bright bestar the night | |
7446 | Pedestrians a-warning. | |
7447 | With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, | |
7448 | Good-Lording and O-mying, | |
7449 | Her rheumatism forgotten quite, | |
7450 | Her fat with anger frying. | |
7451 | She blocks the path that leads to wrath, | |
7452 | Jack Satan's power defying. | |
7453 | The wheels go round without a sound | |
7454 | The lights burn red and blue and green. | |
7455 | What's this that's found upon the ground? | |
7456 | Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen! | |
7457 | John William Yope | |
7458 | ||
7459 | SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished | |
7460 | from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is | |
7461 | that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began | |
7462 | by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men | |
7463 | ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of | |
7464 | words. | |
7465 | ||
7466 | His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, | |
7467 | And drags his sophistry to light of day; | |
7468 | Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort | |
7469 | To falsehood of so desperate a sort. | |
7470 | Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, | |
7471 | He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. | |
7472 | Polydore Smith | |
7473 | ||
7474 | SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political | |
7475 | influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was | |
7476 | punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor | |
7477 | peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to | |
7478 | compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the | |
7479 | suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his | |
7480 | tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing | |
7481 | it. | |
7482 | ||
7483 | SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave | |
7484 | disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of | |
7485 | existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of | |
7486 | eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became | |
7487 | philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had | |
7488 | least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and | |
7489 | despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad- | |
7490 | browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was | |
7491 | not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted | |
7492 | against his enemies; certainly he was not the last. | |
7493 | "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of | |
7494 | _Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath been hardly more argument than | |
7495 | that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath | |
7496 | her seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may discern and interpret | |
7497 | a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men | |
7498 | most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' | |
7499 | -- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him | |
7500 | to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and | |
7501 | majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach | |
7502 | are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who | |
7503 | nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that | |
7504 | its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of | |
7505 | the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. | |
7506 | This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek | |
7507 | of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according | |
7508 | to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse | |
7509 | clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the | |
7510 | public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which | |
7511 | firmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, | |
7512 | anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian comestibles | |
7513 | shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, | |
7514 | and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and | |
7515 | richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, | |
7516 | though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His | |
7517 | Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly | |
7518 | revere) will assent to its dissemination." | |
7519 | ||
7520 | SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with | |
7521 | supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of | |
7522 | the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, | |
7523 | who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and | |
7524 | mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror | |
7525 | that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells | |
7526 | ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another | |
7527 | township. | |
7528 | ||
7529 | STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories | |
7530 | here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. | |
7531 | ||
7532 | One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated | |
7533 | at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. | |
7534 | "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, | |
7535 | is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its | |
7536 | authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the | |
7537 | Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" | |
7538 | "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did | |
7539 | not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who | |
7540 | wrote it." | |
7541 | ||
7542 | Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was | |
7543 | addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a | |
7544 | stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back | |
7545 | and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be | |
7546 | haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had | |
7547 | been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is | |
7548 | putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' | |
7549 | nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the | |
7550 | loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their | |
7551 | courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist. | |
7552 | "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as | |
7553 | this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts! And | |
7554 | you are a believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?" | |
7555 | "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal | |
7556 | cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am | |
7557 | afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and | |
7558 | I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." | |
7559 | ||
7560 | Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were | |
7561 | standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the | |
7562 | question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the | |
7563 | middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that | |
7564 | band before. Santlemann's, I think." | |
7565 | "I don't hear any band," said Schley. | |
7566 | "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General | |
7567 | Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in | |
7568 | the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions | |
7569 | pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin." | |
7570 | While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy | |
7571 | General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. | |
7572 | When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two | |
7573 | observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its | |
7574 | effulgence -- | |
7575 | "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. | |
7576 | "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys | |
7577 | one-half so well." | |
7578 | ||
7579 | The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile | |
7580 | from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town | |
7581 | on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a | |
7582 | street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of | |
7583 | teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a | |
7584 | dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, | |
7585 | said: | |
7586 | "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. | |
7587 | He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I passed him." | |
7588 | "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate | |
7589 | smoker." | |
7590 | The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that | |
7591 | it was not right. | |
7592 | He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a | |
7593 | stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had | |
7594 | put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted | |
7595 | to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule | |
7596 | loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another | |
7597 | man entered the saloon. | |
7598 | "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that | |
7599 | mule, barkeeper: it smells." | |
7600 | "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in | |
7601 | Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." | |
7602 | In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, | |
7603 | apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. | |
7604 | The boys idd not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the | |
7605 | body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much | |
7606 | of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that | |
7607 | night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the | |
7608 | misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon | |
7609 | emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook | |
7610 | it, and passed the night in town. | |
7611 | ||
7612 | General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a | |
7613 | pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but | |
7614 | imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the | |
7615 | General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is | |
7616 | named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing | |
7617 | his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. | |
7618 | "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, | |
7619 | "what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? -- and with my coat | |
7620 | on!" | |
7621 | Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the | |
7622 | manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned | |
7623 | with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an | |
7624 | empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably | |
7625 | entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful | |
7626 | progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said: | |
7627 | "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you | |
7628 | about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?" | |
7629 | General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. | |
7630 | "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking | |
7631 | of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room | |
7632 | fifteen minutes." | |
7633 | ||
7634 | SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In | |
7635 | literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are | |
7636 | exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines | |
7637 | by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious | |
7638 | reason, "John A. Joyce." | |
7639 | ||
7640 | The bard who would prosper must carry a book, | |
7641 | Do his thinking in prose and wear | |
7642 | A crimson cravat, a far-away look | |
7643 | And a head of hexameter hair. | |
7644 | Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; | |
7645 | If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. | |
7646 | ||
7647 | SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right | |
7648 | of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, | |
7649 | as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another | |
7650 | man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name | |
7651 | of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned | |
7652 | for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is | |
7653 | himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he | |
7654 | profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater | |
7655 | weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a | |
7656 | woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female | |
7657 | responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to | |
7658 | jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back | |
7659 | into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them. | |
7660 | ||
7661 | SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he | |
7662 | may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an | |
7663 | editor. | |
7664 | ||
7665 | As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased | |
7666 | To fix itself upon a part diseased | |
7667 | Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, | |
7668 | It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, | |
7669 | So the base sycophant with joy descries | |
7670 | His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, | |
7671 | Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, | |
7672 | Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. | |
7673 | Gelasma, if it paid you to devote | |
7674 | Your talent to the service of a goat, | |
7675 | Showing by forceful logic that its beard | |
7676 | Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; | |
7677 | If to the task of honoring its smell | |
7678 | Profit had prompted you, and love as well, | |
7679 | The world would benefit at last by you | |
7680 | And wealthy malefactors weep anew -- | |
7681 | Your favor for a moment's space denied | |
7682 | And to the nobler object turned aside. | |
7683 | Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires | |
7684 | Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, | |
7685 | Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly | |
7686 | To safer villainies of darker dye, | |
7687 | Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, | |
7688 | To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread | |
7689 | May see you groveling their boots to lick | |
7690 | And begging for the favor of a kick? | |
7691 | Still must you follow to the bitter end | |
7692 | Your sycophantic disposition's trend, | |
7693 | And in your eagerness to please the rich | |
7694 | Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? | |
7695 | In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire, | |
7696 | And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher! | |
7697 | What's Satan done that him you should eschew? | |
7698 | He too is reeking rich -- deducting _you_. | |
7699 | ||
7700 | SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor | |
7701 | assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) | |
7702 | ||
7703 | SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when | |
7704 | the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory | |
7705 | smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were | |
7706 | allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, | |
7707 | in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of | |
7708 | the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they | |
7709 | had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the | |
7710 | chicks having ever been seen. | |
7711 | ||
7712 | SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for | |
7713 | something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things which | |
7714 | having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have | |
7715 | inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on | |
7716 | memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the | |
7717 | dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that | |
7718 | conceals our helplessness. | |
7719 | ||
7720 | SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation | |
7721 | of symbols. | |
7722 | ||
7723 | They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; | |
7724 | I hold that that's the stomach's function, | |
7725 | For of the sinner I have noted | |
7726 | That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, | |
7727 | Or ill some other ghastly fashion | |
7728 | Within that bowel of compassion. | |
7729 | True, I believe the only sinner | |
7730 | Is he that eats a shabby dinner. | |
7731 | You know how Adam with good reason, | |
7732 | For eating apples out of season, | |
7733 | Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: | |
7734 | The truth is, Adam had the colic. | |
7735 | G.J. | |
7736 | ||
7737 | ||
7738 | T | |
7739 | ||
7740 | ||
7741 | T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks | |
7742 | absurdly called _tau_. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the | |
7743 | form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone | |
7744 | (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified | |
7745 | _Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." | |
7746 | ||
7747 | TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal | |
7748 | passion for irresponsibility. | |
7749 | ||
7750 | Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, | |
7751 | Took Madam P. to table, | |
7752 | And there deliriously fed | |
7753 | As fast as he was able. | |
7754 | ||
7755 | "I dote upon good grub," he cried, | |
7756 | Intent upon its throatage. | |
7757 | "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, | |
7758 | "You're in your _table d'hotage_." | |
7759 | Associated Poets | |
7760 | ||
7761 | TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its | |
7762 | natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of | |
7763 | its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a | |
7764 | privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness | |
7765 | by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a | |
7766 | marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail | |
7767 | should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable | |
7768 | in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong | |
7769 | and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now | |
7770 | generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually | |
7771 | susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan | |
7772 | past. | |
7773 | ||
7774 | TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. | |
7775 | ||
7776 | TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an | |
7777 | impulse without purpose. | |
7778 | ||
7779 | TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the | |
7780 | domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. | |
7781 | ||
7782 | The Enemy of Human Souls | |
7783 | Sat grieving at the cost of coals; | |
7784 | For Hell had been annexed of late, | |
7785 | And was a sovereign Southern State. | |
7786 | ||
7787 | "It were no more than right," said he, | |
7788 | "That I should get my fuel free. | |
7789 | The duty, neither just nor wise, | |
7790 | Compels me to economize -- | |
7791 | Whereby my broilers, every one, | |
7792 | Are execrably underdone. | |
7793 | What would they have? -- although I yearn | |
7794 | To do them nicely to a turn, | |
7795 | I can't afford an honest heat. | |
7796 | This tariff makes even devils cheat! | |
7797 | I'm ruined, and my humble trade | |
7798 | All rascals may at will invade: | |
7799 | Beneath my nose the public press | |
7800 | Outdoes me in sulphureousness; | |
7801 | The bar ingeniously applies | |
7802 | To my undoing my own lies; | |
7803 | My medicines the doctors use | |
7804 | (Albeit vainly) to refuse | |
7805 | To me my fair and rightful prey | |
7806 | And keep their own in shape to pay; | |
7807 | The preachers by example teach | |
7808 | What, scorning to perform, I teach; | |
7809 | And statesmen, aping me, all make | |
7810 | More promises than they can break. | |
7811 | Against such competition I | |
7812 | Lift up a disregarded cry. | |
7813 | Since all ignore my just complaint, | |
7814 | By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!" | |
7815 | Now, the Republicans, who all | |
7816 | Are saints, began at once to bawl | |
7817 | Against _his_ competition; so | |
7818 | There was a devil of a go! | |
7819 | They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete | |
7820 | In acrimonious debate, | |
7821 | Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, | |
7822 | Had hopes of coming by their own. | |
7823 | That evil to avert, in haste | |
7824 | The two belligerents embraced; | |
7825 | But since 'twere wicked to relax | |
7826 | A tittle of the Sacred Tax, | |
7827 | 'Twas finally agreed to grant | |
7828 | The bold Insurgent-protestant | |
7829 | A bounty on each soul that fell | |
7830 | Into his ineffectual Hell. | |
7831 | Edam Smith | |
7832 | ||
7833 | TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for | |
7834 | slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words | |
7835 | were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook | |
7836 | upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and | |
7837 | the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted | |
7838 | by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words | |
7839 | did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, | |
7840 | that being only an inference. | |
7841 | ||
7842 | TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many | |
7843 | fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an | |
7844 | authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious | |
7845 | source -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum | |
7846 | Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something | |
7847 | that saddens. | |
7848 | ||
7849 | TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, | |
7850 | sometimes tolerably totally. | |
7851 | ||
7852 | TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the | |
7853 | advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. | |
7854 | ||
7855 | TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that | |
7856 | of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us | |
7857 | with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a | |
7858 | bell summoning us to the sacrifice. | |
7859 | ||
7860 | TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to | |
7861 | the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand | |
7862 | of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in | |
7863 | politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a | |
7864 | Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to | |
7865 | his accounting: | |
7866 | ||
7867 | Of such tenacity his grip | |
7868 | That nothing from his hand can slip. | |
7869 | Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm | |
7870 | In tubs of liquid slippery-elm | |
7871 | In vain -- from his detaining pinch | |
7872 | They cannot struggle half an inch! | |
7873 | 'Tis lucky that he so is planned | |
7874 | That breath he draws not with his hand, | |
7875 | For if he did, so great his greed | |
7876 | He'd draw his last with eager speed. | |
7877 | Nay, that were well, you say. Not so | |
7878 | He'd draw but never let it go! | |
7879 | ||
7880 | THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion | |
7881 | and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with | |
7882 | the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this | |
7883 | earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough | |
7884 | for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime | |
7885 | does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to | |
7886 | wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection; | |
7887 | and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that | |
7888 | everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. | |
7889 | Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem | |
7890 | neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and | |
7891 | fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had | |
7892 | no cat. | |
7893 | ||
7894 | TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the | |
7895 | general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. | |
7896 | Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss | |
7897 | Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as | |
7898 | to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of | |
7899 | ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that | |
7900 | nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory | |
7901 | was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the | |
7902 | conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as | |
7903 | to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! | |
7904 | It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's | |
7905 | aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what | |
7906 | was known among the ancients as "modesty." The nature of that | |
7907 | sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of | |
7908 | exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The study of lost | |
7909 | arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts | |
7910 | themselves recovered. This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and there | |
7911 | is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its | |
7912 | hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the | |
7913 | stage. | |
7914 | ||
7915 | TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent | |
7916 | invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long | |
7917 | tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, | |
7918 | the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be | |
7919 | innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the | |
7920 | soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally | |
7921 | accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has | |
7922 | been greatly dignified. | |
7923 | ||
7924 | TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. | |
7925 | In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping | |
7926 | nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted | |
7927 | against the hard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go down | |
7928 | like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef- | |
7929 | eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two | |
7930 | hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan | |
7931 | race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the | |
7932 | temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the | |
7933 | Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in | |
7934 | every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations | |
7935 | that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too | |
7936 | righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the | |
7937 | canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially | |
7938 | augmented the nation's military power. | |
7939 | ||
7940 | TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for | |
7941 | the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: | |
7942 | ||
7943 | TO MY PET TORTOISE | |
7944 | ||
7945 | My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; | |
7946 | Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. | |
7947 | ||
7948 | Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's | |
7949 | To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. | |
7950 | ||
7951 | As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. | |
7952 | 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. | |
7953 | ||
7954 | No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, | |
7955 | A certain firmness -- mostly you're [sic] backbone. | |
7956 | ||
7957 | Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) | |
7958 | Are virtues that the great know how to use -- | |
7959 | ||
7960 | I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, | |
7961 | You lack -- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul. | |
7962 | ||
7963 | So, to be candid, unreserved and true, | |
7964 | I'd rather you were I than I were you. | |
7965 | ||
7966 | Perhaps, however, in a time to be, | |
7967 | When Man's extinct, a better world may see | |
7968 | ||
7969 | Your progeny in power and control, | |
7970 | Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. | |
7971 | ||
7972 | So I salute you as a reptile grand | |
7973 | Predestined to regenerate the land. | |
7974 | ||
7975 | Father of Possibilities, O deign | |
7976 | To accept the homage of a dying reign! | |
7977 | ||
7978 | In the far region of the unforeknown | |
7979 | I dream a tortoise upon every throne. | |
7980 | ||
7981 | I see an Emperor his head withdraw | |
7982 | Into his carapace for fear of Law; | |
7983 | ||
7984 | A King who carries something else than fat, | |
7985 | Howe'er acceptably he carries that; | |
7986 | ||
7987 | A President not strenuously bent | |
7988 | On punishment of audible dissent -- | |
7989 | ||
7990 | Who never shot (it were a vain attack) | |
7991 | An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; | |
7992 | ||
7993 | Subject and citizens that feel no need | |
7994 | To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; | |
7995 | ||
7996 | All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, | |
7997 | And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State. | |
7998 | ||
7999 | O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, | |
8000 | My glorious testudinous regime! | |
8001 | ||
8002 | I wish in Eden you'd brought this about | |
8003 | By slouching in and chasing Adam out. | |
8004 | ||
8005 | TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal | |
8006 | apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear | |
8007 | only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the | |
8008 | tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor | |
8009 | in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit | |
8010 | (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the | |
8011 | public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general | |
8012 | welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no | |
8013 | discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the | |
8014 | lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following | |
8015 | passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries: | |
8016 | ||
8017 | While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof | |
8018 | I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in | |
8019 | it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as | |
8020 | followeth: | |
8021 | "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall | |
8022 | see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye | |
8023 | King his Majesty." | |
8024 | And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr | |
8025 | tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne. | |
8026 | _Trauvells in ye Easte_ | |
8027 | ||
8028 | TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the | |
8029 | blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to | |
8030 | effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person | |
8031 | of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If | |
8032 | the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo | |
8033 | such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable | |
8034 | sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the | |
8035 | accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval | |
8036 | times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A | |
8037 | beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly | |
8038 | arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public | |
8039 | executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards | |
8040 | were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after | |
8041 | testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _in | |
8042 | contumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, | |
8043 | where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a | |
8044 | street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the | |
8045 | viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and | |
8046 | punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, | |
8047 | but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates | |
8048 | from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, | |
8049 | dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their | |
8050 | conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches | |
8051 | infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, | |
8052 | instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some | |
8053 | of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This | |
8054 | was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to | |
8055 | leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of | |
8056 | incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this | |
8057 | _cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved | |
8058 | the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable | |
8059 | jurisdiction. | |
8060 | ||
8061 | TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. | |
8062 | Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian | |
8063 | physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as | |
8064 | trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need and | |
8065 | immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork | |
8066 | every other day." | |
8067 | "Pork?" shrieked the patient -- "pork? Nothing shall induce me to | |
8068 | touch it!" | |
8069 | "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. | |
8070 | "I swear it!" | |
8071 | "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you." | |
8072 | ||
8073 | TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, | |
8074 | three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate | |
8075 | deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not | |
8076 | dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually | |
8077 | their clames to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the | |
8078 | most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because | |
8079 | it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of | |
8080 | theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not | |
8081 | understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that | |
8082 | contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the | |
8083 | former as a part of the latter. | |
8084 | ||
8085 | TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic | |
8086 | period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of | |
8087 | troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony | |
8088 | consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was | |
8089 | in debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all the | |
8090 | Socialists of Judah. | |
8091 | ||
8092 | TRUCE, n. Friendship. | |
8093 | ||
8094 | TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. | |
8095 | Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the | |
8096 | most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of | |
8097 | existing with increasing activity to the end of time. | |
8098 | ||
8099 | TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate. | |
8100 | ||
8101 | TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in | |
8102 | greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in | |
8103 | the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors | |
8104 | and public enemies. | |
8105 | ||
8106 | TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious | |
8107 | anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and | |
8108 | gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. | |
8109 | ||
8110 | TWICE, adv. Once too often. | |
8111 | ||
8112 | TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying | |
8113 | civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this | |
8114 | incomparable dictionary. | |
8115 | ||
8116 | TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) | |
8117 | whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy | |
8118 | for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American | |
8119 | novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_). | |
8120 | ||
8121 | ||
8122 | U | |
8123 | ||
8124 | ||
8125 | UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, | |
8126 | but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an | |
8127 | attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important | |
8128 | distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the | |
8129 | mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain | |
8130 | Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were | |
8131 | known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, | |
8132 | for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that | |
8133 | sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In | |
8134 | recent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by | |
8135 | Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two | |
8136 | places at once unless he is a bird. | |
8137 | ||
8138 | UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue | |
8139 | without humility. | |
8140 | ||
8141 | ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to | |
8142 | concessions. | |
8143 | Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry | |
8144 | met to consider it. | |
8145 | "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk | |
8146 | to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable | |
8147 | soldiers have we in arms?" | |
8148 | "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining | |
8149 | his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" | |
8150 | "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts | |
8151 | of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious | |
8152 | Navy. | |
8153 | "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they | |
8154 | are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars | |
8155 | of Heaven!" | |
8156 | For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial | |
8157 | Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was | |
8158 | calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the | |
8159 | die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he | |
8160 | advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned." | |
8161 | ||
8162 | UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. | |
8163 | ||
8164 | UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction | |
8165 | consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of | |
8166 | the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite | |
8167 | had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was | |
8168 | discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other | |
8169 | could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: | |
8170 | "Then I'll be damned if I die!" | |
8171 | "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear." | |
8172 | ||
8173 | UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to | |
8174 | know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and | |
8175 | laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and | |
8176 | Kant, who lived in a horse. | |
8177 | ||
8178 | His understanding was so keen | |
8179 | That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, | |
8180 | He could interpret without fail | |
8181 | If he was in or out of jail. | |
8182 | He wrote at Inspiration's call | |
8183 | Deep disquisitions on them all, | |
8184 | Then, pent at last in an asylum, | |
8185 | Performed the service to compile 'em. | |
8186 | So great a writer, all men swore, | |
8187 | They never had not read before. | |
8188 | Jorrock Wormley | |
8189 | ||
8190 | UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. | |
8191 | ||
8192 | UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons | |
8193 | of another faith. | |
8194 | ||
8195 | URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to | |
8196 | dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is | |
8197 | heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with | |
8198 | disregard of the rights of others. | |
8199 | ||
8200 | The owner of a powder mill | |
8201 | Was musing on a distant hill -- | |
8202 | Something his mind foreboded -- | |
8203 | When from the cloudless sky there fell | |
8204 | A deviled human kidney! Well, | |
8205 | The man's mill had exploded. | |
8206 | His hat he lifted from his head; | |
8207 | "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; | |
8208 | "I didn't know 'twas loaded." | |
8209 | Swatkin | |
8210 | ||
8211 | USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and | |
8212 | Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent | |
8213 | reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to | |
8214 | produce books that will live as long as the fashion. | |
8215 | ||
8216 | UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own | |
8217 | wife. | |
8218 | ||
8219 | ||
8220 | V | |
8221 | ||
8222 | ||
8223 | VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's | |
8224 | hope. | |
8225 | "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and | |
8226 | Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once." | |
8227 | "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am | |
8228 | persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring | |
8229 | them into collision with the enemy." | |
8230 | ||
8231 | VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. | |
8232 | ||
8233 | They say that hens do cackle loudest when | |
8234 | There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; | |
8235 | And there are hens, professing to have made | |
8236 | A study of mankind, who say that men | |
8237 | Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen | |
8238 | Make the most clamorous fanfaronade | |
8239 | O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid | |
8240 | They're not entirely different from the hen. | |
8241 | Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, | |
8242 | His blazing breeches and high-towering cap -- | |
8243 | Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, | |
8244 | Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! | |
8245 | Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue | |
8246 | Is that in battle he will never hurt you? | |
8247 | Hannibal Hunsiker | |
8248 | ||
8249 | VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. | |
8250 | ||
8251 | VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as | |
8252 | suffer from an impediment in their wit. | |
8253 | ||
8254 | VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a | |
8255 | fool of himself and a wreck of his country. | |
8256 | ||
8257 | ||
8258 | W | |
8259 | ||
8260 | ||
8261 | W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only | |
8262 | cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This | |
8263 | advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued | |
8264 | after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like | |
8265 | _epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other | |
8266 | agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been | |
8267 | concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise | |
8268 | of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that | |
8269 | by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our | |
8270 | civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. | |
8271 | ||
8272 | WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That | |
8273 | Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every | |
8274 | unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and | |
8275 | good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. | |
8276 | ||
8277 | Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call | |
8278 | To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!" | |
8279 | Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; | |
8280 | Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, | |
8281 | Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, | |
8282 | Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: | |
8283 | Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray -- | |
8284 | Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! | |
8285 | While still you're possessed of a single baubee | |
8286 | (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) | |
8287 | 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance | |
8288 | Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. | |
8289 | For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, | |
8290 | Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! | |
8291 | Anonymus Bink | |
8292 | ||
8293 | WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing | |
8294 | political condition is a period of international amity. The student | |
8295 | of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly | |
8296 | boast himself inaccessible to the light. "In time of peace prepare | |
8297 | for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, | |
8298 | not merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is the | |
8299 | one immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thickly | |
8300 | sown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination | |
8301 | and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure | |
8302 | dome" -- when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in | |
8303 | Xanadu -- that he | |
8304 | ||
8305 | heard from afar | |
8306 | Ancestral voices prophesying war. | |
8307 | ||
8308 | One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of | |
8309 | men, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us | |
8310 | have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of | |
8311 | that elemental distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to | |
8312 | come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide | |
8313 | the night. | |
8314 | ||
8315 | WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of | |
8316 | governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to | |
8317 | him it should be said that he did not want to. | |
8318 | ||
8319 | They took away his vote and gave instead | |
8320 | The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread. | |
8321 | In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, | |
8322 | To come again and part him from his roll. | |
8323 | Offenbach Stutz | |
8324 | ||
8325 | WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she | |
8326 | holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the | |
8327 | service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. | |
8328 | ||
8329 | WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of | |
8330 | conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have | |
8331 | inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal | |
8332 | ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather | |
8333 | bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments | |
8334 | are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. | |
8335 | ||
8336 | Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, | |
8337 | And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be -- | |
8338 | Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, | |
8339 | With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. | |
8340 | While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incadescent youth, | |
8341 | From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. | |
8342 | He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote | |
8343 | On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote -- | |
8344 | For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: | |
8345 | "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." | |
8346 | Halcyon Jones | |
8347 | ||
8348 | WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, | |
8349 | one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become | |
8350 | supportable. | |
8351 | ||
8352 | WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All | |
8353 | werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to | |
8354 | gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as | |
8355 | humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. | |
8356 | Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it | |
8357 | to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was | |
8358 | there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told | |
8359 | them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its | |
8360 | human for during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the | |
8361 | good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning | |
8362 | you will find a Lutheran." | |
8363 | ||
8364 | WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected | |
8365 | affliction that strikes hard. | |
8366 | ||
8367 | Should you ask me whence this laughter, | |
8368 | Whence this audible big-smiling, | |
8369 | With its labial extension, | |
8370 | With its maxillar distortion | |
8371 | And its diaphragmic rhythmus | |
8372 | Like the billowing of an ocean, | |
8373 | Like the shaking of a carpet, | |
8374 | I should answer, I should tell you: | |
8375 | From the great deeps of the spirit, | |
8376 | From the unplummeted abysmus | |
8377 | Of the soul this laughter welleth | |
8378 | As the fountain, the gug-guggle, | |
8379 | Like the river from the canon [sic], | |
8380 | To entoken and give warning | |
8381 | That my present mood is sunny. | |
8382 | Should you ask me further question -- | |
8383 | Why the great deeps of the spirit, | |
8384 | Why the unplummeted abysmus | |
8385 | Of the soule extrudes this laughter, | |
8386 | This all audible big-smiling, | |
8387 | I should answer, I should tell you | |
8388 | With a white heart, tumpitumpy, | |
8389 | With a true tongue, honest Injun: | |
8390 | William Bryan, he has Caught It, | |
8391 | Caught the Whangdepootenawah! | |
8392 | ||
8393 | Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, | |
8394 | Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep, | |
8395 | Standing silent in the kneedeep | |
8396 | With his wing-tips crossed behind him | |
8397 | And his neck close-reefed before him, | |
8398 | With his bill, his william, buried | |
8399 | In the down upon his bosom, | |
8400 | With his head retracted inly, | |
8401 | While his shoulders overlook it? | |
8402 | Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, | |
8403 | Shiver grayly in the north wind, | |
8404 | Wishing he had died when little, | |
8405 | As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? | |
8406 | No 'tis not the Shankank standing, | |
8407 | Standing in the gray and dismal | |
8408 | Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. | |
8409 | No, 'tis peerless William Bryan | |
8410 | Realizing that he's Caught It, | |
8411 | Caught the Whangdepootenawah! | |
8412 | ||
8413 | WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some | |
8414 | difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are | |
8415 | said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other | |
8416 | people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff | |
8417 | palatable. | |
8418 | ||
8419 | WHITE, adj. and n. Black. | |
8420 | ||
8421 | WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to | |
8422 | take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one | |
8423 | of the most marked features of his character. | |
8424 | ||
8425 | WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union | |
8426 | as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift | |
8427 | to man. | |
8428 | ||
8429 | WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his | |
8430 | intellectual cookery by leaving it out. | |
8431 | ||
8432 | WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league | |
8433 | with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in | |
8434 | wickedness a league beyond the devil. | |
8435 | ||
8436 | WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom | |
8437 | noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." | |
8438 | ||
8439 | WOMAN, n. | |
8440 | ||
8441 | An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a | |
8442 | rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by | |
8443 | many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility | |
8444 | acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the | |
8445 | postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, | |
8446 | deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, | |
8447 | it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all | |
8448 | beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from | |
8449 | Greeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular | |
8450 | name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. | |
8451 | The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the | |
8452 | American variety (_felis pugnans_), is omnivorous and can be | |
8453 | taught not to talk. | |
8454 | Balthasar Pober | |
8455 | ||
8456 | WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw | |
8457 | material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the | |
8458 | Granitarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that | |
8459 | houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work | |
8460 | in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for | |
8461 | himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by | |
8462 | contrast the foreknown futility. | |
8463 | ||
8464 | Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! | |
8465 | How profitless the labor you bestow | |
8466 | Upon a dwelling whose magnificence | |
8467 | The tenant neither can admire nor know. | |
8468 | ||
8469 | Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, | |
8470 | The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan | |
8471 | By shouldering asunder all the stones | |
8472 | In what to you would be a moment's span. | |
8473 | ||
8474 | Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies | |
8475 | That when your marble is all dust, arise, | |
8476 | If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn -- | |
8477 | You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. | |
8478 | ||
8479 | What though of all man's works your tomb alone | |
8480 | Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? | |
8481 | Would it advantage you to dwell therein | |
8482 | Forever as a stain upon a stone? | |
8483 | Joel Huck | |
8484 | ||
8485 | WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and | |
8486 | fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an | |
8487 | element of pride. | |
8488 | ||
8489 | WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to | |
8490 | exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," | |
8491 | "the day of wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was | |
8492 | deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for | |
8493 | its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The Greeks | |
8494 | before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the | |
8495 | frying-pan of the wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath of | |
8496 | Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor | |
8497 | roasted. A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurred | |
8498 | the wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom | |
8499 | paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of | |
8500 | the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster. | |
8501 | ||
8502 | ||
8503 | X | |
8504 | ||
8505 | ||
8506 | X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility | |
8507 | to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will | |
8508 | doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten | |
8509 | dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, | |
8510 | as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the | |
8511 | corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name | |
8512 | -- _Xristos_. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. | |
8513 | Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra of | |
8514 | psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are | |
8515 | Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary. | |
8516 | ||
8517 | ||
8518 | Y | |
8519 | ||
8520 | ||
8521 | YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our | |
8522 | Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. | |
8523 | (See DAMNYANK.) | |
8524 | ||
8525 | YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. | |
8526 | ||
8527 | YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire | |
8528 | past of age. | |
8529 | ||
8530 | But yesterday I should have thought me blest | |
8531 | To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak | |
8532 | Of middle life and look adown the bleak | |
8533 | And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, | |
8534 | Where solemn shadows all the land invest | |
8535 | And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak | |
8536 | Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak | |
8537 | The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. | |
8538 | Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame | |
8539 | To stay the shadow on the dial's face | |
8540 | At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name | |
8541 | I chide aloud the little interspace | |
8542 | Disparting me from Certitude, and fain | |
8543 | Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. | |
8544 | Baruch Arnegriff | |
8545 | ||
8546 | It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was | |
8547 | attended at different times by seven doctors. | |
8548 | ||
8549 | YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we owe | |
8550 | one of the most illuminating words in our language -- a word that | |
8551 | defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. | |
8552 | A thousand apologies for withholding it. | |
8553 | ||
8554 | YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, | |
8555 | Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of | |
8556 | endowing a living Homer. | |
8557 | ||
8558 | Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth | |
8559 | again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with | |
8560 | whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and | |
8561 | clows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice never | |
8562 | is heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and, | |
8563 | howling, is cast into Baltimost! | |
8564 | Polydore Smith | |
8565 | ||
8566 | ||
8567 | Z | |
8568 | ||
8569 | ||
8570 | ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with | |
8571 | ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the | |
8572 | ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters | |
8573 | of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as | |
8574 | we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an | |
8575 | example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another | |
8576 | excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the | |
8577 | rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the | |
8578 | devil. | |
8579 | ||
8580 | ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the | |
8581 | eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best | |
8582 | known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that | |
8583 | occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied | |
8584 | a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to | |
8585 | the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated | |
8586 | remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city | |
8587 | persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down | |
8588 | to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair | |
8589 | of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge | |
8590 | of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. | |
8591 | Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two great | |
8592 | nations, she was the Sultana. | |
8593 | ||
8594 | ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and | |
8595 | inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. | |
8596 | ||
8597 | When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward | |
8598 | He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" | |
8599 | "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down. | |
8600 | "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." | |
8601 | Jum Coople | |
8602 | ||
8603 | ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man | |
8604 | standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot | |
8605 | is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the | |
8606 | matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some | |
8607 | holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were | |
8608 | called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The | |
8609 | Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the | |
8610 | philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an | |
8611 | assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a | |
8612 | severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to | |
8613 | determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the | |
8614 | heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the | |
8615 | Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever | |
8616 | opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its | |
8617 | place among _fides defuncti_. | |
8618 | ||
8619 | ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter | |
8620 | and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers | |
8621 | who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to | |
8622 | have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought | |
8623 | that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his | |
8624 | monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives | |
8625 | are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he | |
8626 | worships under many sacred names. | |
8627 | ||
8628 | ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one | |
8629 | carrying the white man's burden. (From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, an | |
8630 | Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) | |
8631 | ||
8632 | He zedjagged so uncomen wyde | |
8633 | Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; | |
8634 | So, to com saufly thruh, I been | |
8635 | Constreynet for to doodge betwene. | |
8636 | Munwele | |
8637 | ||
8638 | ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including | |
8639 | its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_). The father of Zoology | |
8640 | was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother | |
8641 | has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious | |
8642 | expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we | |
8643 | learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated | |
8644 | Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years. | |
8645 | ||
8646 | ||
8647 | ||
8648 | -)(- |